


An Imperfect Cage

by Crandberrycrush



Category: Jane Eyre - Charlotte Brontë, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Jane Eyre Fusion, Arranged Marriage, Class system dynamics, Courtship, Deceit, Drama & Romance, English society, Gothic Romance, Historical Inaccuracy, Horseback Riding, Ice Skating, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mystery, Orphan Hawks, Piano, References to Illness, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-10-02 17:05:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 55,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crandberrycrush/pseuds/Crandberrycrush
Summary: Hawks is an orphan, brought up in a charity school and thrust into the world at eighteen to work as a governor for the Todoroki family, a family that has more secrets than he can hope to unravel.*A gothic romance based heavily on the novel Jane Eyre*





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

_I will not tell lies, I will not tell lies, I will not tell lies…_

Chalk scratched across the blackboard echoing into the empty space of the classroom. All the other children had abandoned him.

“When you're done master Hawks, I expect you to wipe down the board.”

“Yes, Headmaster Sir.”

It was not the first time he’d been held after class and it would hardly be the last, not that he minded much. He’d gladly sacrifice his time under the winter sun with the other children for a chore that kept him closer to the wood stove. BrentWood school could hardly afford to keep their charity students in proper garments for winter, and he would take the scolding over the risk of frostbite any day. His feet ached in his shoes as the chalk grew smaller in his hand. They were at least a size too small, if not more. He’d hit a growth spurt in the fall and now everything he wore was two inches shorter than it should have been. Despite the lengthening of his limbs, he was still the smallest boy in his class, perhaps malnourishment could be to blame, or perhaps Hawks was never meant to be tall. It was hard for him to tell as he’d never known his parents. They’d died before he was old enough to remember them, leaving his future to the mercy of his relatives.

“If you dally in your writing you will go without supper as well.” Mr. Gravestone’s voice was sharp as the crack of a whip. Hawks dared not turn and look behind him, even though he knew the bastard was just grinding in his heel for his own pleasure. Hawks was never a favorite, too bold, too cheeky, too smart for his own good. It unnerved his teachers, who preferred quiet dumb children that only knew how to say _yes, Sir_ when called upon. Hawks asked too many questions, derailed the lesson plans, and even dared to smile when his teachers made an error, which of course they _never_ did.

He neared the bottom of the black board, the writing cramping his hand ever further. By this time his fingers were numb, he pressed too hard on the last punctuation and, as chance would have it, the chalk broke between his fingers.

“Hawks!” Mr. Gravestone hissed and strode to the front of the room. “Pick it up!”

Hawks obeyed demurely holding both pieces up in his hand for Mr. Gravestone to observe.

“Wastefulness. If you’d been paying attention to your task and not trying to finish quickly, such clumsiness would have been avoided.”

“Sorry Headmaster Sir.”

“Put the chalk down Hawks, turn and place your hands on the desk.” Hawks did as he was told, biting his bottom lip.

“Remove your jacket.” Mr. Gravestone grasped his willow bark pointer, as Hawks shuffled out of his ill fitting clothing, leaving only his thin white starched shirt on beneath. The Headmaster showed no mercy as he tugged the tail of the shirt up over to expose Hawks’ naked back.

“You will count with your penance.”

“Yes Sir.” Hawks replied resolutely.

The punishment was not quick. Mr. Gravestone relished the position of power and Hawks would not break and cry as quickly as the other boys did, which only spurred the Headmaster’s anger further. Twenty lashes seemed to take forever, but Hawks had found his trick to stomach the punishment. He simply closed his eyes and removed his conscious from the situation. As with most things in life Hawks’ mind was able to take him to places his body couldn’t. For a time he was not at Brentwood, but in Spain, then the Mediterranean, the arctic circle, the sands of the orient. He flew over rooftops, and ran through alleyways, always a step ahead of the beast of pain that chased him, and he was never caught by it, at least not until everything was over and he was forced to come back to his body.

When twenty blistered welts had risen on Hawks’ back he was allowed to tuck in his shirt and re-don his corse jacket, barely keeping his composure as the tight rough fabric dragged across his tender skin. He would forever carry the scars of his punishment with him, and this was far from the last time he would feel the bite of Mr. Gravestone’s whip.

A lesser spirited boy would have died at BrentWood school. The winters were harsh and the summers were rarely pleasant. Luckily for Hawks he found solace in his studies and joy in books from the library. The books were mostly donated, with cracked bindings and watermarks. The pages were mangled and many were missing, but Hawks could spend hours reading, tucked away between shelves, even as the evening dark set in. He would press himself up into the window until the last rays of sunlight left him. If nothing else it gave him a small glimpse into another world, one far outside his reach. A world that he could dream of, a world that he would be free in one day, if he only could make it through another tomorrow.

His aptitude for language was evident from early on in his schooling. He excelled in French, dabbled in Latin, and when he’d become fluent tried to pick up German as well. The language teachers delighted in his improvement, and he was well versed in the other subjects as well. History, Geography, Arithmetic, he received the highest marks in his class, or close to it. It was Mr. Gravestone’s disapproval that kept him from advancing to a higher grade as many of the teachers suggested.

“He is far to immature and would only be a distraction to an older class.” Hawks considered it a good thing that he was kept with children of his own age. He was hardly friendly with any of them and the older boys got the more wicked they became.

It was a somewhat lonely existence for someone like Hawks, who as a child craved attention and adoration, but was given none of it. His excellence in his studies became the only way he could gain praise, and as he aged his quick wittedness was seen as less of a threat and more of a sign of his strong mind. At sixteen he’d become a teaching assistant with the younger classes and fully intended to get his teaching certificate in as many subjects as he could. By eighteen he had accomplished his goals and his fervor continued to spur him on. With the small amount of money he had on his person he ran an ad in the paper, advertising his skills for the position of a Governor, and within the first month he had a reply.


	2. First Impressions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Hawks left BrentWood early the morning after the letter arrived and did not look back. It was a fearful prospect being on his own in the world. For so many years his days had been segmented with schooling, now he seemed lost, floating alone in his lifeboat, barely keeping himself above the waves. He’d done as many orphans do, grown to the point where society no longer felt indebted to help and then been let free to make his own way.

He grabbed his suitcase resolutely and made his way to the inn keep, pulling the crinkled letter from his pocket and glancing again at the address. The offer was exactly what he had pictured his first appointment to be. His charge was an eight year old boy, the youngest of a large family, young enough that Hawks was confident in his abilities to mold the child and somewhat insured that if everything went well he would have work for at least one full year. It seemed to be the perfect situation. Hawks would gain experience and earn a fair wage, the first stepping stone up from the gutter he was born into.

“Excuse me,” Hawks presented himself with a friendly smile to the inn keep, a stern looking man who glanced at Hawks suspiciously, leaning both elbows on the table.

“Can I help you?”

“I'm supposed to meet someone here from the Todoroki estate.”

“Todoroki huh?” The inn keep looked Hawks up and down in scrutiny.

“Yes, I'm to work as a governor.”

The older man sniffed and rolled his eyes. “Well, when they arrive I will send them to you.” He paused. “If the estate isn't to your liking there's plenty of work in town. Keep that in mind.”

Hawks nodded, taken aback by the comment. He gritted through a smile as he made his way to a seat in the front waiting room of the inn.

Even though this town was only twenty or so miles away from the orphanage he had little knowledge of it. He’d never heard of the Todorokis before his letter. He’d never set foot into an inn, or taken a carriage. All of his earthly possessions were compacted into his trunk which sat rigidly on the floor by his side. This entire situation was frighteningly new, and it was all happening to him rather quickly, but Hawks was determined to not let his nerves get the best of him. Even though the innkeeper made him wary, his childhood had been such that any situation he may be thrust into would inevitably place him in a better environment than from which he came.

He glanced again at the clock. It was nearing five pm and his stomach had started to grumble. His breakfast had been rushed and meager, but he didn’t know when his escort would arrive and he was trying to save as much of his money as he could. Instead, he turned his attention to the threadbare overcoat, attempting to keep it from wrinkling and keeping his posture tall. Hawks had done his best to appear presentable, although an ill fitting suit and two changes of clothing was hardly a wardrobe to boast about. His hair had gotten long over the summer and it probably needed trimmed, instead he attempted to slick it back from his forehead. The tangle of dirty blonde wavy curls made it seem unruly, but there was nothing much he could do to change that either.

“He’s over there.” The innkeeper’s drawl turned Hawk’s attention to the counter where a simply dressed man stood gazing at him with a exasperated look.

“Are you Mr. Hawks?” The man advanced to him and offered a hand.

“Yes! It’s a pleasure to meet you!” Hawks was up in an instant grabbing his suitcase and hopping to attention.

The driver escorted him to a carriage, taking Hawk’s trunk and remaining relatively quiet as he settled his things.

“So have you worked for the estate long?” The driver grunted.

“Almost five years.” He wedged himself back up into the carriage and grabbed the reins.

“And what do you think of the family?”

“I’ll leave you to make your own judgements.” The driver cracked his whip as they pulled away from the inn. Hawks nodded, biting his lip and deciding that perhaps for the moment he would repress the rest of his questions.

The drive was quiet. The English countryside around them was beautiful, even in the fading light of dusk. It gave him more time to think as he let himself sink into the leather seat and press his face against the wall. They had to go slow along the lane, as the recent rain had almost ruined the road. Hawks could see the manor for a good ten minutes before they reached it’s doors. The structure was magnificently large, ancient, but well maintained. It was made mostly of stone, stained glass windows adorned the front with wrought iron fencing locking it away from the road. The grounds were trimmed and neat, with stables within walking distance and a garden that wrapped around the side of the structure.

They called it a manor, but a palace might have been a more apt way to describe it’s expanse. Never in his wildest dreams had Hawks imagined a home like this. Hawks left the carriage, grabbing his suitcase and making his way to the large oak doors at the front of the estate. His escort disappeared with the carriage, and his trunk. Once again Hawks was left on his own. He steeled his nerves determined to not be intimidated, no matter what lay beyond the doors. With a confident grin Hawks grabbed the iron knocker and struck three times.

The door creaked back and Hawks was met by a housemaid.

“Good evening. My name is Mr. Hawks. I’m to meet with a Miss Todoroki.”

The maid’s eyes widened as she nodded and opened the door wider for him to enter into the vestibule. He tried to keep his mouth from falling open. The room was several stories tall, a grand staircase was laid before him that rose and split in two before wrapping itself back around the sides of the room. Rich red carpeting flowed across the stone floors and tapestries hung against the walls, depicting scenes of all types from hunting parties to crusades, and prisms of color fell across it all as the sunlight came in through the stained glass. It was quite eclectic. The echo of his footsteps nearly deafened him in the almost absolute silence of the manor.

“This way please.” Hawks snatched his eyes back from the room and turned to follow the maid through a wide set of doors, past a grand dining hall, then down through another hallway and finally to a smaller sitting room. This room was much more intimate. There was a large brick fireplace surrounded by a sofa and a few chairs, with a low tea table between them.  The back of the room was lined with bookcases, all of them full. Hawks itched to touch them, but he kept his hands at his sides. A fire crackled merrily on the hearth, warming the room and giving it some light as the evening darkness settled through the windows.

Hawks was already stunned that a house like this even existed in the world and he was instantly worried that he would get lost within it.

“Miss Todoroki, Mr. Hawks is here to see you.” The maid curtsied and made her exit.

“Do come and have a seat.” A sweet voice drifted from where the figure of a young woman was hidden by the back of a large leather chair. Hawks strode toward the love seat and turned to see the soft smile of a girl who seemed even younger than himself.

“Miss Todoroki?”

“Mr. Hawks.” She smiled shyly and offered her hand. Hawks bowed to kiss it before taking his seat opposite her person.

“I must admit I’m a bit surprised. I expected you to be older.”

Hawks expected someone older as well. He had assumed, perhaps wrongly, that the child he was to be teaching was hers. Of course, now that he saw her he knew this could not be the case. Still, it seemed that she was the one in charge of his appointment.

“I assure you I am qualified.”

“Yes, of course. I didn’t mean to imply anything by it.” She blushed and squeezed her hands together in her lap, before clearing her throat. “So tell me more about yourself, I hardly know anything about you aside from what you said in your advertisement.”

Hawks smiled and settled himself back onto the love seat.

“There’s really not much to tell. I enjoy teaching, as well as I do learning and so I’ve made it my profession.”

“And you were schooled at BrentWood?”

“That’s correct.” Hawks didn’t elaborate further. He wasn’t sure if she counted it as good or bad and didn’t want to dig himself into a hole either way.

“What about family?”

“I was orphaned at a young age. Hence, my stay at BrentWood.”

She frowned and he could tell that it was genuine, unlike most people.

“I’m so sorry to hear that Mr. Hawks.”

Hawks smiled.

“It was a long time ago. I was in fact too young to even recall them so grieving them feels odd. In any case I prefer not to live in the past. There’s too much of the present to enjoy.”

“That I can agree with surely.” Miss Todoroki looked at him warmly, then cleared her throat. “As I relayed in the letter you’ll be teaching Master Shoto Todoroki, my youngest brother. He is a bit of a special case and needs as much one on one support as can be given.”

“Special how?” Hawks leaned forward on to his elbows.

“Oh,” Miss Todoroki startled and waved her hand. “Not in any bad way. He just is often quiet and melancholy. He keeps to himself and I’m afraid in school he might be tormented or fall behind. His constitution isn’t very strong, but he’s terribly bright. I tried to teach him at first but-” She blushed again and looked at her feet. “Siblings should stay as such and learning is best left to a professional.”

“That’s aptly put Miss Todoroki. In any case you should not have to burden yourself with the task of your younger sibling’s education. You have your own life pursuits I’m sure.”

Miss Todoroki nodded. “Indeed, it would be nice to be able to travel again come Spring.” She adjusted her skirts and made to stand. Hawks rose with her. Standing they were almost nose to nose, but at least she wasn’t taller than him. She was comely, with a clear complexion and nearly snow white hair. A pair of silver spectacles hung around her neck, no doubt for reading. Hawks wasn’t the only one who’d ruined his eyes with dim candlelight it seemed.

“Let me give you a tour of the house and then I’ll get you settled for the night. There’s sandwiches in the kitchen, as I’m sure you’re hungry. We can talk more in the morning. When you’re rested.”

“When do I meet Master Shoto?”

“Tomorrow surely.” Miss Todoroki replied over her shoulder and she lead Hawks from the sitting room and back out into the hall. “He’s up in his room now, readying himself for bed.”

“Is it really that late already?”

Miss Todoroki laughed and pulled out a watch from her waistband.

“It’s nearly eight in the evening.”

“Time has been stolen from us then.” Hawks replied cheekily, finding it easier to relax as Miss Todoroki led him through the hallway and to the kitchen. She introduced him to the staff, the maid who had opened the door for him earlier was Sue and the cook was Mary. They forced him into a turkey sandwich with pickled vegetables and ensured him that if he was ever peckish there would be food for him there. When he was through Miss Todoroki lead him back to the main staircase.

“This is magnificent.” Hawks ran his hand along the banister as he scaled the steps behind her.

“It was built nearly one hundred and fifty years ago. There have been renovations over the years and the addition of the east wing, but most of what you see is original to the time.”

“The architecture is absolutely amazing.” Hawks gawked, stopping on the landing to admire the wood carvings along the archways. “Has your family always lived here then?”  

“Yes, with the exception of a few years the house has always been lived in, although it’s really too large to keep a full staff. We don’t use rooms in the west wing because of it, not unless we’re entertaining guests.”

She lead Hawks up to the second floor and down a long hall, showing him the washroom, their study, the library where he would be tutoring Shoto, and finally his room.

“I hope that it will be to your liking.”

Hawks glanced through the doorway. It was a modest room compared to the rest of the home, but far grander than anything he had ever been in before. There was a large double bed with a rich red canopy and on either side of it sat two large windows that overlooked the field behind the house and part of the garden. A large wooden wardrobe sat opposite the bed and there was a tidy desk in the corner with shelving enough for his teaching supplies.

“It will suit me perfectly.” Hawks chimed. “Thank you for your hospitality Miss Todoroki.”

“I’m glad, and please call me Fuyumi.”

“Miss Fuyumi then.” Hawks bowed deeply. “Good night.”

She left him and he turned with a sigh to his trunk. He hung his sparse clothing in the wardrobe, throwing on his ragged bed shirt and washing his face before turning to the window. It was too early in the evening for sleep to find him. The moon was full in the sky, the ground below covered in a low mist. He felt a draft by the bottom of the window pane and frowned as a shiver broke through him. The ceiling above him creaked, as if someone were walking overhead.

Hawk’s imagination ran wild. He’d read too many novels where old houses possessed hidden doorways. Just to be sure he walked around the walls of his room, pressing on panels, even going so far as to push on the back of his wardrobe. When he was certain there were no secret passages hidden away he let out a self-deprecating laugh and fell back onto the bed. It was heavenly soft, like laying on a cloud, far more luxurious than anything he’d ever slept on in BrentWood. His bones felt like lead, and he turned his weary frame around to bury himself under the blankets.

He couldn’t help but to rejoice at his luck that he would end up in a house this grand, with a employer who seemed so genuinely kind. It was almost too perfect to be without suspicion. Hawks sighed and turned over to his side, facing away from the door. He forced his eyes closed. If he could get over his nerves sleep would surely claim him.

Unfortunately, Hawks had underestimated his mind and sleep seemed determined to evade him. He’d laid still as he could with his eyes shut, hoping the position would lull him into a dream. Begrudgingly he turned again to face the door and just as he did a light caught his eye. It was a dim flame, likely from a candle and as soon as he saw it, it disappeared as if someone was only passing quickly through the hall. Although, why would they come down this far. Hawks’ room was at the end. Perhaps one of the servants?

His curiosity got the better of him and he stealthily removed himself from the sheets and padded to the door. Quietly as he could he turned the handle to peep through the crack into the hall, but there was nothing there. Only the dark. Hawks frowned and opened the door a bit wider, glancing each way down the hall to find it completely empty. He tucked himself back into his room and closed the door again, this time being sure to lock it, then he scampered back into bed and dove under the covers more quickly than he would like to admit.

He buried his head under the blanket, happy that there was no witness to his ridiculous behavior. Still, he couldn’t seem to get his heart to calm every hair on him stood at attention, goosebumps prickling up to his scalp. _This was absurd._ As if to protest his fears he bravely reached out to the bedside table and struck a match, lighting the candle at his bedside and then rising to fetch a book from his trunk and his reading glasses.

Reviewing a lesson plan or two would surely put him to sleep, and it would ready him for his introduction to Shoto tomorrow. In any case work would do the job in ridding him of this nervous energy.


	3. Shoto Todoroki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

       A maid came at seven the next morning to wake Hawks for breakfast and found his door locked. He awoke with a book on his chest and his candle burned to a nub. When asked how he slept by the staff Hawks replied with praises that did not reach his eyes. He gathered himself, despite his fatigue and headed downstairs. Breakfast was served in the smaller dining room, with eggs, toast, and bacon. Fuyumi was seated at the table and beside her sat a boy, who Hawks could only assume was Shoto.

       His hair struck Hawks immediately, two toned and parted straight down the middle, half white and half blood red, brushed back behind his ears and a little long for someone of his age. There was a distinctive scar around his left eye and upper cheek, although it was faded enough to not draw obvious notice. He seemed soured to Hawks’ company, refusing to meet his eyes and instead focusing on his breakfast, picking it to pieces with the silverware and barely bringing a bite to his mouth.

       “Shoto you must eat, not play.” Fuyumi scolded him, but her words carried no bite.

       Shoto sighed deeply and plaintively sucked on the crust of his toast in somber obedience. Hawks devoured his plate and helped himself to seconds with his coffee.

       “You’re lucky to be given such a fine breakfast.” He began with a smile in Shoto’s direction. “When I was your age I subsisted on burnt porridge and bread crust.” Shoto pouted at the statement, leveling Hawks with a glare.

       “We’re not paupers. We can afford to keep chickens.”

       “Yes I can see that.” Hawks observed the room pointedly. Shoto sighed and tossed his toast down, rolling his head against the back of his chair.

       “May I be excused?”

       “No Shoto, you may not. You will eat your food and then begin your first lesson today with Master Hawks.” Shoto scrunched up his nose and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

       “I don’t need a governor, and besides he’s barely old enough to be one.” Hawks laughed into his napkin, he was beginning to see what Fuyumi meant when she said she’d had trouble.

       “Father insists-” Fuyumi began.

       “I hate father! _Qu’il aille en enfer_!” Hawks raised an eyebrow as Fuyumi sighed again and placed her head into her hand.

 _“Ce n'est pas bien de dire cela à propos de votre père.”_ Shoto’s gaze snapped to Hawks, eyes opened wide. Hawks smiled sheepishly and sipped on his coffee.

_"Tu parles français?”_

_"Oui.”_ Shoto looked up at Fuyumi and then back to Hawks, calculating the situation. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, beaten.

       “Well I suppose I can let you try to teach me. If you think there’s anything you can.”

       Fuyumi looked up at Hawks like he’d caught the sun for her, and Hawks couldn’t help but to be excited. He was ready to welcome a challenge.

 

       After breakfast Shoto took Hawks to the library to show him where he’d left off in his studies. He was a bright child, and Hawks caught on quickly to where his strengths and weaknesses were. Anything Shoto loved or found enjoyable was given all of his attention, and anything he loathed -like arithmetic- he avoided like the plague. He had excelled in the languages and geography but his sums were horrid and teaching him required both patience and encouragement.

       Within half an hour Shoto was nearly brought to tears with long division.

       “I hate numbers. Why should I even bother with them. I’ll never need them.”

       “Of course you will.” Hawks argued. “You’ll have to manage your own accounts one day.”

       “I’ll just hire an accountant.” Shoto pouted, shoving the page away. Hawks laughed heartily, as the boy frowned deeper.

       “Don’t laugh at me.”

       “I’m sorry, you just talk so maturely for a child.”

       “And you talk to childish for a governor.” Hawks leaned his cheek into his hand.

       “Perhaps, but I’m trying to relate to you.” Shoto wrinkled his nose again.

       “Well stop it. I don’t want to relate to you, and I won’t be your friend either so don’t ask.” The boy placed his elbows on the table and looked down again at his equation. Hawks sat silently watching him as his pencil hovered over the paper. Shoto sniffled, wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve. He wrote something down and then quickly erased it, biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

       “Would you like me to show you again?” Hawks asked soothingly. Shoto nodded, pushing the book to Hawks who carefully re-wrote the problem and gently explained what to do. On the third try Shoto correctly solved it. Hawks closed the book and Shoto looked up at him, shocked.

       “Let’s take a break there shall we?” The boy nodded happily and Hawks could see the stress fall off his small shoulders.

       “Dwelling to much on something this tiring will ruin the day. Instead let’s take a walk, you can show me the grounds.” Shoto nodded, jumping from the chair to grab his coat from his room and almost knocking over the maid as he sped down the hallway.

 

       The fall air was crisp but in the sun it was warm. Shoto walked five steps ahead of Hawks introducing everything in the garden and explaining how it would look in the spring. It was a large estate, with fountains and hedgerows that grew high enough to act as a maze. Shoto’s rapid footfalls and the crunch of crisp leaves were the music of their journey. He rambled in broken French, with Hawks gently correcting him and supplying the words when Shoto misspoke.

       By the time they had rounded the estate and were at the front gate again Shoto had run out of things to explain and had begun instead to ask questions.

       “Master Hawks, where did you live before you came here?” He hopped up the steps and then jumped back down four at a time.

       “I lived at Brentwood School.” Shoto squinted up at Hawks through the sunlight.

       “Did you like it there?” Hawks frowned.

       “Honestly, no. I did not.”

       “I don’t think I would like to go off to school either. My brother Natsuo is at school right now. He likes it, but he only really likes it because he never has to see father when he’s there.”

       “Does he not like your father?”

       “No one likes father.” Shoto replied sourly, he’d begun to scale the a large stone lion that sat at the edge of the front stairs. Hawks moved closer, but didn’t reprimand him.  

       “Why is that?”

       “Because father is mean, and he doesn’t like any of us either.”

       Hawks knew that childhood often unrightfully skewed the perception of a strict parent, so he tried not to judge too quickly.

       “And how is your father mean?” Shoto remained silent, he had perched himself on the back of the stone lion and began to run his fingers over the carving of it’s hair.

       “Does he curse at you?” Shoto shook his head. “Does he spank you?” Shoto’s eyes became very large and he shook his head even harder. “Then what does he do?” Shoto sighed and put his cheek down to the lion, eyes staring at Hawks woefully. It was just then that Hawks noticed they were different colors. It was hard to make out because the change was subtle but in the afternoon sunlight he could see that Shoto’s right eye was grey and the left a brighter blue. Hawks had read about heterochromia in animals, but never seen it in a person.  

       “Come here.” Hawks held up his arms and Shoto scrambled off it’s back, letting Hawks grab him and set him back on the steps, stumbling in the process.

       “You’re not very strong.” Shoto observed and Hawks shook his head.

       “No, I was a sickly child.” The boy reached out and pinched Hawk’s leg.

       “Ouch! What was that for?” He laughed and grabbed Hawks’ hand.

       “We cannot skip lunch then, let’s go eat.”

       “Fine,” Hawks rubbed at his leg. “But do not pinch me anymore or we will do sums all afternoon.”

       Shoto’s eyes became impossibly large for a moment, before he caught on to Hawks’ teasing smile and answered it with one of his own as he turned to flee up the stairs and back inside. Hawks sighed and looked back over his shoulder, allowing the cold fall air to whip around him once more before turning to follow Shoto inside.

 

       For lunch the staff had prepared beef stew and brown bread with butter. It was a heartier meal than Hawks was used to and he almost ate himself sick. After they were finished he again joined Shoto in the library where they studied history until tea time. They took it in the library and Fuyumi joined them. She listened in rapture as Shoto detailed his studies of the day and reported that he had taken the liberty to show Hawks around the grounds as well. Shoto promptly curled himself up on the couch afterwards and fell asleep.

       “You’ve exhausted him.”

       “And he’s exhausted me as well.”

       “I’ve never seen him quite so taken with someone before.” Fuyumi pushed the hair back from his cheek and tucked it behind his ear, bringing the scar back into view.

       “He’s a bright child. It’s almost too easy to be enamored by him.” Hawks replied fondly. Fuyumi laughed.

       “You sound like father.” Hawks turned to her.

       “From what Shoto says his father is not the doting type.” Fuyumi hummed, tilting her head, then glanced back down at Shoto sorrowfully.

       “He’s too young to understand the subtlety of father’s affections. Shoto has always been his favorite. It’s one of the reasons he approved of a governor.”

       “Your other brother Natsuo, Shoto said he was in school.”

       “Yes, he’s just turned fourteen and he’s doing well. Natsuo makes friends easily. He’s happier away from home.”

       “If I had a home like this I don’t think I would be quick to part with it.” Fuyumi smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, instead she turned to the fireplace as if lost in thought for a moment. Shoto stirred beside her. He rubbed his eyes and blinked blearily, gaze drifting over to her and then Hawks in turn.

       “Why don’t you play us something Shoto, then we can all head down to dinner in a bit.” Shoto tumbled off the couch and clambered over onto the bench of the piano. There was a loud thunk as he lifted up the fallboard. Hawks turned in his seat to observe him and found that all he could see was the top of Shoto’s head and his small shoes that barely reached the damper pedals.

       Hawks had never had the privilege to learn an instrument at school. They were only taught choral arrangements and most of those were religious in nature. Shoto played a simple piece by Beethoven after a few warm up scales and Hawks and Fuyumi applauded him rapturously. Hawks turned to Fuyumi.

       “And who taught him to play?” She blushed.

       “I did. We started with lessons a few years ago.” Hawks smiled.

       “Well now Miss Fuyumi, I must hear you play as well.”

       “Oh, I couldn’t…” Shoto hopped from the bench and raced over to her pulling at both her hands.

       “You must, you must show Master Hawks how lovely you can play.” Fuyumi blushed again and batted his hands away from her.

       “Fine, I’ll not be harassed into more than one tune though.” She made her way over to the piano and sat with much more grace than Shoto had.

       The minute her fingers touched the keys Hawks knew the melody. It was Moonlight Sonata. The haunting refrain filled the library. Her execution of the piece was exquisite, and when she finished Hawks and Shoto had both risen to their feet in applause. Fuyumi tutted them and closed the fall board.

       “I see this house has a penchant for Beethoven.” Hawks chided.

       “That it does.” She blushed. “He is father’s favorite.” Shoto stuck out his tongue and Fuyumi pressed a hand over his mouth.

       “Don’t be ugly. Now go and wash for dinner.” Shoto rolled his eyes and slinked out of the library dragging his feet in defiance. Hawks laughed at his antics as Fuyumi shook her head. Hawks held out his arm and escorted Fuyumi to the dining room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qu'il ait en enfer! - May he go to hell 
> 
> Ce n'est pas bien de dire cela à propos de votre père. - That's not good to say about your father.
> 
> Tu parles français? - You speak french?
> 
> Oui.- Yes
> 
> \-------  
> I'm sorry I do not speak french I used google translate and then got some lovely help editing from someone who knows far more than I do.  
> ~ Thank you for reading ~


	4. Enji Todoroki

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Prejudices, it is well known, are most difficult to eradicate from the heart whose soil has never been loosened or fertilised by education: they grow there, firm as weeds among stones.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      It’d been three weeks since Hawks arrived at the manor. Shoto had mastered long division, and no longer cried when it came time to work on arithmetic. They took walks around the grounds daily and always practiced music after tea. Life had once again become a routine, but this time a far more welcomed one for Hawks. It was fair to say that both Todoroki’s had wedged themselves into his heart and he happily welcomed it. He’d never had a family before, not a real one, at least not one that he could remember, but this felt frighteningly close to what he’d imagined it to be like.

      Hawks finally stopped needing an escort to go around the house and he prided himself that he’d only gotten lost once in the middle of the night while trying to make his way downstairs to the kitchen. Many parts of the home were still a mystery to him, but the hallways were seeming less foreign and the tapestries more familiar as time went on.

      It was drawing closer to Christmas each day and December brought with it snow and even colder winds. Three days ago Shoto and Hawks went out with the gardener to cut down a pine tree and cart it indoors to decorate. The thing was monstrously large, almost twice Hawks’ height and size, enough to block off the hall with it’s bulk. They needed to use a step ladder to decorate it and made popcorn garlands and gingerbread to adorn it’s branches. Hawks was almost giddy, he’d never really decorated a Christmas tree before. The orphanage wouldn’t have been able to afford or allow such folly. His excitement seemed to infect Shoto, drawing the boy more and more out of his solemn shell.

      Even though it hadn’t been spoken aloud, Hawks knew that Fuyumi and Shoto had managed to somehow get him gifts. He also knew he’d be mortified if he couldn’t return the favor so on Wednesday he set Shoto up with a large assignment of reading and told Fuyumi he would go to town. She’d asked if he wanted the carriage, but he’d refused her. The walk was only three or so miles and it would do him good to get the exercise.

      He made it to the store by noon, secured his gifts, had them wrapped and placed them back into his satchel. He should have been spending money on a new coat, but he simply didn’t have the funds yet to afford it with the presents, so presents it was.

      The three mile walk back seemed longer, perhaps it was because he’d not yet eaten lunch, or maybe it was his generally weak constitution. Whatever the reason, he found himself exhausted at halfway and decided to stop for a bit and rest along the edge of the road.

      Hawks leaned back onto a large boulder that was positioned in the sunlight and turned his face to the sky. The air stung his nose, but sunlight warmed his cheeks and kept his fingers cozy in his pockets. The afternoon was quiet and thick with the silence of winter, the gentle drip of melting snow echoing from the branches. It was peaceful and it made Hawks wonder if perhaps for once his life was rewarding him for all those years of suffering that he’d endured. He’d never felt this at ease before, this happy with his situation. The future for him was endless.

      It was the sound of a horse cantering down the lane that caught Hawks’ ears first, then the barking of a dog, deep and loud, followed by the voice of a man yelling something Hawks could not repeat in polite company before there was a great crash. Just like that the illusion of his peace was shattered.

      He rose from the boulder and surveyed the lane to see a large black steed on its side and it’s rider thrown off into the ditch. Hawks scrambled off his perch and made his way over, observing as the man attempted to pull himself to his feet and the horse stood as well. The dog, an enormous dane that would have easily looked Hawks straight in the eye if he stood on his hind legs, came bounding up to Hawks butting it’s head into his hip as if to push him forward into the road.

      “Cerberus down!” The man snapped, clutching at his leg, his face scrunched up in pain. The dog raced back to its master and whined, turning back to pin Hawks with guilty eyes as if pleading for help on his master’s behalf.

      “Are you alright?” Hawks inquired, sliding down the side of the ditch clumsily and making his way out into the lane. Just ahead he could see a thick sheet of ice, which must have been the culprit for the fall.  

      The man glanced at Hawks with a frown, then turned back to his horse as if he hadn’t heard the question. He beckoned and called for the horse but it stayed away, as the Dog crowded him further.

      “Damn it all.”

      “Can I help?” Hawks moved forward tentatively, all three creatures seemed libel to bite him if he reached for any too quickly. Now that he was closer Hawks could make out more of the man’s expression. His lips were twisted in a grimace that set his mouth into a firm line, accenting an even firmer jaw that was decorated with the beginnings of a beard. He had cropped blood red hair and piercing blue eyes, that were nearly hidden by his scowl and a pair of intimidating eyebrows. His coat was expensive and well made, although it was dirtied from his fall. The man looked mad enough to spit fire and his voice was sharp when he finally replied.

      “Fine boy, come here.” Hawks made his way over to the stranger, who rudely grasped his arm and almost pulled Hawks over with his weight as he wrenched himself up to his feet. Hawks bent his knees and made himself a solid post for the taller man to lean onto, fitting neatly underneath his shoulder. The dog whined and sniffed at their legs as Hawks lead the man up and onto the road. Every step they took the stranger hissed, favoring his right foot and hopping more than stepping as they moved to catch his horse’s bridle.

      The animal pawed at the ground and nearly startled away as Hawks approached with its rider. The man finally grabbed the saddle and let Hawks go from his weight.

      “She doesn’t seem to like you.”

      “Nor I her.” Hawks took a step back from the horse as she snorted at him. The rider let out a groan as he leaned harder into her side.

      “I can fetch help, if you need it. I live just down the lane.” The man’s eyes snapped over to Hawks and observed him fully for the first time in their meeting. He squinted.

      “Down this lane?”

      “Yes. At the Todoroki estate.”

      “Really?”

      “Yes…” Hawks frowned, there would be no reason for the man to doubt him, at least none that came to mind.

      “And how long have you lived there? Surely not long?”

      “Almost a month.” Hawks offered and the man snorted, rubbing a hand down his face and glancing back over his shoulder at the structure. “Do you know the family?” The man laughed short and harsh, letting his hand fall down to his side.

      “Intimately, I’m afraid.” He glanced back at Hawks. “And what are you- a servant? Or perhaps a ward for their charity?” Hawks bit his lip in embarrassment, well aware of his worn coat and disheveled appearance. The man was obviously well off, but perhaps he did not realize how offensive his quick assumptions of station were.

      “I’m the governor for the youngest child.” The man looked back at him critically.

      “You look too young to be a governor.” Hawks bristled at the words. He was weary from the cold and weary of being judged so quickly by his age and size. The man was blunt, devoid of tact, and as he was a stranger Hawks felt his manners leave him.

      “And you look too lame to ride your horse.” He spat back, his anger flaring. The man’s mouth opened slightly, his face a mask of sudden surprise as Hawks re-adjusted the strap of his bag and turned away. “Now, let me fetch someone for you. Wait here.” Hawks began to trek towards the house again.

      The man huffed indignantly and with a look of fierce determination practically vaulted himself back on his horse, cursing profusely. Hawks turned and looked at him, shocked.

      “Be careful who and what you label boy.” The man sneered over his shoulder. “Come Cerberus.”  With that the strange man took off down the lane towards the house, leaving Hawks even more puzzled.

 

      When Hawks arrived home it was tea time. He dusted the snow off his boots and placed his satchel and parcels upstairs, planning to take them down to the tree after dinner. He washed his face and attempted to tame his hair, which now was long enough to touch his chin. Being outside all morning had left him with pink cheeks and a ruddy and windblown complexion. The winter air and the walk reinvigorated him, despite his interlude on the road, which left his head spinning.

      Grabbing the latest book he’d been reading, he turned out of his room and left for the library, but when he arrived there was no one there, nor was there a fire in the hearth. Puzzled, Hawks made his way downstairs to catch one of the maids and ask after where the Master and Miss were having tea.

      “Master Shoto and Miss Fuyumi took tea in the parlor with their father.” She glanced at his suit. “If you plan to join them sir, I’d change into a nicer suit. Mr. Todoroki is quite particular.”

      Hawks looked at his vest and frowned. So the great Mr. Todoroki had returned home finally. How odd for it to be today of all days. Hawks made his way back upstairs and hurried to change, this time leaving his book on the bed and making his way to the parlor as quickly as he could.

      He’d heard the name and quite a few rumors from the staff by now. Enji Todoroki was the middle son of his father, inheritor of the state, and a seasoned businessman, who spent much more time abroad than he ever did at home.  Shoto’s soured opinion and Fuyumi’s praise had certainly painted contrasting pictures of his character. Hawks hoped to make a good impression, after all it would be in his best interests to be friendly with his employer, even if he’d been hired by Fuyumi, Enji Todoroki paid his salary.

      Hawks knocked politely on the door before letting himself into the room. He was struck immediately by the scene, all of his best intentions screeching to a halt at what lay before him. Across from the roaring fire his red headed stranger with the piercing blue eyes sat sullenly, his right foot wrapped and placed on the table, supported by pillows. _Damn it._ Hawks really had no luck.

      Fuyumi was tutting around the man and Shoto sat glumly at the edge of the couch, as if to get as far away from his father as was possible while still remaining seated in the room.

      Hawks’ entrance drew Enji’s gaze and for a moment Hawks was struck dumb with it. He looked like an injured wolf, ready to strike at any hand that would reach to touch him.

      “So this is your darling Hawks, huh Shoto?” The man’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Come into the room, I’ll not fire you for today boy.”

      Hawks jaw locked to keep the replies from leaping off his tongue as he moved into the room. Shoto glanced up from his seat wearily, as if to silently apologize for mentioning his name.

      “You could have told me who you were sir.” Hawks stated smoothly, standing between the edge of the couch where Shoto sat and the fire. “I feel foolish now to not have seen the resemblance between yourself and the young master.”

      Enji snorted and looked to Shoto briefly before his eyes led back to Hawks. His form was severe and intimidating even as he sat injured in his chair. He was the type of man to commanded the attention of the room and as much as Hawks hated to relent, he held his attention as well. Everyone else in the parlor remained silent, as if horrified to chance interrupting  him.

      “And you have been here how long?”

      “Three weeks sir.”

      “Three weeks-” Enji looked around the parlor. “That’s hardly any time at all, and already Shoto is showing improvement in his studies and his disposition.” Shoto wiggled on the edge of the couch, glancing shyly to Hawks.

      “He is a joy to teach sir.” Enji glared at his son.

      “He is a stubborn boy, who squanders most of his talent out of fear. It takes a clever teacher to mold him.” Hawks startled at the compliment.

      “They made quick friends.” Fuyumi added, taking her place on the couch beside Shoto after handing her father his teacup. “Shoto has been doing marvelously.” He took a sip.

      “I hope to see it continue.” Enji replied, whincing as he stretched to set his cup back on the table. “You’re covering all the sciences with him, and French?”

      “Oui monsieur.”

      “Très bien.” Enji replied, glancing at Hawks critically. “Your accent is not as bad as I would have thought it to be. Have you ever been to France Master Hawks?” Hawks shook his head.

      “No sir, I’ve never left England, but I do seem to have a knack for language and my teacher did live in France for a time.”

      Hawks stood still as Enji’s gaze seemed to rake over him, as if he was trying to sniff out a lie or stare into his soul.

      “And you, Mr. Hawks, where do you come from?”

      “Brentwood school sir.”

      “I’ve heard of that establishment. It’s a charity school, is it not?” Hawks looked at his shoes. That was putting it plainly.

      “Yes, but I daresay it supplied me a fair education.” Enji huffed.

      “Is Mr. Gravestone still Headmaster there?” Hawks felt his shoulders tense at the mention of his name, unconsciously straightening his posture, and he could not control the cloud of distaste that passed over his countenance.

      “He is Sir, do you know him?”

      “I know many people, although I would not say I know him well.” He scratched his chin in thought, as if waiting to choose his words. “This school takes stock in its ability to discipline problem students. Were you ever a problem Mr. Hawks?” Hawks grinned cheekily, finally understanding where the inquiry was headed.

      “I was whipped quite harshly and often, but I assure you that was several years ago now.” Enji nodded, frowning as he glanced over at Shoto and then again to Hawks. He gestured to Fuyumi.

      “Take Shoto out so we can talk at ease.” Fuyumi complied, graciously taking the boy by the hand and leading him gently from the room. As the door shut behind them Hawks’ worry spiked. Was he now to be reprimanded? Had he been wrong to speak so frankly? Enji leaned forward in his chair with a grave expression and Hawks steeled himself for a lecture.

      “I must make myself clear now, that sort of discipline is never to be used with Shoto.” Hawks’ eyes widened in surprise and then blazed with indignation.

      “I would never dream of it Sir, and furthermore I doubt it would ever be necessary. Shoto is inquisitive by nature, not rebellious.” Enji reclined against the chair, seemingly put at ease by Hawks’ reply, and in agreement with him about the boy’s temperament.  

      “Were you rebellious Mr. Hawks?”

      “Oh certainly Sir.” Hawks met Enji’s gaze and held it, delighted to see the hint of amusement behind the other man’s eyes.

      “And did that sort of discipline effectively quell you of it?”

      “Not at all Sir.” Enji smirked.

      “It was pointless then.” He reached out to grab his teacup and sighed deeply, shifting with a grimace, and straining to find any comfort. It was hard to tell how severe his injury was under the layers of wrap, but Hawks could see his toes were bright red, almost purple and he’d had to roll the hem of his pants up nearly to his knee for the sake of the bandage.

      “If it’s not too forward of me, may I ask how your ankle is doing?”

      “It is too forward, but you already asked so I shall oblige you.” He paused to sip his tea and glanced to make sure he had Hawks’ attention before he continued. “The doctor says that it’s only a sprain. So you and my children will have to tolerate my company until the new year it seems.”

      “Then it will be a delight to have you here for the holidays.” Enji raised an eyebrow.

      “No one has ever found my presence to be _delightful_ Mr. Hawks, my children especially.”

      “Fuyumi speaks of you fondly.” Hawks protested, taken aback by his frankness.

      “She does that for Shoto’s sake, not mine. She plans to marry and leave this house as soon as she can. Do not let her sweetness fool you.” He looked back at the fire in a pout, brows furrowed. In that instant Hawks was so strongly reminded of Shoto, he could barely contain his smile. Hawks doubted that Enji truly understood his daughter’s feelings about the matter. Fuyumi had never struck him as dishonest or the type of person to meticulously plan her escape.

      “It is an unfortunate truth that children do grow older, but marriage brings happiness does it not?” Hawks smiled as if to comfort him, but Enji just looked more morose.

      “And time has left me all too quickly. Of course I would not keep her from her happiness.” He continued, blue eyes pinning Hawks to the couch. “As long as the man was capable of supporting her- which you are not.” He added sharply, startling Hawks and causing his cheeks to flame.

      “I- Sir. No. I- I can promise you I have no intention whatsoever- the thought has never entered my head!” Hawks sputtered from his seat.

      “See that it stays that way.” Enji replied, as if he doubted his candor.

      Further protest died on Hawks’ tongue. He knew that any more words on the matter would only make it seem like he was being false. Hawks had long ago decided that he would never marry or have children, as it clashed heavily with his nature, but confessing that to his employer, no matter how emboldened he felt at the time, would surely be a mistake. Instead he took a deep breath and swallowed down his pride. He stood from his seat and bowed deeply.

      “I wish you a speedy recovery sir. I’ve taken your words to heart, but I must retire. Good night.” Then he fled out the parlor doors to avoid being teased further.

      Luckily, that evening Enji took his dinner alone in the parlor, which meant Hawks did not have to cross his path again that evening. He crept up to his room at eight and read until nearly ten, unable to sleep and feeling generally unsettled by everything that had transpired that day. He still could not decide if he disliked Enji or not. The man was certainly fierce, and he used his position of power to batter Hawks with questions or belittle him, which was hardly evidence to boost his character. Still, his obvious care toward his children was endearing. Hawks had never had a father and he was unsure of how one should act, so he had no measure with which to judge Enji.

      He’d been quick to draw lines when it came to his children, but other than that, had requested nothing of Hawks and only praised his work so far with Shoto. He was severe and exacting, but those could hardly be considered faults of character.

      Hawks blew out his candle in a huff, distracted again by the ceiling as it creaked and cracked above him with the wind. Enji Todoroki was still very much a mystery, and he’d definitely drawn Hawks’ attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for making you put up with more of my awful google translate french. 
> 
> *yes sir  
> *very good


	5. Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas time is here...

      The winter solstice arrived and brought with it a foot of snow. It had been almost a full week since Enji’s return and he was on the mend, quicker than most men would be, but not quick enough for his tastes. He’d taken to limping through the house and cursing at anything and anyone around him. It didn’t matter if it was staff or the dog, or the grand staircase banister that he hit his small toe against when his hurrying got the better of him. He hadn’t spoken a word to Hawks since their conversation in the parlor and Hawks was certainly not going to attempt to break the silence. 

      Fuyumi, Hawks could tell, knew that something had been said, because the next time she saw Hawks her face bloomed red as a rose and she almost dropped her reading glasses. Shoto was too young to notice the social cues, but he’d taken his father’s distancing from Hawks to be a good thing, and would have honestly been more troubled by them getting along than he was at the cold indifference between them. 

      They were only four days out from Christmas and with each day that passed Shoto became more impatient with his studies. Because of the snow they rarely went outdoors and the early darkness made him restless. On more than one occasion Fuyumi caught him hanging around the Christmas tree and glancing at the presents as if trying to deduce what they were by sight alone. She shooed him away, forcing him back up to the library or to the piano to practice. 

      Hawks idly read on the couch as Shoto played through a simplified version of Silent Night, then Joy to the World. 

      “Master Hawks sing with me.” Shoto begged after the third time through. 

      “You voice is lovely enough without mine Shoto.” Hawks replied, snuggling further into the couch cushions. 

      “I cannot hit all the notes though.” He complained somberly. Hawks took pity on him and put down his book to venture over. The songs were all newer publications, something the orphanage never had the money to purchase, but Fuyumi was a bit indulgent with sheet music. He grabbed the piece and scanned the arrangement then placed it back down on the music rack. 

      “Very well, you shall accompany me, mind your tempo.” Hawks critiqued and Shoto arranged himself on the bench properly, as if he was going to play a concert. 

      Hawks had always been a tenor, another blessing of talent that only made his peers resent and tease him in school, but here for the moment with only Shoto to observe him, he lost any shyness or doubt in his abilities and took to the melody willingly. The song was lovely but reverent and Shoto, as if empowered by his responsibility, played it perfectly with adequate expression to not overshadow his singer but to blend them together seamlessly. They played through all three verses, ending softly with the final refrain. 

 

_ Jesus, Lord at thy birth… _

 

      “So the bird sings too?” Hawks barely had time to compose himself before turning to see Enji leaning heavily on the door frame, keeping the pressure off his leg. Again those piercing blue eyes seemed to spear Hawks where he stood like an insect on a pinning board. How long he’d been standing there Hawks had no idea. For a man of his size he moved rather quietly. 

      “Do not mock him father, he has a fine voice.” Shoto turned on the bench frowning. 

      “I was not mocking.” Enji spat, hobbling into the room to collapse into an armchair near the fire. “Your playing has gotten better Shoto. Entertain me with another tune.” 

      Shoto shuffled his sheet music and Hawks stepped away from the bench, hoping to slyly leave the room before further notice could be called to him. 

      “Ah, do not attempt to flee bird, I have not the strength or patience to track you down. Stand next to the boy again. Your voice does better justice to the songs than a child’s.” Hawks made his hands to fists and turned sourly, meeting Enji’s gaze. The older man smirked back at him. “Have I ruffled your feathers again?” Hawks would not be baited. He stood in silence next to Shoto, who had turned around on the bench to stare at him as if in apology. 

      “You’ll forgive me Sir, if I do not know the tunes well. This is the first I have heard of most of them.” Hawks began as Shoto brought up the next page. 

      “I trust you’ll squawk to the best of your abilities then.” Enji replied, leveling Hawks with a look that was both challenging and teasing all at once. Hawks had no choice but to behave as a marionette and comply to his wishes. Even when unprepared he rose readily to the challenge and his voice was true to each tune that Shoto played. Enji sat in the high backed chair, eyes closed in an almost relaxed state. Hawks couldn’t tell if he enjoyed the performance or not. After he’d exhausted his repertoire Shoto sighed deeply and slumped his small shoulders forward. 

      “I have nothing left to play father.” Enji nodded as if lost in thought.

      “Very well Shoto. You may be excused.” Shoto lit up with glee and shuffled off the bench, surprising Hawks as he wrapped his arms around his waist and gave him a brief hug before bounding out of the room. Enji shook his head and mumbled to himself.  

      “Heh, no love for his father, only the canary.”

      Hawks stood awkwardly for a moment, and when he was addressed with no further requests bowed slightly.

      “I will leave you in peace then sir.” Enji turned with a snap.

      “You'll do no such thing. It was hard enough to track you down tonight, if I let you flee again I'll have to search for you in the rafters. Sit.” He gestured to the couch and Hawks obeyed. “You've taken pains to avoid me and I can only think it is due to what was said earlier.” Hawks held his tongue, unsure of what to say. He was striking to the heart of it rather quickly. “When I brought the matter up to Fuyumi she scolded me and so here is your apology. I suppose I let my fear guide my words too hastily.” 

      “Indeed you did.” Hawks muttered. 

      Enji glared at him. 

      “You can understand my concern though, as a father. You're hardly any older than her.” 

      “Be that as it may, if you had only taken time to talk with me or observe me for more than one encounter you would know better of my character and not judge me so unfairly.” 

      “Perhaps.” He glanced at Hawks once more before his eyes wandered back to the flames of the fire. In his quiet distraction Hawks took note of his face, mapping it out properly now that he was close enough. 

      Hawks’d grown up knowing he had fair features, and being teased mercilessly for them. Enji could boast no such claim to beauty, although he was attractive in his own right. His forehead was low, with a strong jaw and large brows that hooded his eyes. His complexion, although fair was not ruddied by freckles. His age was a mystery that Hawks could only guess at. Fuyumi was the eldest child at barely seventeen, but without knowing that Hawks would never dare to place him over thirty. A thousand bold questions sat on his tongue all of them too improper to ask. When was he married and where was she now? It could be as likely that she was vacationing in Paris as she was buried in the churchyard. No one had spoken even the semblance of a whisper about a wife or mother, which lead Hawks to believe that they had either separated scandalously or been parted by death. 

      He seemed to doubt the separation. Maybe it was the romantic in his soul, but Enji seemed to have a sadness in his eyes and a softness (although poorly expressed) for his children that made Hawks leap to tragedy as the cause. 

      “You observe me quite severely.” His sudden comment startled Hawks from his reverie. “What is it boy, did I shave poorly this morning? Is there breakfast on my coat?”

      “No Sir, you are as well put together as any man could be.” Hawks quickly looked back at his knees a blush rising high on his cheeks in shame at being caught. 

      “Do you think me handsome then? Is that what has drawn your eye.” 

      “Certainly not Sir.” Hawks replied. Enji chuckled deeply, his voice rolling over Hawks’ frayed nerves.

      “Certainly not, he says. Tsk.” Enji rolled his eyes. “If you had spoken so cruelly ten years ago my pride would've been sorely wounded. As it is now I cannot find any fault in your observation, tactless as it is.” 

      “I did not mean to offend-” 

      “You did not mean anything, the truth is told quickly. You owe me no explanation.” 

      “Someone of veritable reputation recently told me to be careful who and what I label.” Enji fixed him with an exasperated look, but did not reply to the taunt. Hawks, once again, lamented his own impulsivity. It was true that handsome was not the first thing that struck him when he observed his employer. No, his strength of posture and masculinity overpowered beauty, but there was a symmetry in his frame that was pleasing to the eye. His height and build made him imposing, thick arms and large calloused hands. Even injured he was an intimidating figure. 

      Hawks likened him to a weathered general, or a ship’s captain. A man of great importance and honor, who had seen the worst of the world and still not broken. Maybe Hawks was romanticizing it a bit too much, but in Hawks’ small life he’d never met anyone like Enji. 

      Try as he might Hawks could not bring himself to continue the discussion and so they sat in awkward silence as the fire popped and crackled before them until at last Enji went to stand from his chair. 

      “As it seems we cannot civilly converse without disagreement or insult I will bother you no further this evening.” He stated plainly before quitting the room as quickly as he could hobble. 

      Hawks leaned back into the couch and sighed running both hands messily through his hair and attempting to decipher why his heart beat was thudding in his ears. 

 

      Christmas approached soon thereafter and Hawks had all but forgotten his second, or third depending on the count, embarrassment. The house was buzzing with Christmas preparations and the smell of roast duck and pudding wafted through the halls. Shoto had been pestering the staff, tying mistletoe in bunches over door frames and standing in wait for someone to pass beneath them.

      He'd leapt up at Fuyumi and Hawks both on several occasions and once had forced the two beneath it unwittingly. Hawks bowed and offered a kiss to the back of her hand, before grasping Shoto and pulling him under to be assaulted with kisses from the both of them. His raucous laughter echoed through the house making the servants smile as they went about their preparations. 

      There were to be no lessons today, as it was a holiday, and even though Hawks was given the time off he had no family to visit so he kept himself busy with reading and chatting and sneaking snacks from the kitchen when he could. He didn't want to admit it, but his pants seemed to be getting tighter around his waist. Another few weeks of being well fed and he might have to let them out. 

      Enji had been hidden from the festivities so far and did not come downstairs until he was called for their early Christmas dinner. He seated himself at the head of the table, Fuyumi to his left, Shoto to his right, and Hawks on Shoto's other side. After desert Fuyumi read a letter from Natsuo out loud and passed about the gifts sent with it. Shoto was given a set of jacks and Fuyumi a beautiful pocket handkerchief, but Natsuo sent no present for his father. 

      Hawks felt that was odd, but said nothing of it. They proceeded to the formal sitting room where the tree was and then began to open the presents they had gotten for one another. Shoto, being both the youngest and most enthusiastic was allowed to go first. He knelt under the tree and grabbed the largest package first, bringing it out and reading the tag aloud.

      “To Shoto from Fuyumi.” He smiled up and her gaily and ripped through the newspaper wrappings. It was a pair of sleek ice skates. Shoto whooped and held them to his chest.

      “I must try them on right now!” He started to kick off his shoes. 

      “Ack, Shoto. Set those aside and wait until we have finished here.” Enji reprimanded him, and he complied with a heavy sigh sitting the skates against the couch and reaching again for the gifts under the tree. 

      “To Fuyumi from Hawks.” He picked up the small square parcel and placed it in Fuyumi’s lap. 

      “Thank you Shoto.” She glanced at the white paper and then up at Hawks, before she ripped into it as unceremoniously as Shoto had his skates. A smile broke out on her face as she held open the scarf to admire it. “It’s lovely Hawks, thank you.” 

      Hawks allowed himself a smile. It did suit her, and it was a practical gift. Shoto, who had quickly tired of watching her open the present, scrounged around for another gift under the tree. 

      “To Shoto from Hawks.” He shook the small box in his hand and listened to it rattle about, then gleefully disposed of the wrapper. “Oh, a Christmas cracker.” He grabbed both ends of the wrapped gift and pulled it apart with a loud pop, spilling the contents onto his lap. Hard candies and chocolates poured out and he squealed, and began to pile them into his pockets. 

      “I will not share father so do not ask me.” Enji huffed and wrinkled his nose. 

      “I have no desire for your sweets you spoiled boy. I see the bird has not been taking as many pains to mold your character as he has your mind.” Fuyumi placed a hand over her mouth to control her giggle and rose from the couch to reach beneath the tree herself as Shoto was currently too preoccupied to grab the next gift. 

      “To Hawks from Shoto.” She took the package and placed it in his lap. 

      “Am I to have no gifts this evening then?” Enji grumbled under his breath and a bit of guilt wedged into Hawk’s heart, even though he knew the man was only half teasing. 

      “Here Father,” Fuyumi reached beneath the tree and handed him one. “Merry Christmas.” He glanced at the red paper and then over to Hawks. 

      “Well go on bird.” He prompted. Hawks untied the bow and unfolded the paper to avoid tearing it as much as possible. It was a pair of yellow gloves. 

      “For our walks.” Shoto explained. “I picked them out myself.”

      “Thank you Shoto, they will be very useful to me.” Hawks replied, sliding them onto his hands to show the fit with a smile. 

      Enji turned to his present and opened it. It was a beautiful maple pipe with gold edging. 

      “Thank you Fuyumi.” He held it up for a second to inspect it before placing it in his breast pocket. Shoto reached under the tree and took another gift practically throwing it at his father. Enji opened it in turn and found it to be a pouch of tobacco to go with the pipe.  

      “Thank you Shoto.” 

      “You're welcome Father.” Shoto replied, distracted again underneath the tree. Fuyumi opened her present from Shoto next, which was a small wooden picture frame with pressed flowers in it. She also received a beautiful broach from her father. Fuyumi presented Hawks with a men's pocket kerchief that had his initials embroidered on it by her hand, and then there was only one gift left. 

      It was rather small and square and Shoto looked between it and his father in turn hesitantly. 

      “Well, go on.” Enji insisted. Shoto opened the box attempting to keep his face solemn but unable to hold back his smile at the object. It was a tiny silver harmonica. Hawks glanced to see Enji with a smirk on his lips, as Shoto pulled it out and blew on it as hard as he could making a discordant and uncomfortable noise that seemed to bounce and echo through the chamber. 

      Fuyumi grimaced. 

      “Perhaps you should play that outside dear.” 

      “No! I shall play it inside every day for forever and never set it down again. Thank you Father!” He chimed and then scrambled up to set himself beside Hawks and turned to him blowing as hard as he could through the device. The sound was piercing and Hawks barely repressed the desire to cover his ears. 

      “Listen Master Hawks!” Shoto aggressively played nonsense. Hawks heard a chuckle behind him and turned to see his employer laughing softly behind his hand, in much the way Fuyumi had a habit of, and felt a tiny glimmer of affection for the older man. He’d arguably given Shoto the best christmas present of them all. 

      After cleaning up the papers and begging Shoto to go up to his room to play further the three adults moved back to the parlor for cake. Fuyumi excused herself when the whiskey was brought, leaving Hawks and Enji once again at odds in front of the fire. 

      Hawks accepted a small glass and sipped it sparingly as he was not well acquainted with alcohol. It made him light headed and relaxed. Enji reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a white envelope passing it to Hawks.

      “What is this sir?”

      “Your Christmas bonus.”

      “But I've haven’t even worked two months, it's far too early for me to deserve anything of this sort.” Enji sniffed indifferently and drew out his new pipe to pack it.

      “Perhaps it is, but take it in the spirit of Christmas and use it to buy yourself some new plumage, that coat you own is disgraceful.” Hawks blushed at the jab and put the envelope in his jacket. 

      “Thank you sir, that is generous of you.” He paused. “I feel remiss that I did not get you anything.” Enji lit his pipe and reclined in his chair peacefully. 

      “I don't require gifts for my merriment as Shoto does.” 

      “But you would enjoy one.” Hawks continued, indicating the pipe with a tilt of his head. 

      “Pst, the quiet of the evening is a gift enough for me.” Hawks cracked a smile.

      “Then you have no care for me at all, for with Shoto's gift my evenings will never be quiet again.” Enji snorted and continued with genuine laughter as Hawks joined him, chuckling until his cheeks hurt.

      Hawks enjoyed these evenings, as few as they had been since Enji was waylaid within his home. He would be sad to see Shoto’s father leave. It seemed to Hawks that much of their discordant nature was induced by his absence from the home. If he were there daily Shoto would find himself his father’s pet, as he was certainly doted upon. 

      “Prepare yourself for next year sir. For I shall have to pay you back double.” 

      “You put high stock in yourself to believe you won’t be discharged before then.” Enji teased back. 

      “The one thing I have confidence in sir is my occupation.” Hawks replied. 

      “You’re rather young to have confidence in anything, occupation included. You act far to bold for your age, and your standing.” 

      “On the contrary sir, being bold is my only choice. Timidity gets you nowhere.” Enji nodded rubbing the bottom of his chin with one great hand. 

      “Perhaps you’re right, in some cases, but be careful you will have a long time to live with the decisions you make now.” He said soberly, as if spoken from experience.

      “Finished so soon?” Enji raised his eyebrows as Hawks sat his empty glass back down on the table, drawing his employer’s gaze.

      “I think I shall retire before it gets too late.” Hawks replied, standing and nearly stumbling with a blush. The effects of his drink were more pronounced than he’d realized. Enji snorted.

      “I suppose a lad as young as you has little tolerance for liquor.”

      “Indeed sir, I’ve only sipped on wine once before. I fear I have no taste for it either.” Enji sneered and picked up the bottle with a huff. It was a good vintage. 

      “Like pearls before swine,” Enji looked at Hawks, “or pigeons.” Hawks smiled rakishly.

      “Does my name amuse you so that you must always tease me? Why can you not liken me to a falcon or an eagle?” The drink had certainly gone to his head. 

      “Those are birds of prey with deadly motivations. You’re closer to a chicken.” Hawks looked aghast and crossed his arms.  His pride was wounded, but he could see the merriment in the other man’s eyes and he delighted in their banter. 

      “Don’t look so distressed Hawks.” He continued, slowly refilling his glass. “You’ll likely forget what’s been said come morning.” 

      Hawks wanted to form a rebuttal, but his tongue stuck in his mouth. He’d been had and he knew when to bow out. 

      “I hope I do-” he frowned, “good sleep has evaded me recently.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Good night Sir, and Merry Christmas.”

      “Merry Christmas Hawks.” Enji replied, lighting his pipe and turning to the window as Hawks quit the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ~<3~


	6. The Pond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Oh! that gentleness! how far more potent is it than force!”   
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

        Three days after Christmas Shoto convinced Fuyumi to let him go out to the pond with his skates. Snow had been on the ground for nearly a week and it was quite the trek to the pond. Enji had opted to stay at home, as his ankle was in no shape to wade through snow drifts. So it was the three of them again, Fuyumi bundled up to her nose, Hawks with his new gloves, and Shoto with his skates freshly polished and as many layers of clothing as Fuyumi could fit on him. 

        She’d been firm that they would not be out for more than two hours, but no one had brought a watch and Hawks suspected Shoto would seek to stretch his time as much as he was able. Hawks had borrowed a thick scarf, and had worn extra shirts under his coat, but still the wind bit through him. He wished that he’d had the time to make it into town and put his Christmas bonus to good use, but there’d simply been no opportunity. Whatever he ended up purchasing would most likely need to be tailored anyway, so he made the best of his clothes for now and tried to keep moving to keep himself warm. 

        The small skating pond was a five minute walk from the gardens. It was attached to a small creek that led out through the woods so the far half was thick with bushes and brambles, but the nearer half was clean and tidy along the shore and easy to skate on. 

        “Clear it quickly!” Shoto called to Hawks, who had of course brought a shovel with him to clear some of the snow and debris from the top of the ice so Shoto would have a clean place to skate. He tested it out cautiously scraping a five by five square near the shore first and then edging his way out further into the pond as he went listening for any popping or cracking, but hearing nothing but the sound of his solid footfalls. 

        “I wish I still had skates.” Fuyumi sighed as she helped Shoto to tighten his laces. 

        “Then buy some.” Shoto replied. 

        “I’m too old for skating now.” She lamented. Shoto wrinkled his nose. 

        “No you’re not. You should buy skates, you and Hawks, and then we can all skate together. Not father though. He’s far too large for skating.” Hawks nearly choked on his tongue in laugher.

        “That’s not very nice Shoto,” Fuyumi warned. 

        “It’s not my fault he’s so big. It’s just the truth. He would fall right through and sink to the bottom.” Hawks cackled into his glove. 

        “Help me to stand.” The boy asked, throwing up both arms in the air helplessly. Hawks grabbed him by the wrists and pulled him up. He wobbled a bit then took a few cautious steps to the ice, as Hawks walked behind him closely. 

        Shoto put one skate on the slick surface and almost lost his balance. Hawks grabbed his elbow. 

        “Don’t touch me! Let me do it myself.” Hawks let him go but stayed near as Shoto finally found his footing. 

        “Have you ever skated before?” Hawks asked. 

        “O-of c-course I have.” Shoto wobbled forward slowly sliding more than skating with his feet. 

        “This is quite a bit different than sliding in your shoes darling.” Fuyumi called and Shoto growled at her. 

        “I know that,” he snapped, turned and then promptly fell forward onto his hands and knees before Hawks could catch him. To his credit Shoto didn’t make a peep, he simply picked himself back up and began his shuffling step again. Hawks gave Shoto more distance this time and after looping around the cleared area once he seemed confident enough to begin to push off with only his right foot, keeping the majority of his weight on his left skate as he made another tiny circle. By the fifth circle he’d begun to alternate feet, and by the time half an hour had passed he was happily skating around the pond like any other boy his age would be. There were only a few more falls, but even those were becoming less and less common as he gained confidence. 

        Hawks moved to the edge of the pond and had started to do a little sliding of his own, running a few steps and then seeing how far his momentum would carry him. Shoto came over and bumped into his elbow. 

        “Hawks, push me so I can learn to skate backwards.” 

        “Shouldn’t you master forwards first?” 

        "I want to do both, here hold out your hands.” Shoto grabbed Hawks by the wrist and opened his palms to press his small hands against Hawks’ gloved ones. Shoto locked his knees and straightened his shoulders as Hawks began to push him. 

        “Yes! Now take me around the circle, but don’t go too fast.” Shoto instructed. 

        “Shoto, don’t be so bossy.” Fuyumi reprimanded as she watched the scene from the bank. 

        “I’m not!” Shoto argued, then turned to Hawks with another command. “Can you walk more quickly?” Hawks smiled, noticing the determined furrow of Shoto’s brow, even under the large sock hat and bulky scarf. He complied teasingly, alternating the pressure of his hands to make Shoto sway back and forth, starting and stopping quickly. Eventually Shoto grew tired of it and let go. 

        “That’s enough. You’re no help at all.” He complained. Hawks shrugged and left the pond to stand next Fuyumi on the bank. 

        “Has he tired of your assistance already?” 

        “He has thank god, I was becoming exhausted.” Fuyumi laughed and rubbed her hands together. 

        “I know he’ll throw a fit, but we do need to head in soon.” 

        “Master Hawks look!” Shoto yelled from the pond. On the opposite bank stood a deer, head down quietly and pawing at the snow. It startled at Shoto’s yell but did not flee. Shoto grabbed the shovel from the bank and skated out to the edge of his rink to clear more snow. 

        “Shoto, do not clear too deeply.” Hawks warned, but the boy was not listening, instead he was halfway out to the center with the shovel ahead of him resolutely making his road. 

        “Don’t worry,” Fuyumi touched Hawks’ arm. “It’s a shallow pond.” Hawks frowned, he turned just in time to hear a sickening crack echo through the air. Fuyumi gasped and they both turned to see Shoto standing very still in nearly the middle of the pond, shovel in his hand. 

        “Shoto?” Hawks cried, racing to the edge of the pond.

        “M-Master Hawks, the ice, it’s cracked.”

        “Shoto place the shovel down softly and come back towards me.” Hawks instructed. The boy wavered for a second, bending gently to let the handle fall and taking a cautious slide backward on his skate. An errie popping noise cut through the silence. 

        “Master Hawks, I- I’m sorry.” Shoto cried as he heard the ice bend further. He screamed and turned to run, but as he twisted on his skate and fell. The ice broke beneath him and his foot sunk into the pond, blue black water bubbling up around him as his horrified scream pierced the air. 

        Hawks feet were made of lightning as he dashed toward the center then fell onto one side and slid to the opening where Shoto floundered, barely keeping his head above the freezing water. Even as he tried to spread his weight, Hawks’ legs fell into the pond as the ice started to give beneath him.  

        “Shoto, grab onto me, but stop kicking!” Hawks commanded and Shoto complied with a pained whimper. Hawks’ fingers were numbed by the water but he gripped the back of Shoto’s coat and heaved with all his might, pulling the boy up and trying to get him on the solid ice. Of course their added weight caused the piece to crack further and with a mighty crash they both fell in fully. The freezing water burned up to Hawks’ waist, as he began to madly kick his legs in and effort to keep him and Shoto afloat. 

        "Grab the next piece Shoto and crawl!” Hawks instructed his voice wavering as shivers racked his body. Shoto reached forward, tiny gloves scratching and sticking to the icy surface of the pond. Within a few moments he had his upper body on the ice and his bottom out of the water. 

        “Crawl to the bank quickly!” Hawks commanded. “Meet your sister! I’ll be behind you.” Shoto steadily made his way toward the bank where Fuyumi cried for them both. 

        Hawks felt his legs growing tired, his breath coming in shorted punctuated gasps from the cold. Numbness set into his legs and he could hardly tell if he was kicking them anymore. He didn’t dare try to remove himself from the water though, not when Shoto had still not made it safely to the edge, the ice was too unstable, but the longer Hawks waited though, the less energy he had.  

        Hawks watched as Shoto reached the bank and Fuyumi reached for him. He let out a sigh knowing that Shoto was safe and with what little strength he had left braced his arms on the ice and pushed to bring his chest up from the water. He flattened himself to it, cheek sticking to the slippery surface, and panted to catch his breath. He managed to wiggle forward and hike one knee up. Then carefully he moved the other leg and removed himself from the water. 

        “Hawks?” Fuyumi called to him as his vision settled on her form at the bank. She’d stripped Shoto of most of his clothing and wrapped him in her coat. 

        “I’m fine. Take Shoto in and I’ll follow.” Hawks’ throat tasted like blood as he yelled through the winter air. He dragged himself forward until he could get to his hands and knees and then crawled the rest of the way to the bank. A hand reached out for him but it was not who he expected. 

        The gardener’d heard the screams from the back of the house and come running. Hawks was pulled up from the ground just in time to see Enji stomping through the snow toward them, his great coat billowing and unbuttoned, boots untied. He practically fell down the bank of the hill and picked Shoto up from where he sat on the ground like he weighed nothing at all, bundling him into his arms. Shoto’s face nuzzled deeply into his father’s neck as Enji squeezed him tight, looking at Hawks and then the pond in turn before running back to the house. Hawks’ body convulsed in shivers.

        “Take off ya’ coat and gloves.” The gardener instructed, helping Hawks to strip out of his soaked clothing and tossing it to the side before wrapping his coat over his shoulders and assisting him back to the house. 

        Hawks nearly collapsed as they came in the back door near the kitchen. Snow and water covered the floor and he could see the trail that Enji had taken with Shoto before him. Hawks was deposited in a chair by the roaring fire and the cook, Mary, began to accost him, tearing at his shirt and forcing off his shoes and then his pants, giving him a woolen blanket for his shoulders and a hot pot of water underneath his feet. He was nearly too exhausted to take in what happened around him, but he could hear Fuyumi’s crying in the background, and he noticed Enji’s form sitting to his right, with Shoto still cradled in his arms.  

        Shoto’d been stripped of his clothing as Hawks was, and bundled up tightly, although his feet did not reach down into the hot water from where he sat on his father’s lap. His two toned hair was matted underneath his father’s chin and his eyes were closed in fitful exhaustion, with pinked cheeks and blue lips still trembling. 

        “Stupid boy.” Enji grumbled under his breath, squeezing Shoto only tighter in his arms. Shoto turned his nose to his father’s chest as if to hide from his shame. Hawks sighed deeply and relaxed into the chair, closing his eyes and wiggling his toes, as pinpricks of fire raced up and down his feet. 

        “Hawks.” 

        He turned to Enji.

        “There is nothing in this world that could equal the value of my son’s life, but if it is within my power, know that I will grant you whatever you wish to repay this debt.”

        There is no need for that.” Hawks said and Enji growled in reply. 

        “Do not argue with me boy.” 

        “As you wish then Sir.” Hawks smiled wearily. “I’m sure I’ll think of something.”  


	7. Midnight Snack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”   
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, because I'm not sure if I have or not, I intend on trying to continuing updating every Wednesday :)

      Hawks and Shoto were doted upon that evening, their dinner was rich and they were both treated to hot baths before bed. Lessons the next morning were cancelled and instead they lazed around the parlor reading. Shoto took out his harmonica and sat beside his father attempting to play tunes all afternoon. Enji indulged him, although Hawks could tell he was annoyed by the noise. It was hidden underneath the grimace and the sharp glares he sent at everyone else, but Enji loved his son and didn’t mind the attention, now that he had it. Fuyumi would pull Shoto into her lap sporadically throughout the day and hold him tight until he fussed and wiggled away. Somehow in all the commotion Shoto’s ice skates disappeared, which didn’t cause the boy much grief as he was no longer interested in skating. 

      Within a few days life resumed as it should have, and other than a slight head cold Hawks felt as well as he could hope from being dunked in freezing pond water. Sadly, the trauma to his coat was unable to be repaired. He’d ripped the seam out of the shoulder in all of the chaos and the fabric had simply worn too thin to be sewn back together. His gloves were salvaged and washed, but without a coat he didn’t dare to venture outside the house anytime soon.

      The new year celebration came and went without much fuss. Dinner consisted of a well cooked ham and figgy pudding, but somehow Hawks had lost his appetite. His head ached and his throat had begun to constrict. A cough settled into his lungs, so after dinner he excused himself to bed. Even going up the stairs felt exhausting and he cursed his weak constitution. His bedchamber was drafty, the wind from another winter storm railed against the side of the house. Fitfully Hawks buried himself beneath the sheets hoping that a long rest would help to ease the ache in his bones, but instead he only coughed. The hours of the night stretched on as he turned, pilling up the pillows behind his back to breath. It seemed a thankless task, as he was wracked with another fit of coughing, keeping him from the edge of sleep. The room was dark and he could hardly make out the time, but he knew that it must be nearing midnight. 

      He shivered under the covers, wondering if anyone would be awake in the house to lend him more blankets. Then he heard a giggle, high pitched and haunting. He turned his gaze to the door. It sounded like it’d come from outside in the hall. Perhaps there was someone else awake after all. His feet hit the icy floor as he left the comfort of his bed, turning to light a candle and then making his way out to the hall. He looked each direction and found no one. Puzzled again he almost turned and went back inside, but as he was already well awake he decided that a trip down to the kitchen wouldn’t hurt anything and so he continued down the hall and to the stairwell. 

      Alone at night the house was haunting. Shadows from his candle moved up and down the walls, making him feel as though he was being followed. The grandfather clock in the foyer struck midnight just as he reached the landing and he jumped at it’s chime, chastising himself for his overactive imagination and heading to the kitchen at a quicker pace. 

      The fire was low in the hearth but burning enough that Hawks was able to throw on a log or two and stoke it further. He grabbed a kettle from the cupboard, placing his candle on the table and turning to fill it with water. He readied the tea and added honey and sugar to the bottom of his glass, then turned to the breadbox for an extra snack, wiping the thin mask of perspiration off his forehead as he worked. It was as if every foot he moved was a mile. Another cough racked his frame and his hand slipped, knocking a saucer to the ground where it splintered into pieces on the stone floor. 

      “Damn.” He hissed under his breath as he knelt to clean up the mess. 

      “You’re being rather loud, if you’re a thief.” Hawks shot up and searched for the voice, exhaling in relief as Enji stepped through the doorway in his dressing robe. Hawks was about to reply wittily, but another cough cut him off. 

      “Are you ill?” Enji asked as he moved closer to the fire, the light casting shadows off his face and accentuating his severe gaze. 

      “Just a cold.” Hawks replied. As he placed the broken pieces into the waste bin with a sigh. “I can pay you for the plate.” Enji snorted. 

      “No, by all means, break another, three of four more and we can replace that dreaded set.” Hawks smiled and reached into the cupboard for another cup.

      “Would you like some tea as well?” 

      “I suppose.” Enji turned to the pantry, pulling out what was left of the cherry pie and grabbing himself a fork. 

      “So you do have a sweet tooth?” Hawks teased. The kettle whistled and he took it off the fire, pouring it into the glasses and adding the leaves. “Shoto’s threats were not simply in jest.”

      Enji frowned at him, but made no reply and instead took a massive bite of the pie, chewing loudly, then reached for the teacup. Hawks stirred his tea with a spoon and edged himself closer to the fire, enjoying it’s warmth and breathing in the steam. 

      At any other time Hawks would have been anxious to be in such close quarters with Enji, but after all that’d happened recently, he’d begun to fear the man less and relish their time together. Although their interludes were odd and Enji acted stiffly, Hawks had been able to feel out more of his character. In fact, if he was being truthful, he’d started to nurse a bit of affection for his dour employer. 

      “If you want to quell that cough you should mix in some sherry.” Enji observed, sitting the empty pie plate down on the table. Hawks hummed and sipped his tea, letting it soothe his aching throat. Enji walked over the the cabinet and pulled out a bottle, uncorking it and holding out his hand for Hawks’ cup. Hawks obliged him. It soured the taste of his tea but after a few sips his throat did begin to feel better. 

      “Thank you.” Hawks paused, “Sir, if I may ask, why are you up at this hour?” 

      “Restlessness I suppose.” Enji strode back to the cabinet and replaced the bottle with a sigh. “I’m rarely away from my business this long.” Hawks frowned. 

      “Even during the holidays?” Enji snorted, as if Hawks should already have thorough knowledge of his schedule, despite their short acquaintance. 

      “Last year, I was in Paris when Shoto opened his presents, the year before Nice.” Hawks didn’t ask why Enji chose to miss two Christmases in a row, but his heart ached a bit for Shoto.  

      “Is that why Shoto has a penchant for France?” Hawks asked. Enji paced in front of the fireplace restlessly.

      “I told him that if he learns the language he can travel with me. Of course he’s still far too young for it.” 

      “He’s blessed to have a father that takes such interest in him.” Hawks chirped as the other man laughed lowly, rubbing the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. 

      “Only you would see it in that way. Shoto believes I avoid him, and maybe he’s right. I’ve never been good with children. I don’t know what they want from me.” 

      “I think Shoto would be happy to simply stay in your presence.” Hawks replied softly. Enji turned, the light from the fireplace casting a dark shadow over only half his face. It was not flattering light to be observed in. He looked haunting, severe, frightening, with his crimson hair glowing orange, as if he himself were aflame. 

      “And what of your father Hawks, where you happy in his presence?” Hawks swallowed thickly, well aware of the pit of emptiness that question brought to light inside of him. 

      “I never knew my father Sir.” Enji winced, and seemed to stumble for a bit on his words. 

      “Of course, I’m sorry-”

      “Where you, Sir?” Hawks recovered quickly. 

      “No,” Enji replied. “My father was a strict and unforgiving man. A man that I never wanted to be, but I fear now I might have become.” He chuckled grimly and finished off what was left of his teacup, setting it on the table. “Be careful in your future boy, being a father is no simple matter.” Hawks coughed into his sleeve and shook his head solemnly. 

      “There are other pursuits for me besides fatherhood.” The other man squinted at him, but it was hard to read his face in the dimmed light. Hawks felt himself becoming suddenly shy, this conversation was too intimate. Perhaps it was the hour, or just the familiarity induced when sharing a fire, maybe it was the sherry in his tea. “I think I shall retire for the night.” Hawks muttered, side stepping Enji’s bulk to make his way out of the kitchen. “Sleep well.” 

      “Goodnight Hawks.” Enji remained in the kitchen, staring at the dwindling fire as Hawks turned down the hall and made his way back up the stairs. He was just barely up the flight when he realized he’d forgotten his candle. With a quiet curse he turned to run back down the hall and fetch it. He turned a corner and bowled straight into Enji’s solid chest. 

      “Gah!” Hawks yelped and jumped back into the wall hitting his head on the frame. Enji yanked Hawks forward by his arm and placed the lit candle back into his hand. 

      “I suppose this belongs to you then?” Enji looked down at him grumpily, his arm still resting tightly on Hawk's own. With as closely as they stood Hawks needed to tilt his chin to look Enji in the eyes. He felt utterly dwarfed by the other man. Hawks felt his face flushing red and was glad that the darkness kept his expression hidden. 

      “Yes- Sorry. I- um. Thank you again Sir, goodnight!” He pulled back from Enji, his skin almost stinging with the loss of contact and rushed back up the stairs with renewed energy, heart beating rapidly in his chest and lungs burning as he reached his hall and rushed down it to his room. His embarrassment and his urge to crawl beneath the covers and finally rest propelled him forward. He flung open his door and pushed it shut behind him, turning into the room to find a disturbing scene. 

      His desk drawers were pulled out, every last one of them, papers riffled through and every last bit of his organization destroyed. He sat the candle down in wonder and saw that his wardrobe doors had also been opened and then hastily shut. Someone had been in here, in only the thirty minutes or so that he had been downstairs. Goosebumps broke out along his back as he remembered the haunting giggle that had come out of the dark before he’d exited his room. 

      Surely, it had to have been a nosy maid? But why? That was the real question. Who within this house could possibly care to snoop through his things. He had no fortune, no family heirlooms, nothing worth stealing, and besides it looked like nothing had been taken. 

      Hawks stomach dropped as he turned back to the door and locked it. He stood against it scanning the room, looking for anything else out of place. It was a rather small chamber, there was nowhere for someone to hide, unless they were to fit themselves under the bed.

      Hawks looked at the pitch black shadow that breathed just below the bed skirt. All at once he wanted to turn, unlock the door, and rush out screaming. What if the culprit had entered the room and remained in wait for Hawks to return and go to sleep? In a fit of childishness Hawks wondered if Enji would assent to checking under his bed frame for him, but that seemed unlikely. Bracing himself, Hawks knelt by the door and ducked down, placing his head against the rug and squinting into the blackness. 

      Only a sense of embarrassed relief stared back at him. Hawks felt his heartbeat slowly returning to normal. With a frown he took quick steps back to his desk and began to adjust his things back in order. Then, in a weary fevered state he crawled back to his bed and fell into a restless sleep. 

      The next morning as he woke he noticed his door was once again open, and he told himself with growing worry that he’d not locked it the night before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like at this point it's become blatantly obvious what is going on to those of you who have read the book, but for everyone else. Who do you think broke into Hawk's room? 
> 
> :)


	8. Illness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “His presence in a room was more cheering than the brightest fire.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      "Master Hawks?” Shoto looked up from his book with great concern. “Are you sure you’re well?” Hawks rubbed his eyes and nodded. He’d felt weak all morning, but he’d blamed it on his lack of sleep and the growing paranoia that someone in the house was stalking him. 

      “I’ll be better when you tend to your studies and finish that page.” Hawks replied, taking out his handkerchief and coughing harshly. He folded it in half so Shoto wouldn’t see the blood. 

      “I think you should call the doctor.” Shoto jumped from his seat and ran to Hawks’ side pressing his tiny hand to Hawks’ brow and grimacing. “You’re running a fever.”

      “You’re just trying to get out of your lesson.” Hawks replied with a smirk. Shoto solemnly shook his head. 

      “No Sir. I promise to study twice as hard if you will rest today.” Hawks smiled at Shoto’s attempts to care for him. It was actually quite sweet, and if Hawks was being honest with himself he had been feeling rather poorly. The pressure in his head was getting worse, but as long as he moved slowly and didn’t overexert himself he felt he could continue with his work. 

      “I am quite able to rest here Shoto, don’t worry.” Shoto glared at him suspiciously and went back to his papers, but their lessons suffered. Try as he might Hawks could not seem to get three words out before he was wracked with another fit of coughing. He’d almost lost his voice by mid afternoon and when Fuyumi came up with lunch to the library she remarked on his coloring. 

      “Your face looks sallow. I really do think that you should rest. I can take over Shoto’s lessons for just the afternoon.” 

      Hawks meant to refuse, to persist that he was well enough to continue, but sleep sounded glorious and so he assented. He made his way back to his room wearily, his head spinning. Of course he’d less to fear in mid afternoon than he’d had the night before, but he was still worried that some stranger would come upon him intending to do him harm in his sleep. 

      He fell into his bed, barely kicking off his shoes before his exhaustion claimed him, but it was not a calm sleep. He dreamt of a faceless figure leering over his bed, watching him. Then he dreamed of Brentwood, burnt porridge, and beatings. He awoke at last, confused and sweating, to a knock on his door. 

      “Dinner is served Master Hawks.” It was the maid. Hawks turned to look at his clock and realized it was six in the evening. He’d been asleep for five hours. With a groan he pushed himself from the bed and washed his face in the basin. Straightening his shirt, he made his way to the door and down to the dining room. 

      “Master Hawks, are you feeling better?” Shoto asked from his seat, as the other Todorokis turned to observe him entering the dining room. Hawks smiled stiffly. 

      “Yes, thank you Shoto. The rest did me well.” 

      “You don’t look well.” Enji furrowed his brow, shaking his napkin brusquely before placing it in his lap. Hawks had no reply. He was too tired to even take the poorly worded statement to heart. Instead he turned his attention to his plate and tried to stomach his meal as best he could. Every bite scraped painfully through his throat as he swallowed, and so he subsisted mostly on soup broth and mashed potatoes. He drank glass after glass of water as if he was dying of thirst, and let the staff take his plate away half finished as dinner ended, hoping only for the opportunity to once again sleep peacefully. 

      “Hawks, join me in the parlor.” Enji commanded as the plates were cleared from the table. Hawks nodded stiffly, too tired to argue, as he pushed back from the table and followed his employer down the hall. He entered the parlor and collapsed on the couch into a heap. Enji looked over his shoulder with a glare. 

      “You seem tired for someone who slept through most of the afternoon.” He squinted at Hawks as he poured himself a finger of whiskey. “What no quippy reply?” 

      Hawks shook his head, the room spun and so he closed his eyes quickly, sinking his face into his hands to stop the earthquake in his brain. 

      He heard Enji sit the glass back down on the table and startled as Enji sat beside him and grabbed his wrist, checking his pulse. Hawks was too tired to pull away from their proximity or Enji’s familiarness as he was manhandled. Enji grabbed Hawks by the back of the neck and turned his face up. 

      “Look at me.” He insisted and Hawks complied, letting the ice blue eyes study him as he felt his face flame under the attention. “Your pulse is rapid, and you’re obviously feverish, possibly dehydrated.” Enji placed the back of his hand on Hawks’ forehead and he unconsciously closed his eyes relishing in the cool touch of the other man’s hand. “You need a doctor.” It was an odd echo of Shoto’s innocent concern from this morning in the library. 

      “No please, you needn’t bother.” Hawks’ eyes opened as he grabbed Enji’s wrist. “I’ll be fine I swear.” 

      “Hawks.” Enji soothed, voice strict but sincere. “I’ll not have you dying under my roof. This is no common illness.” Hawks opened his mouth to protest but before he could another fit of coughing captured him. He covered his mouth with his hand, unable to reach his handkerchief in time, and when he pulled it away it was red with his blood. Enji’s eyes widened in shock. 

      “Upstairs with you and to bed, now.” There was no arguing with that tone. Hawks obliged, rising from the couch in a near panic to comply. He took three steps toward the door and then swayed as the earth tilted under his feet. Enji grabbed his elbow to steady him. 

      There was a loud ringing noise in Hawks’ ears and it seemed to blot out everything else around them. He could not hear the fire, or whatever Enji had tried to say, only his own heartbeat. Everything else sounded terribly far away, like he was underwater, swimming through a cloudy lagoon.  Then his knees gave way and he almost crumpled to the floor. 

      “Damn it all.” Enji hissed behind him. “Hawks?” Hawks couldn’t reply, purple spots broke out in his vision, blotting out the world from his view almost entirely as if he were looking through a dark tunnel. 

      Hawks felt strong arms around him and then suddenly he was lifted up and bundled into a solid chest. His eyes rolled back into darkness as he heard more muted cursing and then everything was quiet. 

 

      When Hawks awoke again he was back in his bedroom. It was low lit with candles and there was a man he didn’t recognize seated at his bedside. He struggled to bring himself to sit up but the strange man pushed him back.

      “Rest now.” He insisted, and Hawks frowned. He opened his mouth to retort, but was cut off. 

      “Save your breath Hawks, he’s a doctor, and there’ll be no arguing.” 

      The doctor’s face crinkled into a smile as he removed his stethoscope from a brown leather satchel and placed it to Hawk’s chest. The metal was cold and he shivered involuntarily. 

      “You said he fell into a pond last week?” Enji snorted and pulled a hand down his face, pacing by the door. 

      “Him and my son both.” The doctor tsked and moved the stethoscope to the other side of Hawks’ chest. 

      “Breathe in deeply again.” Hawks did as was instructed, his breath rattling. 

      “It’s settled deep in his lungs. Might be pneumonia,” the doctor frowned. “Bedrest and plenty of steam, it would help if he could be percussed daily.” The old man looked around the room. “Can he be moved to somewhere with a fireplace, the draft in here will not help him.” 

      “Of course, there are other rooms.” Enji replied quickly, a bit flustered. 

      “Good,” The doctor smiled back at Hawks. “Lift up your chin son.” His wrinkled fingers reached to feel the bottom of Hawk’s neck gently prodding at him. “Does it hurt here too?” Hawks nodded. “I see. He should drink honey in his tea and gargle with lemon and salt water three times daily. Broths and soft foods until the soreness goes away.” He pulled a small bottle from his bag and handed it to Enji. “Three drops of this in a cup of water before bed to help him sleep.” 

      “Thank you doctor.” The man nodded and rose from the bedside chair. Enji shook his hand and walked him back out the hall. 

      Hawks laid in the bed still a bit confused as to what time it was or where he was. He shifted under the blankets and noticed he was in his nightgown. How had that happened? Hawks blanched and scanned the room, noticing his clothing was strewn over his desk chair. The last thing he remembered he was in the parlor with Enji… He covered his mouth with a hand and fell back on the pillows in embarrassment. Shame coated him like syrup, to think that he had been this much of a burden. He wanted to die. 

      A tickle erupted in the back of his throat and he covered his mouth with a hand, wondering where his handkerchief had gone. He fumbled for it on the table as his lungs ached. Perhaps he would die. He certainly felt like death. It was hard for him to remember ever being this sick before. 

      Footsteps came again outside his door and it swung open after a brief knock. Enji appeared in the room, this time bringing a pitcher of water and a glass. Hawks turned his face into the pillow. 

      “The maids are making up another room closer to the center of the house.” Enji reported as he sat down the pitcher. “We will have you moved shortly.” 

      “I hate to trouble you so late in the evening.” Hawks began weakly. 

      “I’d rather be troubled with your illness now, than be burdened with your death later. It’s too hard to find governors this time of the year.” Enji replied slyly and Hawks grinned from his pillow a weak laugh creaking out of him. Perhaps it was the delirium of the fever but the older man seemed to look at Hawks with a tenderness that made his heart squeeze in his chest. He’d rarely in his life seen anyone look at him that way. 

      There was a knock at the door behind them and Sue appeared with a dressing gown in her hands. 

      “I’ve found it Sir, where you said it would be.” She took a few steps into the room and placed it on the bed. “The other room is ready, the fire’s been stoked and the bed has fresh linens. Shall I ask for Mark’s assistance?” She asked demurely. 

      “No, that will not be necessary.” 

      She bowed, “As you wish Sir,” then exited the room. Hawks looked at the golden dressing gown. It was similar to the one that he’d seen Enji wearing in the kitchen the other night, but obviously made for someone smaller.  The older man lifted it up and shook it out gesturing for Hawks to sit up in the bed. Hawks shuffled himself up from the sheets, dizziness hitting him as he changed his position. 

      “This should do for now.” Enji muttered as he assisted Hawks in donning the garment. It was only a little large in the sleeves and shoulders, but otherwise worked well for its purpose. Enji grabbed Hawk's arm and set to rolling up each sleeve carefully, almost tenderly so that his hands were not impeded by its bulk. 

      “Can you stand?” Hawks nodded and grabbed the bedpost as he rose, bare feet touching the floor as his legs shook. 

      “I see.” Enji sighed and with little grace or effort whisked Hawks up into his arms again. Hawks squawked and clutched at his neck. 

      “You don’t have to-”

      “Hush bird, it’s only down the hall.” Hawks relaxed and relented, letting the waves of fatigue wash over him as he was carried to a bedroom nearer the stairs. Enji pushed open the door with his foot and took Hawks to the bed, sitting him down gently and lifting the covers so he could situate himself beneath them. 

      Hawks couldn’t stop the shudders that wracked his body at the sudden temperature change. He bit his bottom lip bloody trying to quell the shaking as he observed his new surroundings. The room was larger than his own. To his left there was a heavy drapery that covered a set of grand windows. The bed was immense, enough for three of Hawks to lay in it comfortably. It had an ornate canopy with deep purple curtains tied at the four posts of the bed by braided ropes, so they could be pulled around for privacy. 

      A majestic fireplace was in his front view, with a fire roaring in the hearth so hearty he could practically feel it’s heat upon his face. Beside the fire there was a large iron pot of water boiling, steam pouring up from it and into the room, and it smelled fragrant, like someone had sweetened it with oils and herbs. His vision blurred as he turned to the open door. Enji had gone and returned with the water pitcher and his medication. 

      He pulled a chair to Hawks’ bedside and mixed the medication into a small glass then held it out to him. 

      “Drink.” Hawks complied, it tasted bitter. Enji took back the glass when he was finished and relaxed himself in the chair. 

      “Try to sleep.” He commanded softly. Hawks nodded, head falling heavily on the pillow and his gaze dropping. 

      In the wan yellow orange light of the fire he studied the rug beneath Enji’s chair. His eyes burned with fever, and his tongue felt dry and hot in his mouth. His gaze rose to the bedside table and tried to focus on the label of the small blue bottle, but he could not make out the writing at the distance. It felt like there was a lead weight on his chest pressing him down further and further into the starched cotton. A panic seized him just as he was about to close his eyes, that he may fall asleep and never wake again. Within that instant of terror he lost his pride and reached out his hand from the covers to grasp the air between them, a whimper tearing from his lips. 

      Enji leaned forward to grab Hawk’s thin fingers and place them back down on his stomach gently. 

      “Sleep, silly bird. I’ll be here if you wake.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this a day early or 11 hours early, or whatever. Enjoy, lol and thank you for reading!


	9. Debate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Every atom of your flesh is as dear to me as my own: in pain and sickness it would still be dear.”   
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      As it seemed with most things in Hawks’ life, his illness got worse before it got better. The next two days were filled with fever and delirium. He could scarcely eat what was presented to him and he slept for most of the day. They pressed wet cloths to his head and neck, his wrists and his thighs in an attempt to bring down the fever, but it roared to life within him. The medication bought him a few brief hours of comfort but he inevitably woke in the dead of night to a crackling fireplace and Enji sitting at his bedside. The older man kept watch as he’d promised, looking more disheveled as time went on. Sometimes Hawks would wake from a fit of coughing and catch the other sleeping in a chair beside the bed, other times he woke to being watched carefully by penetrating blue eyes. 

      He was too ill to contemplate why this man was always by his bedside, the last person in the house who should be given such a taxing duty, but secretly Hawks was glad to have him. He would rather it be Enji than Fuyumi or another from the house staff. Enji’s firm, no-nonsense commands were easy for Hawks to follow and the deep rumble of his voice was soothing for his nerves.  

      Each morning and then again mid afternoon he was percussed, rolled onto his stomach in the bed and hit firmly on the back in an attempt to loosen the fluid from his lungs. He would cough productively for a good half hour afterwards and then drift back into an exhausted oblivion. Enji’s hands were large and Hawks began to savor the contact, even though the act brought some discomfort. 

      When Hawks finally felt well enough to sit up in bed he asked for books. His mind had cleared enough for coherent thought at last. He’d been interested in philosophy lately, and as such had requested several articles that ended up strewn across his coverlet and over the adjacent pillow. These type of writings were never available to him at BrentWood. He read until the fever burned his eyes too badly for him to see, then closed them and argued points in his head. 

      “What are you mumbling about now bird?” Enji reclaimed his watch post, reclining in the nearest chair, arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face. 

      “The social contract.” Hawks replied. Enji snorted. Hawks held up a pamphlet. “I assume you’ve read this, since it came from your library.” Enji raised an eyebrow. 

      “I am not the  _ only _ one who reads in this house.” He grabbed the paper from Hawks and glared at it before tossing it back to the bed. “Perhaps I have read that drivel, what of it?” Hawks turned to the side, pulling off his reading glasses and placing them on the dresser. 

      “Well, I'd like to know where you stand in the argument?” The older man huffed out a brief laugh.  

      “So you’re looking for a debate?”

      “I’d rather call it a discussion.” 

      “I can tell even now that we will oppose each other.” 

      “Are you already so sure?” Hawks challenged.

      “You’ve given yourself away, passing me Locke’s work first.” 

      “So you would side with Hobbes then?” Enji sighed wearily and rubbed a hand over his eyes.

      “I’m too old to view the world in rose colored glasses. Men are just like any other animal and if left to themselves will cause war and unrest.” 

      “And thus the need for the monarchy?” Hawks prompted.

      “That is the natural conclusion. Yes.” Enji sat back in his chair, his lips pressing together thoughtfully before he continued. “Society has forever been held together by the guiding hand of those in power.” Hawks rolled his eyes. 

      “Yes, but that power has always been gained through war.”

      “You’re proving my point.” Enji smiled. Hawks knew that the inevitability of war was the strongest part of the opposing argument. He'd heard it many times before, that man was cruel and predisposed to violence unless he was checked by authority to keep him from his basest natures, but Hawks still protested.

      “No- no I’m not. If man were not forced to fight for his rights, if we could come together and form a government-”

      “Like in America?”

      “Well- yes. Exactly. A properly educated and tended populace will always choose more capable and just leaders better than the lottery of noble birth. Power wielded through bureaucracy will be more cumbersome but the high highs of the monarchy do not negate the unjust low lows it inevitably deals.”

      “You speak in unproven and untested idealism. A society is best to invest it’s resources carefully cultivating the education and rearing of a select few  in charge , to guard against an ignorant majority acting against its own self interest.”

      “The majority is only kept ignorant by the stratification of society. If I had been afforded what those above my station have-” Hawks cut himself off. His own life was not to be made an example. Taking a deep breath he resumed. “I believe that what Locke said is true, that people by their nature are good and able to learn from their experiences. We can govern ourselves, if given the chance.” 

      “Man was given the chance at his birth, and so modern society has adopted the method which suits us best, the monarchy.  Man, on average, needs to fear stepping out of his place lest the social order be upset for everyone. Hobbes had the right of it, for a man to be a true leader he must not fear retribution from his lessers for acts taken on their account.”

      “So what of France and their monarchy. Did that work well for its people?”  Enji sat frowning silently, as Hawks stared him down from the bed. 

      “France’s monarchy was poisoned with poor decisions.” Hawks raised his arms. 

      “Or perhaps it is the natural evolution of government, perhaps the populous will always rebel against a monarchy until they can achieve a democracy, which is the natural state in which man is made to govern himself.”

      Enji chuckled deeply and sat back in his chair raking a hand down his face. 

      “And then the democracy will be taken over by the monarchy again, or become a military state. Perhaps there is simply no true balance when men are forced to live among each other.”

      “But man is dependent on each other.  We’re clearly social by birth, none of us survives well locked off on our own.” Hawks protested. 

      “I don’t mind it that much.” Enji replied, almost to himself.

      Then you judge your own nature even more poorly than Hobbes does.” Hawks said, shifting slightly on the bed, cheeks red in his candor. Enji raised an eyebrow in surprise.

      “I judge my nature, and that of man far better than you, for I have had another twenty years to see the evil in this world and know that it rarely ever changes.” Hawks crossed his arms and wrinkled his brow. 

      “You cannot pull my youth into every debate to prove your points.” He protested.  

      “Ah, so it is a debate now, I thought we were simply having a discussion.” 

      Hawks opened his mouth and then closed it promptly. Enji chuckled lightly and rose from his chair to approach the bed. 

      “You cannot hide such fierce competition from me when you are well, this is the best sport I’ve had since my injury and it’s from a man three steps from the grave.” As if to make his point Hawks was suddenly taken by a fit of coughing, and Enji’s smile disappeared. “You should be resting.” Enji stated tersely, and began to clear the pamphlets and books from the bed, piling them on the night table. Hawks reached out to grab his wrist.

      “Leave me one.” Enji frowned and begrudgingly allowed Hawks to keep one book, placing the others in a stack on the table.  

      “Thank you.” Hawks held the book to his chest as he reclined on the pillows. Enji shook his head, but said nothing as he seated himself back in his chair and watched Hawks promptly fall asleep. 

 

      On the morning of the fourth day of his bedrest Hawks’ fever broke. He soaked through his bedclothes and the linens. His pillowcase was swampy and he didn’t dare to think of how badly his hair must look by this time. In lieu of this a small tub was brought in and placed by the fire and Hawks was assisted to a stool so that he could wash himself and give the staff opportunity to change the bedclothes. He sunk his feet into the water of the tub with a sigh. 

      “Here.” Hawks reached for the wet cloth proffered by Enji, and shuttered as he pressed it to his face. It was heaven, the steam and warmth of the water washing over his pores. He began to scrub behind his ears and down his neck, relishing in the feeling of cleanliness and the crisp chill of the water on his skin. He sat down the rag and reached back to pull his bed clothes over his head. 

      Hawks knew that he shouldn’t be self-conscious, after all they were both men and he was ill, and Enji was only there to be sure he didn’t require any additional assistance, but he couldn’t help the shame that curled in his stomach at the other man seeing his emaciated body. 

      Hawks had never been very healthy to begin with. He was naturally slight, something which he wished to change, but had never had the opportunity to do with his puritanical upbringing. The regular hearty meals that he enjoyed during these past few months of employment had helped to add some meat to his frame, but after his illness it seemed that all of his progress had been lost, and again he consisted of nothing but skin and bone. 

      He pulled his top over his head and let it set in his lap as he quickly washed his arms and chest.

      “Enjoying your bird bath?” Enji quipped. Hawks laughed as he rung out the rag. 

      “It’s sufficient for now.” 

      The room was overly warm from the fire, but the simple effort of washing himself had left Hawks’ limbs a shaky mess. 

      “Turn around.” Enji instructed and Hawks obeyed unthinkingly as the older man began to wash his back. The cloth felt heavenly along his spine as Enji pulled it down to the small of his back and then up over his shoulder blades. His large warm hands made Hawks’ skin crawl with pleasure as goosebumps broke out along his arms.  He was lost in the feeling of being cared for, treated well, like he was treasured and loved for the first time in his life. It pushed all other thoughts and precaution from his mind, until Enji's voice split the silence like a knife. 

      “These marks on you…” Hawks stiffened under the cloth as the other man’s movements slowed. 

      “Forget them.” He turned suddenly snatching the cloth from Enji’s hands rudely and tossing it back into the basin. No amount of healing could hide the marks that were laid between his should blades by Mr. Gravestone. He glanced up to view wide blue eyes looking at him pityingly. The last thing he wanted from this man was pity. Hawks didn't want to be seen as weak, as someone who needed to be saved or coddled. He'd done everything in his life on his own, with his mettle- until now. 

      “Hawks-” Enji pressed. 

      “You should not have seen them.” Hawks snapped, then grabbed a clean set of bedclothes with a huff, in haste to cover himself again. It was another oddly sized garment made for another man, with excess length in the sleeves and shoulders. Enji stood to his side frowning while holding his tongue. 

      “Whose clothes are these you keep giving me?” Hawks asked as he fumbled the shirt on with an accusatory snap.

      “They belonged to my son.” Enji replied. 

      “Belonged?” 

      “He left them and I doubt he’ll return to claim them.” The older man turned and began to clean pick up the dirty laundry, tidying the room as he went and finally walking over to the great curtains to pull them back from the window. Sunlight erupted into the room, almost blinding Hawks with it’s glow. He blinked and in a few minutes his vision had adjusted and he could see outside. The world was still covered in a sheet of white, with a treeline in the distance and the lane just barely visible. 

      “When did he leave?” Hawks pestered further, watching as the older man’s displeasure grew.

      “Years ago.” Enji huffed and turned back to Hawks. “It sounds like you’re feeling better.” Hawks took stock of himself. He did feel better, but still weak. His lungs still felt heavy, but the bath had reinvigorated him. 

      “The bath helped.” Hawks supplied. 

      “Good.” Enji looked a bit uncomfortable. “I-” He stopped reaching one hand out like he was grasping for the words, and then letting it drop back to his side in silence. Hawks swallowed the lump in his throat waiting for Enji to say something, anything. “Let me help you.” He eventually muttered, taking swift steps toward Hawks who startled on the stool. 

      Enji held both hands open and Hawks tentatively took them. The older man had palms like dinner plates, it made Hawks feel like a child.  He stood from the stool, leaning as little of his weight as he could manage on Enji and shuffled his feet in small steps back to the bed. He was determined to not look as weak as he felt, but he let out a heavy sigh of relief when he was finally able to fall back against the pillows. 

      “I feel like I should rest now, Sir.” Hawks stared resolutely at the coverlet. Enji looked like he wanted to say something else, but he instead turned to make his way out of the room.

      “As you wish.” Enji nodded and then left. He did not return to check on Hawks that afternoon again, and when dinner was done it was Fuyumi instead to came to grab his tray. 

      “You’re looking much better.” She commented, clearing away the dinner to a side table and settling herself in a chair. “We were worried about you for a while.” Hawks smiled weakly. 

      “I was worried about me too, but I’ve been cared for here better than I ever have in my life anywhere else. Your family has saved me.” Fuyumi’s eyes twinkled.

      “It is our Christian duty to care for others in need.” She smiled. “It’s been quite the effort keeping Shoto away from your chamber. He’s been worried almost sick as father.” Hawks blushed and looked at his knees. 

      “Your father has gone too far out of his way for my sake.” 

      “Well you did give us quite the fright. You were at death's’ door for a bit. You have to know by now all of that gruffness is just a bluff. He really is quite kind hearted.” 

      “I hate to have been a burden.” Hawks replied. Fuyumi patted his knee fondly as she rose. 

      “Acts committed in the service of love are never a burden.” She made her way to the door and turned. “Try to get some sleep, Father will not be here tonight but ring the bell at your table and if you need anything Sue will fetch it for you.” Hawk’s heart sunk at the news but he tried to keep his feelings from his face. 

      “Of course. Thank you Fuyumi.” She nodded and left him in peace.

 

      Hawks glared at the small bell that sat on the side table. It’s presence and the absence of Enji had soured his evening, but it was his own fault, at least that’s what Hawks had been telling himself. He hadn’t meant to snap at the older man earlier, but he’d been caught off guard, already tense from the entire situation. Hawks sighed heavily and turned in the bed to gaze out the window. He had a pleasant view of the darkened night sky. The fire was dying and it was too dim for him to do anything but lay around and think, which was the last thing Hawks wanted to do. His psyche ached with guilt and his heart thudded in his chest with worry. He’d been spoiled by the attention he couldn’t hope to continue receiving and it ate at him.  

      It was likely all for the better though. He knew that Enji never planned to stay this long, and that he would inevitably leave. He probably would have already left if Hawks hadn’t been this ill. He laughed at himself cruelty. He wished he could rip his heart from his chest, this silly infatuation needed to be killed at the root. Hawks was selfish to even entertain the thought, selfish and delusional. He chuckled, turning to bury his face in the pillow and squeezing his eyes shut in protest to the world. 

      In time Hawks fell asleep and he slept until the fire turned to only embers and the room began to grow cold. What stirred him next was the sound of shuffling, light soft footsteps that seemed to come from near the foot of his bed. His mind told him that it must be someone checking on him, a servant come to tend the fire or be sure that he was sleeping well, so he didn’t stir himself fully just barely cracked an eye to peep and see who it was. He saw a woman with white hair in the shadows of the room and relaxed. It was simply Fuyumi, which was odd perhaps, but she’d been so concerned for him earlier in the evening he didn’t think it too odd that she would check on him. 

      He closed his eyes again, not wanting to be caught awake and waited for her to leave. He felt her presence near the beside, the shuffling of her feet stilling as she stood near his pillow. A coldness swept through him as he waited for her to turn and leave, unable to relax while he was being examined by her gaze. In a few minutes time she turned and quit the room, without ever a word being spoken. 

      Hawks broke out into a cold sweat, but it was not from his illness. He felt chilled to the bone and unsettled by her eerie observation of him.  He buried himself further under the sheets and turned to watch the door. 


	10. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”   
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks felt well enough to finally dress himself in normal attire and slowly descend the steps to eat breakfast with the rest of the family. He found the table oddly empty though, as Enji was nowhere to be seen. 

      “Hawks!” Shoto pushed out of his chair and ran to give him a hug, which Hawks gladly accepted, before Fuyumi cleared her throat and Hawks let Shoto scamper back to his seat to continue his breakfast. 

      “It’s good to see you feel well enough to come downstairs.” She added, as she poured a bit of cream into her coffee. 

      “It was time for me to get out of that bed.” Hawks replied with a smile. He scanned the head of the table, noting the empty place setting once again. “Is your Father still out?” Fuyumi pursed her lips. 

      “It seems that he’s gone back to France.” She stated with a regretful glance at Hawks. Suddenly Hawks felt quite sick again. 

      “I-I see. I’m surprised he didn’t mention it earlier.” Hawks bit the inside of his cheek and turned his head back to his plate. 

      “It’s not the first time he’s left in a hurry.” Fuyumi replied in consolation. Shoto met Hawks’ gaze from across the table. 

      “I told you he was mean.” 

      “Shoto!” Fuyumi snapped, turning and knocking over her tea in the process. “ _ Damn _ -” She hissed and then covered her mouth with her hand as the threw her napkin over the mess. “Excuse me.” She pushed her chair back from the table and quickly left the dining room. Shoto looked up from his plate solemnly. 

      “Does this mean we have lessons today?” 

      “Of course we have lessons today.” Hawks replied with a sigh. “Now eat your breakfast.” Shoto turned back to his plate with a contrite nod while Hawks stirred his food around. 

      It wasn’t as if he’d expected Enji to stay forever, but to just leave so suddenly without any warning, Hawks felt like he was at least owed a goodbye by this time. Maybe he was wrong to assume so much. Perhaps all of the care that Enji had given him was simply in repayment for saving Shoto. Of course it was, Hawks would be silly and naive to entertain it as anything else. He ate the rest of his breakfast soberly, chewing each bite until it felt like sand on his tongue and swallowing it spitefully. 

      He was winded by it, but Hawks made his way up to the library after breakfast. He and Shoto worked tirelessly until lunch and Hawks was pleased to find that even without his guidance Shoto had kept up well enough with his studies on his own. They had just sat back down again to review their French when Shoto abruptly put his book down and sighed into his hand. 

      “When do you think Father will come back?” Hawks looked at him over his glasses. 

      “I don’t know Shoto, how long is he usually gone for?” 

      “Months. It always seems like forever.” Shoto pouted and crossed his arms staring out the window. 

      “I thought you were glad that he’d left?” Shoto raised one small shoulder in half a shrug as his bottom lip began to tremble. 

      “I- I am glad. I didn’t say I wasn’t glad. I wish that he’d never come home in the first place.” The boy blinked rapidly, tears appearing at the corners of his two toned eyes. 

      “It’s okay to miss your father Shoto.” Hawks said softly. 

      “I don’t miss him.” Shoto protested shaking his head from side to side stubbornly, even as a few tears escaped to fall down his cheek. 

      “Come here.” Hawks opened his arms as Shoto slid off his chair and reluctantly came to stand by Hawks. When he was in reach Hawks grabbed him by the elbows and pulled him into his chest in a tight hug, allowing Shoto to bury his wet face into Hawks’ neck and wrap his small arms around him. “It’s okay to be sad Shoto.” Shoto hiccuped into the edge of Hawk’s collar. 

      “I’m not sad, I’m angry.” Hawks held him tighter. 

      “It’s okay to be that too.” He replied steadily. 

 

      Within the week what was left of the snow melted, turning the world around the manor into a bleak brown marsh. The trees swayed against the howling winds, naked branches dancing against the cloudy grey skies. Night fell early and dawn was always late. There were no more Christmas songs to play at the piano and Shoto left his silver harmonica untouched in it’s box, bringing an eerie lifeless silence to the house that made it even more haunting.   

      Hawks deposited his books of philosophy back into the library, and looked for something else to distract him. He found himself drawn to a small section of French works, that had obviously been brought back home by Enji. He pulled out a copy of Candide and almost laughed. He scanned for another work of fiction and came upon Beauty and the Beast. With a smile Hawks pulled the book from it’s shelf and lovingly observed the cover. He’d heard the tale many times, but never read it in French. He decided he would read through it before seeing if it was appropriate for Shoto to try. It would be good for him to begin working on translations soon. 

      He brought the book back with him to his old room, which he moved back into after his illness ended. It’s smaller size put him more at ease, making him feel safer on the bed that didn’t swallow him whole. He also seemed to sleep better if he couldn’t stare at the empty chair that Enji’d occupied for so many nights at his bedside. Hawks never asked Fuyumi about her odd observation of him while he was sleeping. At this point it was too long afterwards to even broach the subject, but Hawks was still unsettled by it. 

      So, for his own peace of mind, he began not only locking his door, but also placing a chair under the handle to be sure that it could not be swung inward by anyone who may have a key. Part of him was ashamed of his paranoia, but his wild imagination would not be put at ease in any other way, and continuing to lose sleep would help no one. 

 

      “We’re heading into town today Hawks,” Fuyumi reported the next Tuesday at breakfast. “Shoto needs some new clothes, and seems to have outgrown his shoes at last. Would you care to come with us?” 

      “So there’ll be no lessons today?” Hawks asked, surprised.

      “Please come with us!” Shoto smiled widely. 

      “I thought that maybe it would be a good opportunity for you to purchase another coat.” Fuyumi added. 

      “That’s very thoughtful of you, thank you.” Hawks replied, a twinge of guilt running through him as he remembered the Christmas bonus that Enji had given him. “Of course I would love to come.”

      “Perfect,” Fuyumi smiled, tucking some hair behind her ear and then turning to speak to Hawks in a lower voice. “Would you mind meeting me upstairs after breakfast, there’s something else I would like to discuss with you as well.” Hawks nodded. 

      “Of course.” 

 

      After tucking Shoto away in the library Fuyumi led Hawks back past the grand staircase and into the West Wing. Hawks had never ventured to this side of the house before, despite his natural curiosity. As they strode down the hall he noticed dust sheets draped over the sparse furniture. Most of the blinds remained closed, allowing only small vertical lines of light to cross their path. As this side of the house was older the tapestries showed more wear, some of them were even ripped at the edges. The walls were different, all of them made of stone with larger archways into grander rooms. Hawks let his fingers graze the blacked rock with a frown.

      “Was there a fire?” Fuyumi halted and turned to look over her shoulder, visibly unsettled by Hawks’ inquiry. 

      “Yes, several years ago, but it’s all been repaired now.” Hawks let his hand fall, glancing into the unused sitting room that was devoid of furniture and then resuming their trek, turning down another hall with several doors on either side. Fuyumi began to reach into her reticule for a large set of keys. Hawks turned to a door on his left and pressed against it softly. It swung open enough for him to glance inside. 

 

      Although the curtains were mostly closed, light still managed to filter into the grand bedroom. It looked to be the original master. The ceiling was vaulted and seemed to go on forever, meeting in a peak at the top where skylights let down even more dusty sunlight. There was a large fireplace, big enough for Hawks to stand inside if he chose and above it an oil painting with an ornate frame. In it was a young man and his bride, both of them in marital dress. The woman bore a striking semblance to Fuyumi and the man- Hawks almost swallowed his tongue- was that?

      “Hawks?” Hawks pulled his himself back from the doorway and turned to follow Fuyumi’s voice through the door she’d opened. He found her in another bedroom, standing in front of a tall ebony wardrobe. He glanced around the room at the dark lilac walls and noticed a music stand in the corner where a violin case sat covered in a thick layer of dust. She pulled out a suit jacket and held it out to him. “Try this on.” 

      Hawks took the jacket from her, shaking it once and then sliding it over his shoulders. It fit well enough, just a tad bigger than he needed. Fuyumi nodded in approval and then reached back into the closet to grab a pair of trousers. 

      “I think with a few alterations they would fit you well.” Hawks placed his hands in the pockets of the jacket and turned to look at himself in the wardrobe mirror. 

      “Yes, I daresay they would.” 

      “Good then take what you like today with us to town and we shall have them made up for you.” Hawks frowned looking back in the wardrobe. 

      “This is too generous of you-”

      “It was Father’s idea.” Fuyumi said softly, looking down at her hands. She took a step towards the door. “I’ll leave you to it. Can you find your way back to the staircase?” 

      “Of course. Thank you Fuyumi.” She nodded. 

      “Just close the room behind you please.” With that she was gone. 

      Hawks glanced back at himself in the mirror and with a sigh removed the jacket, placing it back on the bed with the matching trousers and surveying the rest of the wardrobe with a cautious eye. There were more suits than Hawks could ever feel the need to own, in all different colors, some of them incredibly fine. Those Hawks left on their hangers. He picked the most plain to try, finally deciding on four that suited him best. Below the suits there were several pairs of shoes, which unfortunately were just a bit too large for him. He closed the wardrobe doors tightly and turned back to survey the room again. It seemed almost locked in time. There was a stack of books left on the bedside table, a teacup sitting on the desk, a dark stain at the bottom as if it’d never been emptied by the owner. Even the desk itself, with a candle fully melted and the pen still left in it’s inkwell, all looked like the owner had quit the room in a hurry. 

      Hawks sighed and walked over to the violin case, unlocking the clasps and opening it slowly. Inside against the midnight blue velvet was a small flat silver plate with a name engraved on it. 

_       Touya Todoroki  _

      Hawks closed the case with a sigh. So this was where the dressing gown had come from. In a sudden flare of his pride Hawks had the impulse to shove everything back in the wardrobe and leave, but he couldn’t seem to bring himself to do it. 

_       It was father’s idea- _ had Enji really wished him to have these things? What was he playing at? Was he treating Hawks as some sort of charity, or was this affection simply a way for Enji to mourn the loss of an older son? Was Hawks simply a replacement for this Touya? 

      He turned to the music stand, with a frown, noticing the composition on it was a duet for the piano and violin in parts. He grabbed the music and folded it, placing it in his breast pocket and then grabbing the clothes in a huff, practically slamming the door as he left the room. He strode down the hall, and turned resolutely at the master bedroom, pushing the door open fully this time. 

      He flung the clothing on the bed and made his way to the curtain, pulling on the braided drapery cord and watching with satisfaction as they parted back from the grand window bathing the room in bright yellow light. Dust rose up in great clouds around him, causing Hawks to cough into his elbow before turning round to observe the picture above the fireplace in proper lighting this time.

      The woman was no doubt Fuyumi’s mother, she hardly looked any older than Fuyumi in the painting, a white veil pushed back from her face and floating over her slim shoulders where she stood one step in front of Enji, who loomed rigidly behind her. He stared straight ahead, his expression still severe, but his face rounder in youth. His shoulders were broad, but he was slimmer. 

      Hawks glared at the painting for a long time, memorizing the face of a young Enji and his bride. Her eyes looked dead, as she stared out at him from the painting, as if there was no love between them. Perhaps there wasn’t. He ran a shaky hand through his hair with a sigh. What did he know? He turned and gathered up the clothing in his arms, turning toward the door. 

      He should have closed the blinds. The light on the painting would surely weather it in time. With a cruel smirk he closed the door sharply, allowing himself the indulgence and leaving the west wing as quickly as he could. As he reached the end of the hall he could have sworn he heard a door open behind him, but he shrugged it off as impossible and headed on to the grand staircase and downstairs to meet with Fuyumi and Shoto.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry Enji will be back soon.


	11. The Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquility: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      March came in like a lion, with a thunderstorm and a warm spring breeze that turned the skies black at four in the afternoon. It left Shoto too distracted to attend to his music lesson and so he ended up staring at the rain out of the library window instead. Hawks was restless, he’d been restless since he finished his novel. The story stayed around in his mind, haunting him. Every time the beast was mentioned he’d envisioned Enji in his place, staring at him with sorrowful eyes from that blasted portrait, Enji twenty years younger and seemingly trapped. 

      Hawks had visited the west wing several times since then. He’d looked around the bedroom, opened the wardrobe to find nothing but cobwebs. He’d studied the faces in the painting so long they almost seemed to come alive. Touya’s room was more interesting, the music, the books, small trinkets from childhood. He almost felt like he knew him, after all they were close in age. Hawks’ new attire reminded him constantly of the ghost, the man who disappeared. He wished he could find a portrait somewhere so he could look into the eyes of Enji’s eldest son. Did Touya take after his father, or did he have his mother’s features like Fuyumi? Hawks imagined the day when Enji would come back home and he could ask him more, whittle out the story, the real reason he left. He supposed he could always ask Fuyumi about Touya, but he hesitated. 

      He didn’t want to hear Fuyumi’s sugar coated memories. He wanted the truth that Enji had alluded to earlier. He wanted to know what happened to Mrs. Todoroki, what caused Touya to flee from the house so quickly with no time to take his possessions, and he wanted Enji to trust him enough to tell him himself. 

      Thunder crashed rattling the window panes. 

      “Shoto, get away from there and close the curtains.” Hawks commanded, and Shoto pulled them shut with a sigh, moving over to the couch beside Hawks. He laid his head against Hawks’ knee. His cheek turned up into Hawks’ view, the burn in plain sight. 

      “Shoto.”

      “Hum?”

      “When did you burn your cheek?” Shoto wiggled on Hawks’ lap, small fingers reaching up to touch his face, like he’d forgotten it was there. 

      “You mean my birthmark? That’s been there for forever.” Shoto continued, raising himself up onto his knees and looking at Hawks directly, his two toned eyes almost glowing in the firelight. 

      “Oh, I see.” Hawks replied softly. Perhaps Shoto was too young to remember when it occurred. A birthmark seemed like an awfully poor excuse though. He had to have been very, very young when it happened.  

      “Will you read to me?” Shoto asked noticing that Hawks had gone quiet. 

      “Yes, of course. Grab whatever you wish.” Shoto smiled and jumped from the couch to fetch a book. He brought back a collection of French nursery rhymes that he was getting too old for, but Hawks indulged him, opening the front cover with a smile and then not being able to take his eyes from the first page. In small script -which he had never noticed before- there was an inscription. 

_       To our dearest Touya on his birthday. With all our love.  _

      “Shoto,” Hawks turned the book and pointed to the name. “Do you know who this is?” Shoto scrunched his brow staring. 

      “No. Did someone else own it before us?” Hawks turned to the next page. 

      “That must be it.” 

 

      When Hawks was finally alone in the library later that evening, he pulled every book out of the children’s section searching for another inscription. There were several for Fuyumi, more for Shoto and one for Natsuo as well, but no others for Touya. His was also the only book in French. He stared at the inscription for a long time, wondering who had done the writing. Was it Mrs. Todoroki, was it Enji? Hawks took the book and his candle and left the library in a huff, speeding down the hall toward the west wing. It was too late to worry about attracting attention. 

      He flung himself into the room ready to search until he could find anything to prove the author of the note, but he was immediately struck by a haunting irregularity. The fireplace, which had not seen use in years, was glowing with embers of a recently dead fire. Hawks felt another deadly chill wash over him. 

      He’d assumed his visits to this room were unobserved, but someone must have known about them. Otherwise why would they light a fire and leave it burning, as if to taunt him when he inevitably returned to it? Hawks made his way to the bedside table and sat the candle down to light the drawers as he slid the top one open and riffled through a mound of letters. Most of them were received by Enji so it took Hawks awhile to find his writing. Eventually he stumbled on a list made using the back of some sort of business report. 

      The handwriting was small and mechanical, precise, not the slanted script of the inscription.  _ She _ must have written in the book. Hawks couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed. He closed the drawer, picked up his candle and made to quit the room, glancing over his shoulder at the fireplace once more. The red coals winked at him merrily, casting just enough of a glow into the room for him to note that the large drapes had once again been drawn to a close. 

      He turned and headed back down the hall, walking quickly as if there was something in the dark behind him. He turned around the corner by the grand staircase and hit something solid. A piercing scream filled the air and Hawks bit his tongue to repress his own yell. 

      “Who’s there?”

      “It’s Hawks- wait. Sue?”

      “Oh bless me,” The woman put a hand to her chest and grabbed Hawks by the elbow. “You almost made me lose my ghost.”

      “I’m so sorry Sue, forgive me.” Hawks apologized genuinely. 

      “What in the world are you doing running through the dark?” She scolded. “And on this side of the house?” Hawks looked down abashed. 

      “I-I’ve been gathering books for Shoto,” He lifted up the nursery rhyme and then tucked it behind his back again quickly. Sue straightened her apron with a frown. 

      “You shouldn’t be snooping around the house like that Master Hawks, if you need something again. I’d be happy to fetch it for you.” 

      “Yes, yes, of course.” Hawks bowed awkwardly. 

      “I suppose it was you in the master bedroom then?” She continued with an edge of disapproval. 

      “I- I did stumble upon it recently yes. It’s rather beautiful. I’m surprised Mr. Todoroki doesn’t use it.” 

      “Ha- well I doubt he would now, after what happened.” 

      “What do you mean?” Sue shook her head. 

      “I don’t mean to spread rumors.” Hawks could feel his skin itching. She had his full attention. 

      “Of course, but if you could just enlighten me a bit. I feel as if I’m missing some common knowledge about the state of the family, and I would feel it rude to ask Miss Fuyumi or her Father.” 

      Sue glanced at him pityingly. 

      “Well, to be completely frank most of what I’ve heard is hearsay. I’ve only worked here the past three years, but I remember seeing some of the fuss in the papers.” Sue leaned in closer to Hawks, her voice dipping down to a whisper. 

      “Mr. Todoroki was stabbed, in that very bedroom.”

      “Stabbed?!” 

      “Hush,” Sue scolded. “Mrs. Todoroki was ill, had been for a while. There were a lot of rumors, about Mr. Todoroki being forceful with her. I’m not really one to believe things like that, but he could have done it if he’d wanted to; he’s such a large man, intimidating, dark.” Sue shook her head. “It got to the point where she needed extra care and he was planning to send her away. Of course that upset the eldest son.” She sighed. “He was very handsome, outspoken, intelligent, but his temper-” She bit her lip. “In any case by the time the doctor’d arrived the oldest son and his mother were gone, leaving Mr. Todoroki alone with the baby and the other children.” Sue glanced over her shoulder. 

      “And what of the son?”

      “Who knows,” Sue shrugged. “He’s never shown his face here and he had nothing of his own when he left. He could be dead for all his father knows.” She grabbed Hawks by the elbow. “Now don’t go repeating any of this. I want to keep my job thank you.” Hawks nodded and patted her hand. 

      “Of course, and I’m sorry about the room.”

      “It’s fine, just don’t go starting any more fires please. It’s hard to keep the flus cleaned and it’s not safe. You could burn the place down if you’re not careful and kill us all in our sleep.” She scolded.  

      Hawks was about to protest, explain his innocence at the accusation, but his blood ran cold at the realization that there’d been another person frequenting the master bedroom who still remained a mystery. 

      “Yes, yes, good night Sue.” He turned and left quickly, heading to his room. Once inside he closed the door again, pressing the chair back to its place and pacing around the bed. The book was still in his hands. He grimaced at it, thinking of the faceless boy who was obviously so loved, that grew up to hate his father enough to stab him.  Hawks tucked the book into a drawer in his desk. 

      He shouldn’t make any quick judgments. All Sue had told him was hearsay. He reached into his jacket pocket to pull out the sheet music he’d stolen from Touya’s room weeks ago. Hawks had never learned to play the piano, but he knew how to read music and he could hum the melody. It was distinct. Touya had talent. The piece was still untitled, but it was finished, all but the last refrain.  _ A song in two parts _ \- was scratched hastily at the top in slanted writing, written for piano and the violin. Touya had intended to play this with another, was it Fuyumi or his father?

      Was this why Enji kept himself from home, kept himself from a house that was drenched in unhappy memories? Was that why he was so harsh, so scared to show affection, so scared to be a part of Shoto’s life? Had he been a father to Touya and felt the sting of failure too bitterly to try again? 

      All at once Hawks was angry at Enji. Furious that he’d left so suddenly, furious that he’d run away, business be damned. He should be here, in the place where he was loved. 

      Hawks caught himself mid-thought and sat at the edge of his bed. Was loved too serious a word to use? He thought again of Enji’s strong frame, his hidden smiles and steady hands, his poor jokes and secret love for sweets. Hawks laughed sadly and rubbed his eyes with heavy hands.  _ This was fitting. _

      It was too like him to dream of the impossible, to reach for things so far away he knew he could never grasp them. This was just one more on a very long list that Hawks had been making for most of his life.  One more unattainable dream, if only he could sleep. 


	12. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Her coming was my hope each day,  
> Her parting was my pain;  
> The chance that did her steps delay  
> Was ice in every vein.”   
> ― Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

      “Oh-” Fuyumi held the letter steadily in her hands and blinked, as if she wasn’t sure what she was reading. It called Hawk’s attention from his breakfast and even made Shoto glance in her direction. “Father’s coming home.” Thank god Hawks had already swallowed his bite, or the surprise would have choked him. It’d been almost two and a half months since Enji left and Hawks hadn’t been holding out hope of his return in the near future. 

      Fuyumi hummed, her brows furrowing delicately as she scanned. 

      “And- he’s bringing guests. We’re to entertain them for a month.” 

      “Who?” Shoto asked, his silverware clattering onto the plate as he pushed back from the table and ran to Fuyumi’s elbow.  

      “Two gentlemen and a lady. He didn’t state their names, just instructed us to make the rooms ready.” Fuyumi frowned. “This is going to require quite a bit of work for the staff.”

      “When will they arrive?” Hawks asked, trying to keep the tremor from his voice as he squeezed his hands together underneath the table. Fuyumi flipped the letter back over to read the postmark. 

      “A week or so.” She mumbled, she turned the whole thing over once more before folding the letter back and placing it in the envelope. “This is unusual to say the least.” 

      Shoto nodded sagely. 

      “Yes, who on earth would want to visit father?” He exclaimed. Fuyumi sighed.  

      “Shoto, sit down and finish your breakfast.” Shoto dolefully returned to his seat and slurped from his milk glass. 

      “If you’ll both excuse me-” Hawks barely managed to get out the words as he turned to leave the table, fleeing to his room to grab a moment's peace as he ran a frazzled hand through his hair, ruffling it up ridiculously. He splashed some water on his face and took a deep breath. Perhaps if he’d been sleeping better this would not have been such a shock to him, but he was overcome with the possibilities of Enji's return. Hawks might finally be able to confront him and get some answers to the questions that plagued him. 

      His traitorous heart pounded in his chest at the idea of having Enji near him again, even though Hawks knew anything between them was no more than a fantasy that he’d concocted in his head. 

      The next week was frantic. The house was turned practically upside down and Fuyumi led the charge. All the windows were opened allowing for the chrisp spring air to lift the dust from the rooms and leaving in its wake the sweet scent of the outdoors. Extra staff was taken on momentarily and paid for the week to clean the linens and the floors in multiple rooms. Hawks found to his dismay during that time that someone, probably Fuyumi, locked both Touya's room and the master bedroom from the public. 

             Three rooms were made up in the front of the house, the one where Hawks had stayed during his illness included. Fresh flowers were brought inside from the greenhouse and the game room was re arranged with a card table. They even had both pianos tuned. Shoto milled around getting in everyone's way and asking unnecessary questions whenever he could. 

            “Why now? He's never brought people home before.”

            Three of the maids who were already prone to gossip couldn't seem to keep from speculating. 

_ “He is an eligible bachelor, even with his children being almost grown. He's young enough to take another wife. French women are much more lax about that sort of situation anyway--”  _

_             “I bet it has something to do with his properties. His mother was French you know--”  _

_             “No, this is just a show for him. Men with money have guests all the time. Although why he would want to bring them to this decrepit castle fools me.”  _

_             “Do you think he's trying to marry off Miss Fuyumi?”  _

_             “She's still a bit young but I daresay another year or two and she'll be begging to leave.”  _

           It was hard for Hawks to fault their speculation, of course all of those ideas had already been floating through his head. Hawks had already worked himself up into a frenzy, dropping papers, spilling his inkwell, jumping at the slightest mention of his employer, or the sound of any carriage that came through the front gate. His nerves had been tightened to their breaking point like new violin strings, and he resonated his worries with every breath and movement. 

      It was well ingrained in them that Enji and his guests could arrive at any moment, like they were stage hands for a play with no curtain call. Shoto hated having to being forced into his dress clothes on a daily basis and Fuyumi was constantly biting at her nails, almost at the edge of a fit trying to keep everything in check. If there was anything that her father expected it was order. 

      It was a sunny Thursday afternoon when time for their long awaited performance came. Shoto was the first person to spot the carriage coming down the lane. Hawks excused himself from the foyer, but kept a vantage point at the top of the stairs, so he could observe the party before he was pulled in and properly introduced. Enji hadn’t stated that he needed to be present and so he didn’t feel it was right for him to stand next to Shoto and Fuyumi as they made themselves ready to meet their guests at the door. 

      Enji strode in first, his blue dress coat unbuttoned and his sharp eyes observing the house as if he was looking for something, perhaps this was just his inspection of it’s preparation. He moved with an energy Hawks missed, a confidence that exuded strength. Hawks squeezed the wooden frame of the door until his knuckles turned white, holding his body back from rushing down the stairs. 

      Enji held open the door for a woman, smartly dressed in a stylish seafoam green silk dress, with her straight amber hair down loose around her shoulders. She had such a large smile on her face it seemed fake, with a small squeal of delight she raced forward and grabbed both Fuyumi’s hands in hers. 

      “I can tell she’s yours Enji, she’s absolutely gorgeous!” She turned to Shoto, who instinctively took a step back. “Oh, how darling. You’re just a picture of your father, the man of the house.” She cooed as Shoto frowned back at her in silence. The woman stepped through the foyer, twirling around to take everything in, almost like a child. 

      “Enji, you never told us that your home was this grand! I expect a private tour immediately!” Much to Hawk’s horror, Enji laughed boldly.

      “All in good time.” He turned to his children, who continued to stand there aghast at the strange woman. “Fuyumi, Shoto, this is Miss. Fukukado-”

      “Oh, you can call me Emi dears, everyone else does.” The woman stated over her shoulder as she snooped further into the house. 

      “Don’t let her wander off, she’ll expect someone to waste their time looking for her.” A deep exasperated voice came from the door as two other men entered the home. The one who had spoken had dark tangled black hair and bleary eyes. He was dressed in a dark grey rumpled suit and was escorting another gentleman who walked while leaning heavily on a cane. 

      The man with the cane was almost as tall as Enji, but his stooped posture made it difficult to gage a true height- he could have even been taller. Their similarities ended with that, this gentleman was a fourth of Enji’s size, so thin and frail looking that a stiff wind could blow him over. He had wild blonde hair, that he’d attempted to slick back to no avail, and a sad soft smile on his lips as he observed their surroundings. 

      “You have a lovely home Enji.” The man stated kindly. Enji huffed. 

      “Thank my father then. I didn’t have much choice in the matter.” He turned back to Fuyumi and Shoto. “This is Mr. Aizawa and Mr. Yagi. They will also be staying with us.” 

      Shoto and Fuyumi bowed and introduced themselves with a polite handshake. 

      “If my dear cousin gives you any trouble, you have my permission to lock her in the attic.” Mr. Aizawa stated dryly as he let go of Fuyumi’s hand and returned to his place next to Mr. Yagi. 

      “Shota darling, I can never tell when you’re teasing or not.” Emi replied musically as she made her final sweep of the foyer and returned to Enji’s side, wrapping her hand into the crook of his arm. 

      Hawks felt his blood begin to broil at the casual way she touched him. Something was off, Enji was acting too lax, unhurried. It was like watching a performance. Hawks was torn between running down the stairs and just running away. 

      “And where did the bird fly off too?” Enji asked Fuyumi pointedly. 

      “Oh, you have a pet?” Emi squealed, clutching tighter to Enji’s elbow and practically bouncing in place, her head turning around to scan the rafters. “I do love birds, my sister has six parakeets that are just darling.” 

      Hawks rolled his eyes. How could Enji even stand to be near that woman? 

      “Hawks?” Enji’s voice bellowed from downstairs, calling for him informally. Hawks had half a mind to refuse to answer, but that would only make the situation worse. He steeled his resolve, straightened his jacket, and plastered a genteel smile on his face, making it a mask of control to cover his nervous trepidation. He left his hiding place and began to descend the staircase, swearing to himself that he would keep his composure, but as he reached the landing and finally looked up to meet the group Enji’s eyes locked on his. He stuttered in his step, a half second of hesitation as his heart squeezed painfully in his chest for the man in front of him. 

      “Welcome home Sir.” Hawks supplied smoothly taking his place near Shoto as the strangers observed him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you all.” 

      Mr. Yagi appraised him with a smile. 

      “Is Hawks your Christian name, that’s quite unique.” 

      “No, Sir. It’s Thomas actually.” Hawks replied, stealing a look at Enji and knowing this was new information for his employer as well. 

      “Oh, shall we call you Tom then?” Emi mused, tilting her head to the side.

      “He goes by Hawks.” Enji muttered sourly. 

      Hawks flashed Emi a smile, taking a step forward and grasping her hand gently to bow and kiss her knuckles. 

      “I shall answer to whatever you wish madam.” He added suavely. 

      Enji and Shoto wrinkled their noses at the display, both seeming equally disgusted by it. 

      “Enough of this idleness. Fuyumi, show Emi to her room. I’ll escort Mr. Yagi and Mr. Aizawa to thiers. Hawks-” Hawks stood and leveled a challenging glare at Enji. “-Help with the luggage.” 

      “Of course sir.” He replied pointedly and turned on his heel to head out the front doors.

      “Father,” Fuyumi hissed behind him. “You can’t order Hawks around like a servant.” 

      “He’ll do what he’s asked.” Enji muttered before leaving up the stairwell. 

 

      It didn’t take long for the guests to be settled in their chambers. Hawks sought out Ms. Emi’s luggage to bring up and noted that her room was the same in which he had stayed during his illness. He also noted that she had brought with her seven trunks each weighing easily fifty pounds apiece. It seemed excessive to say the least. 

      Enji took his guests on a tour of the grounds and Hawks locked himself in his room until dinner was announced. He was meticulous as he dressed for the event, knowing that it was a more formal affair than usual. When he arrived downstairs he realized Shoto was not present at the table, as he had been relegated to the kitchen to allow the adults their privacy. This seemed to irritate Hawks even more than his own sitting arrangement, which was now to the right of Ms. Fuyumi, leaving Hawks almost at the end of the table and as far away from Enji as was humanly possible. The empty chair across from him just augmented his rejection, so much that he wondered why he’d been invited to the dinner at all? 

      He kept his interactions to a minimum at dinner, listening instead to Mr. Yagi and Mr. Aizawa talk about business, stocks and the economy. Apparently Mr. Yagi owned a shipping business in France that had been struggling recently, along with his health. The man barely ate anything during dinner and was intermittently taken with coughing fits, which left the table oddly silent after they concluded. 

      Emi kept interrupting their conversations with attempts at jokes, which were all rather poorly received, especially from her cousin whose deadpan stare could have frozen water. Fuyumi remained polite and tried her best to engage with her father and the other guests, but Hawks could see the cracks in her countenance widening as dinner drew to a close. 

      “Shall we carry the rest of the evening into the parlor?” Enji pushed back from the table as the others followed suit. 

      “I shall retire early father.” Fuyumi replied and Enji nodded her off. Hawks was three steps behind her heading towards the stairwell when he heard the low rumble of Enji’s voice. 

      “I was hoping you would join us bird.” Hawks repressed a shiver and turned to find Enji towering over him.

      “Well seeing as there’s no more luggage to be brought in, I doubted you would have use for me.” Hawks bit out the words, eyes flashing. 

      “You’re angry over that?” Enji huffed. “I’m surprised to find your pride so easily wounded.”  Hawks didn’t have a reply. Enji had no idea the wounds that Hawks now possessed, each one a needle in his heart. 

      “I fail to see how my presence would improve the company Sir, you know I have no stomach for drinking.” 

      “What about an eye for cards?” Enji asked. “You’ve got a decent tongue for French.” 

      “Perhaps Emi will partner with you for the game.” Hawks cast his gaze back at the table. Enji snorted. 

      “With her I would surely lose every penny I possess.” He glanced back over his shoulder towards the parlor then turned to Hawks locking him under his gaze. “I won’t ask again, Thomas.” 

      The name rushed through Hawks like wildfire, blissfully hot, almost euphoric as it resonated in his chest with Enji’s deep baritone. 

      “As you wish, Enji.” Hawks replied smoothly, brushing against the other man’s arm as he strode toward the parlor. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. Just a warning next week's chapter will not be up on time. I got sick on Friday and didn't feel well until Monday, and tonight I am driving 10 hours to go out of town for the weekend and I won't be back until late Monday so life is getting the better of me and I have no time to write :(. But hopefully the following Wednesday I will have something to put up... if life goes back to normal. Haha.


	13. Truths and Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Miss Ingram was a mark beneath jealousy: she was too inferior to excite feeling. Pardon the seeming paradox; I mean what I say. She was very showy, but she was not genuine; she had a fine person, many brilliant attainments, but her mind was poor, her heart barren by nature; nothing bloomed spontaneously on that soil; no unforced natural fruit delighted by its freshness. She was not good; she was not original; she used to repeat sounding phrases from books; she never offered, nor had, an opinion of her own. She advocated a high tone of sentiment, but she did not know the sensations of sympathy and pity; tenderness and truth were not in her”   
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks entered the parlor to see Mr. Yagi and Mr. Aizawa seated beside each other on the sofa. Emi, it seemed, was still preoccupied with exploring the room, snooping somewhere between the window and the bookshelf and touching everything she could with an almost childishly inquisitivity. Hawks bowed to the seated gentlemen before taking a seat on the opposite love seat, nearest the fire. 

      Enji’s usual chair was empty, but to Hawk’s surprise instead of going to it he sat to Hawk’s left on the love seat, his bulk shifting the cushions. Hawks tucked a blush into his collar averting his eyes and grabbing the arm to steady himself. He could practically feel the heat radiating off the man beside him, or perhaps the room was just too warm. The fire had been lit, but it was hardly necessary and in the small space so filled with bodies it was suffocating. 

      “Damn this heat.” Enji muttered, quickly divesting himself of his jacket. 

      “It feels cozy to me.” Mr. Yagi said, shrugging his shoulders affably. 

      Enji clicked his tongue, before shooting his gaze over to Emi whose nose was now stuffed into a book. 

      “Would anyone care for a drink?” When he was met with silence Enji pushed himself up from the sofa and strode to the liquor cabinet, pouring two fingers of whiskey and a glass of red wine. The wine found itself in Hawk’s surprised hands, and the whiskey was set in front of Mr. Aizawa, who smirked and then offered his thanks as he took a sip from the glass. 

      “I’ll take some wine Enji dear.” Emi purred, hovering at Enji’s elbow as he turned back to fix her a glass. 

      Hawks sipped on the wine as he observed them. Without his overcoat Enji’s simple white shirt did nothing to hide his frame, and despite his muscular build he moved gracefully. Mr. Aizawa cleared his throat and Hawks met the dark haired man’s eyes, blanching guiltily at the knowing expression he wore. 

      “So, Mr. Hawks, Ms. Fuyumi tells us that you’re Shoto’s governor. How long have you been teaching?” Mr. Aizawa asked as he stole another sip from his glass. 

      “Shoto is my first pupil, although I did teach at Brentwood school before I left.”

      “So less than a year then?” 

      “Goodness, you’re still practically a child.” Emi chimed in, as Hawks ears reddened further. 

      “Oh don’t tease him so, we were all young once. This is a fine start to a career.” Mr. Yagi supplied benevolently, and Hawks smiled at him with a nod. 

      “But that means you’re barely older than Fuyumi, and so handsome. What a shame, you’re far too young for an old maid like me.” Emi smiled and grabbed Enji’s elbow. “I suppose I’ll have to keep my sights set on more mature and worldly gentlemen.” 

      Hawks clenched his jaw and took a deeper sip of his wine. 

      “If age and maturity were synonymous then maybe, but as you are dear cousin perhaps a man of Mr. Hawk’s age would suit you.” Mr. Aizawa leaned back into the couch cushions with a pert grin as Mr. Yagi attempted to hide his smile with his handkerchief and a false cough. 

      “You are too cruel to me.” Emi pouted, taking her glass from Enji and seating herself beside Hawks on the love seat. 

      Hawks glanced up at Enji to see a wave of displeasure overtake his features before he composed himself and made his way to his usual chair. It would have been polite for Hawks to offer Enji his seat, so he could sit next to Emi, but the bitter part of Hawks’ heart refused to let him make such an offer. Any chance he had to play a hand in their separation he would take with glee. 

      “Shall we have a game then?” Enji pulled a deck of cards from the side table. 

      “With five people?” Mr. Aizawa rolled his eyes. “Whist is meant for four players.” 

      “Leave me out then.” Mr. Yagi held up his hand. “I can hardly keep up with these sorts of things anymore.”

      “Enji and I will be a team then!” Emi exclaimed with a smile. 

      “No.” Mr. Aizawa frowned. “Unless you’re willing to switch chairs, as we’re setting now, it is you and I dear cousin who will play together.” 

      Emi pouted for half a second, then a clever grin caught her lips. She tossed her hair over one shoulder with a shrug. 

      “Fine, I concede your point, but we’ll have to go easy on them, it would hardly be fair otherwise.” 

      “I have no intention of going easy on anyone.” 

      “Well then,” Enji scooted forward in his chair as he began to shuffle the deck. “Care to put some money on it Shouta?” 

      “What did you have in mind?”

      “Nothing too rich, I doubt Hawks has anything more than pocket change to offer.” Hawks bristled, but it was a true statement. He was hardly in the mood to gamble his pocket change away either. 

      “Shouldn’t you spot the boy?” Mr. Aizawa asked with a sly grin. “Afterall, you invited him to the game.” Enji looked up at Hawks with a frown, then grumbled to himself. 

      “Fine, what shall we say three pounds a game?” 

      “Sounds fair.” 

      Hawks watched as Emi cut the deck and Enji dealt out the hands, flipping over the last card and revealing the Trump suit as diamonds. Hawks began sorting his cards by suit. It had been awhile since he’d played the game, but it didn’t matter Hawks was determined to win at any costs. 

      Part of any team based game was good communication with your partner. You had no idea of the other person’s hand, but you could easily lose if you didn’t pay attention, expression and intuition could take you a long way, and as goofy as Emi seemed at first Hawks doubted that Aizawa would have agreed to the pairing unless he knew they were likely to win. That meant he was going to have to learn to read Enji, and allow Enji to do the same with him.

      Aizawa started the first round with a jack of hearts, and Hawks looked up at Enji for the cue. Blisteringly blue eyes locked on his, calm and collected, confident- Hawks played the nine in his hand and let the round progress. Emi played a five, and Enji took the hand with the King. Hawks noted the twitch of a smile on Enji’s lips as he started the next round, placing his card on the table and the looking up at Hawks, allowing him to read his countenance freely. 

      Hawks could have played cards all night. He almost forgot to look anywhere else, the wine in his glass disappeared unknowingly. Hawks had missed Enji more than he’d let himself admit. Try as he might to keep from wearing his heart on his sleeve, he was worried it was bleeding through the borrowed suit. 

      They won the first game, just barely, but Emi vehemently protested that they rematch and by the second game there was hardly even competition. Part of it had to have been luck, but who could really know? 

      “Are you sure you can’t see his cards?” Mr. Aizawa frowned. 

      “I assure you Sir, I would never sulley my honor with cheating.” 

      Emi threw down her hand with a huff. 

      “This is boring, if we can’t win.”

      “Let’s have a break then,” Enji put his cards down on the table and rose. He held out his hand wordlessly to Hawks and he passed him his empty glass, their fingertips barely brushing with the movement. As Enji handed Hawks back a now overly full glass of wine, he reached in turn for Aizawa’s, but the other man yawned and waved his hand. 

      “No more for me.” He turned to glance at Mr. Yagi, whose head had sunk into his chest. “It might be time to retire soon.” 

      “But if you leave we can’t play.” Emi sighed and leaned back onto the sofa. Enji refilled her glass and sat it on the table in front of her, turning to pour himself a few fingers of bourbon and then settling back in his chair. 

      “We could play single dummy.” 

      “No- that’s boring too.” Emi replied. “What about a game of truths and lies?” 

      “It’s nearly midnight.” Mr. Aizawa replied. “Let us all retire and save our comeback for tomorrow evening. It’s been quite a long day afterall.” 

      “Oh, just for a bit please. I just got a new glass.” 

      “Fine then.” 

      Enji frowned at the sudden change in game, but dutifully collected the cards anyway. 

      “I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with this game,” Hawks spoke to the room. 

      “Oh it’s easy. You make two statements, a truth and a lie and then we have to guess which is which.” Emi tilted her head to the side to look up at Enji. “It’s really best played with strangers, but I suppose this will do.” 

      Enji huffed, leaning his chin on his hand. 

      “How to we decide who goes first?” 

      “I think the oldest should go first, as they’ll have the most to lie about.” Hawks stated with a smirk. 

      “You would say something to peck at me bird.” Enji grumbled. “Fine.” Enji cleared his throat and put on a solemn expression. “Once while in a foreign country I was tricked into eating dog as my meal-”

      “Oh my goodness!” Emi exclaimed, her features curling in disgust. Mr. Aizawa’s eyes opened wide. “I hope that was the falsehood.”

      “Let me finish-” Enji grumbled, “This is your silly game.” He frowned. “I also played the piano forte professionally for a time in my youth.” 

      The room grew quiet. 

      “Oh dear.” Emi put a hand on her mouth. “You really did eat dog then?” 

      “It’s not the worst thing to do on accident.” Mr. Aizawa countered. Mr. Yagi broke the room with a soft snore, confirming that he had fallen asleep. 

      “The first is the lie.” Hawks stated confidently. Enji nodded.

      “He has it.” 

      “Oh!” Emi exclaimed, “Well now I must hear you play tomorrow! For I dearly love to sing.” 

      Hawks felt his blood chill at the thought. 

      “I’m sure that can be arranged.” Enji conceded. “Now, someone else go on, lie to us.”

      “The turn goes to Mr. Hawks.” Mr. Aizawa stated. “He was the one who guessed correctly.”

      “Well?” Enji prompted. 

      Hawks licked his lips and plastered on a smile. There wasn’t much that he could lie about, especially to Enji. Everyone already knew his profession, and his circumstances. Without truly thinking about it he spit out a lie and a truth with thorns. “I play the violin and compose my own pieces.” Enji stiffened in his seat and Hawks’ tongue caught in his mouth. “And- uh- I’ve never ridden a horse before.” 

      The room went silent. 

      “You can’t have never ridden a horse.” Aizawa said. 

      “Oh dear, but I can see you playing a violin.” Emi frowned. “What do you think Enji?”

      Enji stared at Hawks sternly, and Hawks looked back at him. There was no keeping it a secret anymore. He would know that Hawks had been in Touya’s room. Enji huffed out a sigh and placed his face into his palm. 

      “This is going to make the hunt tomorrow significantly more difficult than I’d intended it.”

      “So you really can’t ride?!” Emi exclaimed. 

      Hawks shook his head sheepishly. “I’m afraid not anymore than I can play the violin. I’m disappointing all around.” 

      “I wouldn’t say that-” Enji stated, and Hawks stomach turned in his gut. “You’re at least decent at cards.” The older man continued. “You earned me at least twelve pounds just this night.”

      Hawks laughed shortly, running shaking fingers through his hair disheveling it into a hurricane of curls. 

      “Alright, that seems plenty for the evening.” Aizawa stood up from the couch with a yawn, cracking his back and patting Mr. Yagi gently on the shoulder. “We shall see you in the ‘morrow.” Emi stood as well to follow them from the room with a wink to Enji. 

      “Good night, Enji, Hawks.” Aizawa nodded and Emi and Mr. Yagi echoed his goodbye as they slipped from the parlor. 

      Hawks stood to gather up the empty glasses and place them back on the tray.  

      “That wasn't too painful, was it Hawks?” 

      He turned to see Enji knock back the rest of his drink and relax into his chair with a full bodied sigh. 

      “I still don't see the point in my company. Emi seems to be a fair challenge at cards, she would have made you a good partner.” 

      “Perhaps,” Enji conceded. “She’s sharper than she appears.” 

      “Why did you bring them back with you sir?” Hawks turned back from the table. 

      Enji raised an eyebrow and sat his empty glass on the table. 

      “Mr. Yagi and I are negotiating a possible new arrangement for his company. He is wanting to retire soon, but has no heirs to run his business.”

      “What about Mr. Aizawa?” 

      Enji shrugged, “According to him he plans to stay with Mr. Yagi as an assistant.” 

      Hawks frowned. 

      “Is he very ill then?” 

      “Yes. I doubt he’ll last more than a few years. Time is of the essence, in all things.” Enji stood from the chair and grabbed his coat from the back of the couch. 

      “Is that why you left so quickly?” Hawks couldn’t meet his eyes for the question. 

      “That among other things.” Enji replied coolly. 

      “I see.” Hawks bit his lip and turned to the door. “Goodnight then sir.” 

      “Thomas-” Hawks turned back to see Enji with an almost pained look on his face, the outline of the fire behind him. “Sleep well.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting. This chapter was not as well edited for the sake of it not being even more late than it already is. Thank you for reading <3


	14. Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If he were insane, however, his was a very cool and collected insanity.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks made his way to his room through the darkened halls without even the aid of a candle. His head was swimming from the wine and he felt torn. Part of him was rejoicing at Enji’s return and the other crying in anguish at it. He wished that he’d never given Enji his christian name. It was far too painful to hear it fall from his lips. He’d spent all those weeks waiting for his return and now that they were near each other again Enji was acting like nothing had happened. Maybe nothing had, maybe all the intimacy was in Hawk’s mind alone.

      Even if Enji returned his feelings what would come of that? Nothing, nothing that would be satisfactory.   

      Hawk’s bedroom was drafty and he changed quickly, throwing his gifted dressing gown on over his bedclothes for the sake of warmth. It was a comfort to drown himself in layers. He placed his chair against the door again, before turning to tuck himself into bed. Hawks burrowed under the comforter and tossed on his pillow, allowing for a second the indulgence of the memory of Enji sitting near his bedside, of Enji’s hand on his forehead.  After a few minutes of fitfulness Hawks was asleep.

      It was far from morning when he woke again. A needling headache pinching between his eyes as he took in his surroundings. Who or what woke him, he couldn’t remember, but his mouth was painfully dry so he stood up to grab a drink from the pitcher of water at his bedside. It was then that he noticed the smell of smoke, like someone had just blown out a candle. He walked to the door and removed the chair. 

      The smell became stronger as he opened the door into the hall. Worried that something might be wrong, Hawks tied his dressing gown around himself tightly and left his room, tiptoeing down the hall and noticing how the air thickened with smoke the further down he went, but when he reached the grand staircase the smell seemed to disappear again. 

      He was just about to turn around when he heard a distant giggle that sounded like it had come from downstairs. The fireplaces…

      Hawks grabbed the bannister and took the stairs two at a time in the dark, turning down the first floor hall to where he knew the bedrooms were. The smoke was thicker here. He noticed the middle door of the hall was ajar and raced over to push it open. 

      Flames lit the room. They'd licked up the curtains of the bed and begun to eat at the edges of the window, filling the air with thick curls of smoke that made Hawks squint. There was still a body in the bed, and for a moment he worried they were dead. 

      “Wake up! Wake up!” Hawks yelled, trying to reach the bed, but the flames kept him from it. The dark shape remained still under the blankets unaware of the danger around them. 

      Without thinking he grabbed the bedside pitcher of water and doused the figure. They shot from the bed with a roar and Hawks found the mettle to rush forward and grab their arm, pulling them from the bed and out of the room, even as he felt the hot tongue of flames lick over his wrist. 

      “Hawks?!” Enji wiped the water from his eyes as he was dragged into the hall, before he was bent in half with a fit of coughing. 

      “Are you alright?” Hawks grasped Enji’s forearm as the other man sought for his bearings. Hawks noticed the shock of red chest hair had become a wet mass of curls, as Enji’s white night shirt was open and sopping with water. Enji ran a hand through his hair, leaving it in short wet spikes, he placed an arm on Hawk’s shoulder and looked back in his room at the flames. 

      “Fetch more water quickly!” He commanded before turning and rushing back into the room tearing down the curtains from the bed and throwing them into the floor to stomp out the flames. 

      Hawks didn’t hesitate, something in Enji’s tone made him trust the man’s command. He sped to the kitchen, running as fast as he could and grabbed the largest bucket he could find to fill with water, all the while urging the spigot to pump faster. He came back to the room to find Enji ripping down the curtains, coughing heavily. The smoke had doubled but there were no more visible flames. 

      “Here!” Hawks handed Enji the bucket and he began to douse the burned fabric that lay on the ground around the bed. 

      There was a hissing as the final sparks died out and the horrible stench of burned velvet filled the room. Enji pushed open the window, then turned, breathing heavily, to face Hawks. 

      “Are you okay?” Hawks nodded, the cold midnight dark air hitting them both and pulling the smoke from the room. 

      “Did you see anyone else?” 

      “No- I- everyone else is in bed.” Enji took the bucket from the floor and pressed it back into Hawks’ arms, walking past him and back into the hall, head whipping back and forth rapidly. Hawks turned to follow him. 

      “What’s going on?”

      “Hawks,” Enji grabbed his arm. “I need you to go back to the kitchen, put back the  bucket and then wake Sue so that she can get rid of the linens. Then I want you to wait for me here. I’ll be back shortly.” 

      “But where are you going?” 

      “To fix this-” Enji turned, and left down the hall. 

      Hawks looked from the bucket in his hands to the blackened bedroom, and with a hopeless sigh made his way back to the kitchen. He put the bucket back under the sink and then sought out the servant’s quarters at the back of the house. He knocked on Sue’s door and when she finally answered explained the situation to the best of his abilities. It was nearing three in the morning by the time they had piled the burned curtains into a bag and removed them from the room. Perhaps it was the early hour, or perhaps she knew better than to ask, but she finished the task without any question of why the bed and curtains had caught fire, or why Hawks was involved with it at all. When she left with the bag Hawks made himself busy pacing outside the room, waiting for Enji to return as he’d promised. 

      His heart was still pounding a million miles a minute. How had the fire started? What would have happened if Hawks hadn’t woken when he had? Would Enji have ever woken on his own? Was the fire set on purpose? Hawks worried the edge of his sleeve between his fingers, keeping a sharp eye out for Enji’s return. His bed was ruined now, and the room was unusable, why had he even asked Hawks to wait for him?

      A half hour passed with Hawks debating whether or not he should remain stationed in the hall. Then suddenly Enji returned, he motioned for Hawks to follow him like he’d never doubted he would leave.

      “I’ll need to change rooms.” That was obvious, but Hawks trailed him as he opened the ruined bedroom’s door and began to hand Hawks various items of clothing like he was a servant meant to wait on him. 

      “Where did you go?” 

      “I needed to secure some interests.” Enji replied sharply, tossing him his coat. Hawks coughed into his shoulder. Smoke was still thick in the air. It would take days to get rid of the smell. 

      Hawks hadn’t had time to pay attention earlier, but this room was far less grand that Hawks would have ever expected for Enji to use as his bedchamber. It was hardly larger than the one that Hawks resided in, with no fireplace and only one large curtained window. 

      “Follow me.” Enji commanded gruffly, leading Hawks from the room and up to the stairs. When they reached the second floor landing they turned down Hawks’ hall and to his bemusement Enji removed a large set of keys from his pocket and unlocked the room one down from Hawks’ door. 

      This bedchamber was even plainer, stark cream colored walls, one small window and a double bed with no canopy, a plain dresser on the opposite wall and a small trunk at the end of the bed. 

      “Throw those on the bed.” Enji turned to the closet and began to place his things into the drawers. Hawks hovered by the door watching him, until he had finished putting everything in its place. 

      “You can leave now.” Enji grumbled as he closed the door of the dresser for the last time with a heavy sigh. 

      “I-I’m afraid I can’t sir.” Hawks took a step toward him. “I have the distinct feeling that the fire was an attempt on your life.” Enji raised an eyebrow. 

      “And what would give you that impression? I’m surely not the first man to drunkenly fall asleep and knock over my candle.” 

      “You weren’t drunk sir.” Enji huffed and rolled his eyes. “And even if you had been, what could possibly need your attention so soon afterwards that you would leave for over half an hour?”

      “Hawks-” Enji’s voice rose in warning. “You’ll do best to leave this alone, it doesn’t involve you.” 

      “You would be dead, if I hadn’t woken you!” Hawks hissed back, his anger spiking. 

      “It is a shame that you sleep so lightly then.” Enji muttered, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck. Hawks blanched. “Forget that, it is late and I’m tired. We’ve had far too much excitement this evening. It’s best for us to rest.”   

      “I cannot rest.” Hawks replied, turning and pacing the floor. 

      “Do you fear for your life now?”

      “No-” Hawks turned with a frown. “I fear for yours.”

      Hawks knew that there was something else going on in the house, something that Enji was hiding from him, whether it was made of flesh and blood or a ghostly apparition Hawks couldn't be sure. He had far too many questions and not enough answers to explain what he’d experienced. 

      Enji stood from the bed and grabbed Hawks by the shoulders. 

      “The sun will be up in a few hours. There is nothing more to fear tonight.” Enji squeezed Hawks’ shoulder. “Go back to your room, lock your door, and get some sleep if you can. We have a long day tomorrow.” 

      Hawks refused to move. 

      “Enji- I-” 

      “Do you trust me?” 

      “Yes.” 

      “Then speak of this no more. Do not mention it to the others, simply play the fool. I will not forget what you have done for me.” 

      Hawks looked up at Enji and saw the weariness in his eyes. They were red from the smoke and heavy with exhaustion. Hawks wanted nothing more than the ability to wrap his arms around the other man and kiss his heavy brow to relieve the tension that settled there. Instead, Hawks pressed his lips together in a line and left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	15. Horseback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      “I don’t see why I cannot come too.” Shoto stuck out his bottom lip in his typical pout and crossed his arms as Fuyumi tried to console him. 

      “You’re much too inexperienced to keep up with them.” 

      “Well so is he-” Shoto pointed to Hawks who nodded in agreement.

      “Exactly my point.” He replied, his gaze shooting over to Enji, who was deftly readying the horse.  

      “Don’t think you can avoid this for much longer bird. You’re coming along, whether you like it or not.”

      Hawks looked across the stable where Mr. Aizawa and Mr. Yagi had already saddled their horses. Emi had yet to make an appearance, but Hawks was sure that she would arrive soon. She certainly wouldn’t miss the opportunity to show off her aptitude. It had been decided that morning at breakfast, after much argument on Hawks’ part, that the five of them would go riding. Hawks intended to stay with Mr. Yagi, as the two of them would mostly likely take up the rear anyway. 

      Hawks felt like the whole thing was a horrible idea. He only hoped that he would be able to keep from making a fool of himself. He knew that it was odd for him to have never ridden, but the school certainly didn't have the resources to secure a stable. Riding, and especially hunting was something for the upper class. He doubted very much that this impromptu lesson would suffice either, and was preparing himself for the humiliation that would most likely ensue from his attempt. 

      “Over here Hawks.” Enji's voice left no room for argument, and with a short bow to Shoto and Fuyumi Hawks made his way over to the dappled grey mare that Enji held by the reins. “This is Betsy.” Enji patted her flank. “I don't think she'd run, even if you spurred her with a hot poker.” 

      Hawks looked at the mare quizzically. She was already saddled and bridled, all he had to do was find the strength to hoist himself up onto her massive frame. 

      “Good girl,” Hawks muttered under his breath as he patted her side hesitantly. She snorted at the touch and he jumped back, bumping into Enji and managing to step firmly on his toes. 

      Enji grabbed Hawks by the shoulders and pushed him back beside the mare. 

      “Step on me again and I'll tie you to the saddle for the hunt.” 

      “Well excuse me for fearing an animal five times my size.” 

      “There's nothing to fear you chicken, now grip the pommel with both hands and put your foot in the stirrup.” Hawks reached up, practically on his tiptoes to grasp the saddle and tentatively placed his foot in the stirrup, but the angle was awkward with his knee bent almost under his elbow and his back bowed awkwardly. 

      “Now pull yourself up.” Enji commanded. 

      “You have got to be joking,” Hawks gritted out between his teeth. He was so tightly stretched just reaching where he should, he had no strength or momentum to pull himself up the rest of the way. All he ended up being able to do was awkwardly hop on one foot as Betsy turned her large dumb head to stare at him. 

      He could hear Shoto laughing behind him. After a few more moments of humiliation and failure he heard Enji sigh heavily and suddenly there was pressure underneath his heal. Enji practically lifted him up until he could throw his knee across the saddle and settle into place. 

      “We'll practice that more later.” Enji muttered passing him the reins. “Keep these loose in your hands, she's good at following the group, pull both gently back to stop if you need to.” 

      Hawks squeezed his knees into the sides of the horse, worried that she would bolt at any second and he would be left in the dirt. However, Betsy just stood apathetically her large eyes blinking slowly as she observed Enji leave to mount his horse. 

      Hawks waited patiently as the other riders mounted, and as the others left the stables Betsy, of her own volition, slowly trotted after them. 

      “Good luck!” Shoto yelled after Hawks, but he was too stiff in the saddle to turn and wave goodbye. Instead his hands white knuckled the reins and his back was hunched to bring him as close to Betsy as he could bear to be. 

      “Hello all!” Hawks heard Emi’s voice before he saw her, galloping around from the other side of the stable with ease to join the group. Hawks gripped the reins harder, as his mare shook its head at her arrival, taking a step back in surprise. 

      “Ready to go then Enji?” She asked with ease, trotting around to his side.  _ Show off. _

      “I believe we are.” Enji replied scanning the group before turning back to Emi. 

      “I’ll let you lead us then.” She replied with a laugh, then whispered -not so softly. “Don’t lead too quickly or poor Tom might fall behind.” 

      Hawks bristled, tightening his jaw through a false smile. Enji looked over his shoulder, his expression unreadable, but in a second he’d turned back and they were off. 

      Hawks did end up taking the rear, with Mr. Aizawa and Mr. Yagi riding ahead of him, but it was not nearly as intimidating as he thought it’s be once he got going. Hawks was determined not to make a fool of himself, but it was hard. His legs quickly became tired and his butt was numb from riding after barely an hour. 

      Enji led the group around the pond and through the backwoods of the property. It was a beautiful day to be out, the sky was just slightly overcast, but the late spring air was warm. Mr. Yagi was kind enough to try to engage Hawks in conversation as he was able. Mr. Aizawa was less sociable. The man barely said anything unless it was a complaint, whereas Mr. Yagi talked about his other visits to England where he wished to travel to next, and even about his business. 

      It wasn’t long until the group had split into two parts, Enji and Emi far ahead and Mr. Yagi, Aizawa and Hawks further behind. 

      “It looks like we’re being left.” Mr. Yagi observed with a sigh. “I’m sorry I don’t mean to slow us down.”

      “You’re no slower than Mr. Hawks, our host simply has poor manners.” Mr. Aizawa replied with a soured expression. “Or perhaps he is simply hoping to lure my cousin away from her chaperone.” 

      Hawks squinted, trying to make out their forms in the distance. 

      “Should we try to catch up?” He clutched the reins tighter, unsure of how much ‘catching-up’ Betsy was even capable of. 

      “Don’t bother with it, I’m sure they want their privacy.” Mr. Yagi chuckled.  Hawks felt his stomach turn at the thought. 

      Out of nowhere a clap of thunder echoed in the air. They already grey skies beginning to tremble above them, the wind picking up through the trees to warn of the oncoming storm. 

      “Perfect.” Mr. Aizawa frowned. “England welcomes us as usual, we had better head back.” 

      “A-are you sure?” Hawks asked, his eyes darting back to where Enji and Emi had disappeared just over the bluff. 

      “If you don’t want to be soaked with rain, yes.” Mr. Aizawa turned his horse around and began to backtrack their trail. 

      “I certainly have no desire to get wet.” Mr. Yagi replied with a sympathetic look in Hawks’ direction. “I’m sure they’ll both be right behind us.” 

      Hawks nodded, tepidly turning Betsy to follow behind Mr. Yagi, as thunder struck again. The pace back to the stables was faster than they’d been riding before and Hawks was glad, when small raindrops began to hit his face, that they had turned back around when they had. The last thing he wanted to be was caught outside in a thunderstorm on horseback. 

      They made their way back from the wooded area and toward the house. Hawks had fallen a few paces behind looking over his shoulder periodically to watch and see if Enji and Emi appeared behind him. The thunder had become more frequent and it was raining in earnest by now, soaking through Hawk’s outermost coat. 

      They were at the outskirts of the wood when two hundred yards away or so a bolt of lightning struck a large tree in the middle of the clearing. It was so bright and loud Hawks was blinded by it. He pulled both reins in tight as he threw up his arm to protect his eyes, digging his heels into the old mare’s flank in surprise. Betsy whinnied and jumped back, practically knocking Hawks off. If he hadn’t been so slight and so firmly held the saddle he might have met the ground. He dropped the reins in the shock and had no control as she turned with wild eyes and fled back into the woods, racing through the brambles of a deer path, and leading Hawks further into the dark. 

      He pulled back on her mane, trying with all his might to calm her. She didn’t seem to care at all for her rider though and only led them deeper into the wood, until they met a small stream, racing faster from the downpour.  She leapt over it in one bound and nearly slipped on the opposite bank. Hawks grasped her neck with both arms and closed his eyes. A few minutes later she finally stopped running, coming to a slow stop under an enormous tree dead in the center of the woods. 

      At least where they were under its canopy they were more protected from the rain, they were also hopelessly lost. 

      “Good job Betsy.” Hawks rolled his eyes and pushed his wet hair back from his face, scanning to try to find something familiar in the trees, or at least to tell where the sun was, but the cloudy sky had the canopy kept him from being able to orient himself. If he thought his ass was numb before he was in for a surprise, nothing like a vigorous ride through the woods on a soaking wet saddle to make you forget your ass cheeks. How was he going to get back though?

      “Okay, time to go home.” He lightly kicked her with his heels to urge her forward, but she didn’t move an inch. 

      “Come on girl, it’s just a little rain.” He reached around the grab the reins again, nearly falling out of the saddle to reach them. Then he tugged her head to the left. She turned reluctantly but refused to leave the shelter of the tree.  

      “Damn horse.” Hawks shivered involuntarily and scanned the forest. It was quiet, rain falling heavily on the ground, the smell of wet earth rising up around him. He wondered if the others had made it back alright. What about Enji and Emi? Were they back at the house as well, laughing together by the fireplace. 

      Hawks had done as Enji asked. He hadn’t mentioned the fire from the other night, but it had been sitting at the back of his mind all day. Who would have wanted to hurt Enji? Surely none of the guests, although they were all still practically strangers to Hawks. Even if Mr. Yagi had been so kind recently, he hardly knew him well enough to rule him out as a possibility. It didn’t make any sense though, Enji leaving so quickly, asking Hawks to keep things quiet. Why would Enji invite people into his home that would want to harm him, or was it someone who was already residing in the home prior to their guests’ arrival? 

      Thunder rumbled in the distance and Betsy brayed again, pawing at the ground and leading Hawks in a nervous circle around the trunk of the tree. Even though the thunder persisted he could tell that the storm was beginning to let up. It was moving farther away from him. Soon he hoped he would be able to urge the mare back out from the tree and hopefully home. Although he still wasn’t exactly sure which way he should be headed. Everything looked the same. 

      Hawks sighed and wrapped his arms around himself to stave off the chill of the air. He regretted ever agreeing to this stupid outing. 

      “Hawks-” That was odd. Hawks turned to look around him. He could have sworn someone was calling him. “Hawks-” The second time was clearer, and he recognized the voice. 

      “Hawks damn it, tell me where you are!” 

      “Here-” Hawks swallowed over the lump in his throat and turned to see where the voice was coming from. “I’m over here, past the stream!” 

      In a few moments Hawks was able to see a black horse approaching, it’s rider a tall an ominous figure wearing a frown. Of course it was Enji. 

      “What the hell are you doing out here?” He yelled as he approached. Hawks shivered on the saddle. 

      “Oh you know, just out for a ride, on a horse that won’t listen to me, in the rain, so I can get struck by lightning.” The sarcasm dripped from his words as he fumed. 

      “You shouldn’t have left the group.” 

      “YOU left the group first!” Hawks pointed his finger at Enji accusingly. “AND you left me!”

      Enji looked remorseful for a second, before his countenance hardened.

      “If you had stayed with the others you would have been fine.” 

      “IF I knew how to control this beast then perhaps I would have, but I cannot ride, and you shoved me up here and-” Hawks stopped himself. “Just- take me home, please.” 

      “You’re soaked to the bone.” Enji observed. 

      “Yes, well it  _ is _ raining.” Hawks spat back, shivering again, against his best efforts to repress it. His exhaustion and lack of sleep the night before was finally taking its toll. 

      “Here.” Enji brought his horse alongside and threw his massive coat over Hawk’s shoulders. It was immensely heavy, but amazingly warm, and it made Hawks want to melt into it. 

      Without saying another word Enji reached out to grab Betsy’s reins and held them in hand to lead her out from under the tree, then giving the reins back to Hawks so he could follow Enji’s trail. 

      “I’m sorry.” Enji said, looking back over his shoulder. 

      “It’s fine, there were more important things on your mind.” Hawks replied sourly. 

      Enji huffed, pulling back on the reins until he and Hawks were again riding side by side. 

      “You don’t approve then?” 

      “Your taste in company is none of my concern Sir.” Hawks refused to meet Enji’s glance and instead concentrated solely on the path before them.

      “Emi would be a good match. Her family is well connected, high society, and of course it would mean good business with France. She is kind, even if she is silly, and I think she would gladly be a mother to Shoto.” 

      “So-” Hawks swallowed, “you are considering marriage then?” 

      “Do you think I should not? I’m not so old that I can’t be married again am I?”

      “No Sir,” Hawks replied, his heart sinking at the thought. 

      “For someone of my station remaining a bachelor, especially one with such young children would be frowned upon.” Enji glanced at Hawks as if trying to gauge his reaction. “Of course if I were to marry again, it might not be good for your position. My wife would most likely wish for Shoto to go away for his schooling.” Hawks bit his bottom lip, blinking rapidly and hoping that the rain disguised his sorrow. 

      He had always known, and told himself many times that there was no future for his affections, but they had grown like rose bushes, full of thorns that only made his heart bleed.

      “I can find another job if need be. I would only ask that you write me a fair recommendation and give me ample time to find a new position.”

      “Of course,” Enji replied as they finally neared the stables. “You have been a fine tutor for Shoto. I think you would excel in any setting. In fact, I may be able to find you an even more advantageous situation, with a home even grander than this to live in.” 

      “I don’t really care about the grandness of the home sir. Only that the people are good and kind.”

      Enji stopped outside the stable gate and dismounted, leading his horse to it’s stable and then turning around to lead Betsy to hers. Hawks sat awkwardly in the saddle unsure of how to go about dismounting. 

      “Here.” Enji stretched out his arms to Hawks and without trepidation Hawks reached out and let himself be gently helped down, Enji’s hands falling on his waist. 

      “Hawks.”

      “Hum?”

      “What’s wrong?” Hawks stared up at Enji. They were barely a foot apart, Enji’s hands still holding him. He hadn’t let go. Hawks had to strain his neck and his eyes to look up and meet Enji’s gaze, and he felt burned by it. Those blue eyes seemed to read his soul, and Hawks didn’t have the energy to lie. 

      “I’m sad.” Hawks admitted with a half hearted laugh, grasping at Enji’s wrists and trying to pry himself free, but Enji held tighter. 

      “Why?”

      “Can I not be sad to leave you?” Hawks paused, “and Shoto and Fuyumi, and this house--- as ghastly as it is at times it’s become my home and I-” Hawks couldn’t go on and instead turned his head away, pulling to break free of Enji’s hold. “Please let me go.” 

      “Hawks.”

     “Please Enji, I can’t-” Hawks choked on the words. Enji pulled Hawks into his chest and Hawks fell into his warmth willingly. They were sheltered where they stood from prying eyes in the stable the rain still echoing on the roof.    “I-I’ve never had a home before.” Hawks muttered into Enji’s shirt, barely more than a whisper. “I don’t know what I’ll find if I am forced to leave you and it scares me. This is the only solid ground I’ve ever known that didn’t hurt to stand on.” 

      “And here I thought you were biding time to fly the coop.” Enji ran a hand gently through Hawks’ hair and he sighed into the touch.  

      “No, I’m afraid that I’ve been caught, and I have no desire to leave.” Hawks pulled back. “That is unless you no longer have use for me.” 

      “Silly bird,” Enji replied quietly, cupping Hawks’ cheek with a hand. “I will always have use for you,” Enji paused, frowning. “I just wish that I could give you more than this imperfect cage to live in.”

      Enji’s thumb stroked idly across his cheek, as he frowned sadly. Hawks reached up to grasp his wrist.

      “Enji- what-” 

      “Did you find him?” A piercing cackle came from the door of the stables, causing Hawks to jump back and Enji to drop his hand to his side, clenching it into a fist.

      “Of course I found him.” Enji bellowed, turning from Hawks and leaving the stable. 

      Hawks leaned against the wooden wall clutching a hand to his chest and willing his heart to calm down. He listened to Enji bicker with Emi until he'd composed himself enough to join them.

      “Goodness Hawks, you need to be more careful, you gave us all quite the fright!” Emi tutted. “You're lucky Enji was able to find you.” 

      “Yes, he- he is too kind. I'm sorry to have been a burden.” Hawks blushed and ducked his head.

      “Tch.” Enji clicked his tongue. Emi watched Enji curiously, her gaze darting between the two men. 

      “Well, if you'll both excuse me, I need to change out of these wet clothes.” Hawks chanced a rushed bow and walked quickly back to the house, his hands shaking as he opened the kitchen door and made his way back to his room. His heart was violently beating and his cheek was still warm from where Enji had touched it. Butterflies erupted in his stomach.

      “Master Hawks!” Shoto suddenly appeared behind him, darting out from the library with a book in hand. “You’re finally back.” Hawks smiled over his shoulder. 

      “Yes, it seems that I am.”

      “You’re all wet!” Hawks laughed and Shoto wrinkled his nose. “Why are you smiling so much?” 

      “I didn’t know I was-” Hawks stopped and took stock of himself.

      “You are and it’s weird, so stop it. You’re going to get sick again.” Hawks turned to continue down the hall, heeding Shoto’s advice with a nod and a wave of his hand. An illness with Enji here to nurse him back to health, if anything he’d welcome the opportunity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for reading <3 and thank you for your comments. They keep me going!


	16. Goodbye Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I looked, and had an acute pleasure in looking,--a precious yet poignant pleasure; pure gold, with a steely point of agony: a pleasure like what the thirst-perishing man might feel who knows the well to which he has crept is poisoned, yet stoops and drinks divine draughts nevertheless.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      “I just can’t believe you hid this from us Enji.” Emi’s voice was too loud for the intimate setting of the library, where she leaned almost salaciously along the front edge of the baby grand piano, wine glass in one hand and the other pressed to her bosom.  

      The evening had begun with Shoto being called in to play his pieces, which gained applause from all the guests and Hawks as well. Fuyumi went next, giving a more mature recital. They both played beautifully, while Hawks sat nestled in the corner away from Enji and the other guests. He was still reeling from their encounter that morning, and hadn’t been able to look him in the eye since, or catch him alone to discuss what was said and more importantly almost said in the stables. As the clock struck nine Shoto was lead by Fuyumi from the library and off to bed.

      Then Enji took his place at the piano, ready to prove his statements from the night before. He rolled up his sleeves and cracked his knuckles, while Hawks held his breath, transfixed as he began to play. Just when he thought he had Enji’s character in place -this happened. As soon as he thought he’d found his footing he was stumbling over again, heart beating wildly, palms sweating, eyes darting. He didn’t want to stare but he couldn’t very well just look away. Enji played with such passion, strict control matched with such emotion. He played Beethoven as it was meant to be performed.

      Hawks would have never dreamed that Enji possessed such musical talent, but there was still so much about Enji’s past that was a mystery. Perhaps Hawks would never know the full extent of his employer's talents, how much he could keep hidden underneath that stoney expression.

      “It’s not fair, you could have played for me every night in Nice.” Emi sighed, pressing the back of her hand to her flushed face.

      “That is precisely why I didn’t care to be found out,” Enji growled, shifting through the sheet music, looking for something. “I’m not a trained monkey.”

      “So how long have you played for?” Yagi asked, leaning forward on his cane with a smile.

      “Since I was five years old.” Enji replied tersely, pulling out the piece he’d been searching for and placing it in front of him with a furrowed brow.

      “And what is this?” Emi ran to peek over Enji’s shoulder, leaning into him purposely. “Oh a Duet!” She raced to put down her glass before coming back to the piano, practically breathing down Enji’s neck. “What’s the key?”

      Enji played a dull chord and almost smirked as Emi whined.

      “That’s too low! I’m a natural soprano can’t you transpose?”

      “Emi- stop irritating our host.” Aizawa warned, rising from his spot on the couch to fetch himself another drink. “I have a headache already, I have no intention of listening to you trying to hit an F.”

      “Fine, I’ll leave it to you gentlemen then.”

      “Oh no-” Yagi laughed. “I am not a singer…” He turned to look at Aizawa.

      “No.” He stated flatly.

      “Hawks can sing!” Shoto piped up from the doorway, still dressed in his nightclothes and robe.

      “You are supposed to be in bed.” Enji scolded, turning from the bench to stand. Shoto hung back from the doorway.

      “I wanted to hear you play more father- I never get to.”

      “I’ll take him back to his room sir.” Hawks stood from his chair with a sigh and walked to Shoto, shaking his head.

      “No-” Enji sat back down heavily. “He can stay, but only for a song.” Shoto shot Hawks a wicked grin and walked further into the room, finally settling on the couch near Mr. Yagi. Hawks turned to make his way back to his chair.           “Don’t stand over there Hawks, you need to see the music.” Hawks coughed roughly into his fist and made his way to the piano shooting Shoto a accusatory glare. “Do you need to warm up?” Enji asked, turning to glance at Hawks over his shoulder, blue eyes almost twinkling with mischief.

      “If this is your idea of a joke it isn’t funny.” Hawks whispered tersely.

      “I’ll take that as a no then.”

      Hawks cleared his throat again and hummed a bit, glancing at the music.

      “Are you ready-” Enji smirked.

      “I suppose-” Hawks gritted from between his teeth.

      Enji shook his sleeves and began, nodding to Hawks as he was supposed to enter, and to Hawk’s delight his voice didn’t crack.

 

_Dusk, and the shadows falling,_

_O'er land and sea;_

_Somewhere a voice is calling,_

_Calling for me!_

 

      Hawks couldn’t help but get caught up in the music. Enji was a perfect accompanist. He tried to keep his eyes on the music, but his vision was inevitably drawn to Enji’s strong hands as they lithely graced the keys.

 

_Night and the stars are gleaming,_

_Tender and true;_

_Dearest! my heart is dreaming,_

_Dreaming of you!_

 

      And all too soon it was over. Shoto began clapping loudly from the couch and Yagi and Emi soon joined him. Aizawa seemed to be contemplating something, but Hawks didn’t have time to fully observe his expression as he was caught around the waist by Shoto.

      “Do another please. Just one more, then I promise I’ll go to bed.”

      “No.” Enji replied sternly.

      “Please.” Shoto turned and bravely grasped Enji’s arm. Enji acted like the touch had almost burned him. His eyes widened and his expression softened.

      “One more then.” Enji turned to another piece. “Hawks?”

      Hawks stared at the music and swallowed. The piece was longer, slower, and definitely one that Hawks had been intimately acquainted with. To be frank, he loved this song, as melancholy as the words were. They seemed to perfectly fit Hawks’ inevitable fate.

      “I’m ready-” Lord help him.

  


_Falling lead and fading tree,_

_Line of white in a sullen sea,_

_Shadows rising on you and me,_

_Shadows rising on you and me._

 

_The swallows are making them ready to fly,_

_Wheeling out on a windy sky…_

_Good-bye, Summer!_

_Good-bye! Good-bye!_

_Good-bye, Summer!_

_Good-bye! Good-bye!_

 

      Hawks caught his breath for a minute as the accompaniment continued, clasping his hands behind his back tightly. Enji was perfect, the form of his hands moving over the keys, the subtle adjustment in tempo. He knew to wait when Hawks stumbled, and he caught him just as easily as he always had.

 

_Hush! A voice from the far-away!_

_“ Listen and learn,” it seems to say,_

_“All the tomorrows shall be as today,_

_All the tomorrows shall be as today.”_

 

_The cord is frayed, the crust is dry,_

_The link must break, and the lamp must die…_

_Good-bye, to Hope!_

_Good-bye! Good-bye!_

_Good-bye, to Hope!_

_Good-bye! Good-bye!_

 

      His eyes began to burn at the refrain, his composure beginning to break, as the song began to intensify.

 

_What are we waiting for? Oh! My heart!_

_Kiss me straight on the brows! And part!_

_Again! Again! My heart! My heart!_

_Again! Again! My heart! My heart!_

 

_What are we waiting for, you and I?_

_A pleading look, a stifled cry;_

_Good-bye forever!_

_Good-bye forever!_

_Good-bye, Good-bye!_

_Good-bye!_

 

      Hawks blinked the wetness in his eyes away. The song had struck too near to his heart. He stared down at his shoes for a moment, willing a false smile onto his lips, but it wouldn’t stay.

      This time instead of applause the room was filled with a strange sort of silence and Hawks suddenly felt naked.

      “Thank you father.” Shoto whispered.

      “Bed now Shoto.” Enji closed the lid of the piano. Fearing the well lit room would give his errant emotions away, Hawks took this as his exit. He grabbed Shoto by his wrist and left the library.

      Hawks had nearly made it back to his room when he heard heavy footfalls behind him.

      “Hawks-” It was Enji. Hawks kept walking.

      “Stop.” Enji bellowed and Hawks halted in the hall, but refused to turn, cursing his luck at being caught so near Enji’s room. “We need to talk bird.”

      “I’m tired-”

      “Well so am I.” Enji cut him off with a huff, walking around to face Hawks and essentially blocking him from continuing to his room.

      “You’ve left your guests without a host.”

      “They can manage themselves.” Enji opened the door to his room and gestured for Hawks to enter. Hawks complied, entering into Enji’s small room and leaning up against the dresser, tucking himself out of the way. Enji shut the door behind them.

      The room remained tidy and barren. Enji had moved in a few of his other belongings, some books mostly. It made Hawks starkly aware of how recent the fire was, and of all the questions he still had.

      “I am not a good man Hawks.” Enji began pacing at the edge of the bed, the only other space in the small room where he could easily stand without crowding Hawks. His face was clouded with a grimace as if the words themselves tasted bitter on his tongue. “There are many things I’ve done in my youth I was not proud of, many mistakes I’ve made along the way and I’ve dealt with the consequences as best I could.” Enji rubbed between his eyes with his hand and Hawks bit his lip. “I have a duty to my family and my station, and as such I had planned to fulfill that duty by asking for Emi’s hand at the end of their visit.

      Hawks felt like he’d been struck. He could barely focus on Enji’s words while keeping his emotions from his face. So this was about a proposal? Of course it was. Hawks felt the heat rising in his cheeks, angry at himself for ever fantasizing any other outcome.

      “If you’ve made up your mind sir, my presence here is hardly necessary.” Hawks pushed himself off the dresser and took a step towards the door, but Enji shifted to block his exit.

      “She is desirable, wealthy, well educated-” Enji winced. “even though I feel no love for her- the marriage could be happy. She certainly desires me, and as her husband I would do well by her.”

      All those things were true. Hawks had made that argument a million times in his head by now. He certainly didn’t need to stand here and hear Enji say the same.

      “Your point sir?” Hawks fisted his hands at his side, purposely avoiding Enji’s gaze.

      “I don’t love her Hawks.” Something in Enji’s voice was softer as he said it, but Hawks was too worried to notice the implication. He sighed and ran a troubled hand through his hair with a tight laugh.

      “I never really took you for a romantic Sir. But if you wish to marry for love, then I hope that you find it.” He tried to take a step around Enji, but he was once again blocked.

      “ _Thomas_.” The unfamiliar name sent a shiver down his spine. He blanched and looked up, meeting Enji’s gaze, a gaze that tore through him down to the bone. Suddenly the room was far too small and intimate and Hawks was hyper aware of the few feet of space between himself and his employer. “Ever since I met you you’ve puzzled me.” Hawks went still and Enji took a step toward him. “From the first day I laid eyes on you, in the lane, when you helped me to my horse and scolded me, I knew then I couldn’t forget you. It was as if you were placed into my life to torment me. Then when I knew you more and saw how much joy you brought into my home and to my children, it made me think perhaps I’d judged too quickly.” Enji smiled softly. “When you were ill I found I couldn’t sleep unless I assured you were taken care of. Apart from my own children, no one else has ever made me-” Enji swallowed, his smile fading for a moment. “I-I’m a selfish greedy man Hawks. I don’t love easily but-” He reached for Hawks’ hand slowly, and Hawks let him take it, too stunned to do anything else. Hawks’ fingers were dwarfed by Enji’s palm, swallowed up in the soft heat. He was rooted to the floor like a tree.

      “You’re still so young Hawks, you have your entire life ahead of you. What is it that you want?” Hawks glanced from their clasped hands up into Enji’s eyes and then back down again. He could feel his stomach trying to claw its way up his throat.

      “I-I have no right to ask for anything, your plans for Emi are all I ever had a right to expect.” He stammered out, barely breathing, as he felt Enji take another step.

      “The plans I had, Hawks, for upon returning here the reality of where my affections lie became all to clear.”

      “I- I can’t…” Hawks began to pull away.

      “Then I will ask for us both.” Enji grasped Hawks’ arm. “Stay with me and be mine.” Hawks mouth fell open, his tongue flat and useless, he could scarcely believe what he’d heard.

      “Y-yours?”

      “Yes, my little bird. Mine, my companion, my lover-”

      “But not your husband.” Hawks drew his arm back and Enji raised both eyebrows with a shocked chuckle. He traced his thumb across Hawk’s cheek.

      “Is that the nest that you require, a marriage bed and nothing less?” Hawks bit his bottom lip as Enji pressed him closer to the wall, heat radiating from his body.

      “I will certainly not allow myself to be used without promise and then cast away.” Hawks replied, finally finding his resolve, although every fiber of his being longed to allow himself the indulgence of the man before him.

      “Is that what you think of my character Hawks? That I would take you and then throw you out of my home?”

      “That’s not fair.” Hawks bristled. “You have everything over me and I have nothing to force you to keep your word.” Enji smiled.  

      “Sometimes I forget that you are still so young and inexperienced.”

      “I doubt age would change my mind, Sir.” Enji frowned, tucking a stray hair behind Hawks ear. “Fine, marriage it is then. Do you want a ring as well? And flowers and cake and announcements?”

      Hawks went pale at the idea, nerves eating at his stomach. What would Shoto think of him? What would society think of them? Hawks was over twenty years his senior, and not only that, Enji was far above Hawks’ station. It would be a scandal if it were announced in the paper.

      “I’m teasing Hawks,” Enji reached to grab his hands. “This doesn’t need to be said outside this room until you are ready.” Hawks meekly nodded, blinking rapidly as everything outside of Enji fell away in a swirl of emotions.

      “Hawks,” He said more tenderly, drawing him near, and tilting up his chin with his fingers. “Will you grant me one more thing?” Hawks toes curled in his boots, he couldn’t find his voice to talk. This must have been a dream, some foolish fever had him. He would wake up in a few hours with a sore throat in his own bed and all of this would vanish. There was no way that Enji, _his_ Enji had just asked for his hand.

      “Anything,” Hawks whispered, inches away from Enji's lips. Blue eyes looked down at him, half lidded. Enji parted his lips, as if to reply, but instead of words Hawks found the hot velvet push of Enji's mouth against his. A moan escaped him, unbidden, as Enji's hand dove into his hair and his other arm wrapped tightly around his waist.

      Hawks stumbled his feet in retreat and Enji came with him, tumbling backward into the dresser with a solid thump. It didn't stop them though. Their hands were on each other, Hawks burying his fingers into Enji's shoulders and Enji practically lifting Hawks from the floor as he kissed him thoroughly, forgoing all semblance of gentleness.

      Hawks had never been kissed before, but he realized quickly practice wasn't important. No, his soul seemed to guide his mouth well enough. His nose crushed into Enji's cheek, raking along the stubble there. Enji’s mouth tasted of wine and he smelled like wool with tobacco smoke caught in it. Heavy breaths fell between them as Hawks pulled back for half a second, mouth still open and almost choking on the air as he willed himself to breathe normally. Enji pulled away, burying his face into Hawks hair, and Hawks leaned into his warmth.

      With his ear pressed to Enji’s chest he could make out his thunderous heartbeat, and he knew that he wasn’t the only one so affected by their passion.

      The ceiling creaked above them and Hawks froze.

      “What’s wrong?” Enji stroked a comforting hand along his back.

      “Nothing.” Hawks muttered into his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering. The songs I referenced here are real and were popular during the mid 1800's  
> The song Hawks sings you can find [here](http://www.victorianweb.org/mt/parlorsongs/32.html)  
> Thank you for suffering through the delay. I am leaving town next weekend so I can't guarantee that I will have the next chapter up on time, but I will try :)   
> Also thank you again for all your wonderful comments. They give me so much motivation. <3 <3 <3


	17. Affianced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “All my heart is yours, sir: it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever.”   
> ― Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

      “When are they going to leave?” Shoto grumbled into his palm. It had been a long morning and he seemed to be at the end of his tolerance for company, not that Hawks could blame him. 

      “Do you want our guests gone so soon?” He chided.

      “They’ve been here almost four weeks now!” Shoto replied pointedly, his gaze drifting from his textbook and over to the window of the library. The late spring sun had begun to warm the house and most days now they left the windows open to keep the heat from stifling them.

      Hawks smiled to himself. Honestly, he couldn’t wait for them to be on their way either, not that he didn’t enjoy the company of Yagi and even Aizawa at times, but he had much to look forward to in the coming weeks that couldn’t even begin to be planned until they had exited the premises. He’d only been able to steal a few precious moments with Enji since their discussion, moments that left Hawks’ lips raw and his heart pounding. Passionate didn’t even begin to describe the way Enji held him. Hawks felt like he was going to be crushed into dust in his arms, and honestly he would have happily welcomed it. 

      For the first time in his life Hawks felt wanted. If Enji and himself were in a room together he could feel the presence of Enji’s gaze heavily on his back, especially on those evenings when the five of them were seated in the parlor. Emi was oblivious, and Yagi was too innocent to have connected the dots, but Aizawa. Well, even if he suspected something there was nothing he could do about it. 

      “Hawks?” 

      “Hum?”

      “I don’t know this word-” Shoto pushed the book across the table and pointed to the page. 

      “Oh, um affianced, means going to be married.” Shoto smiled mischievously and took the book back across the table. The library door opened.     

      “Isn’t it lunchtime?” 

      “Yes!” Shoto shot up from the seat, nearly knocking over the inkwell, before bounding past Enji and out of the room. Hawks turned in his seat as Enji shut the door. 

      “Well that was quick. Where you torturing the boy Hawks?” 

      “No more than usual.” Hawks replied, standing to tidy up their work. Enji approached him and pinned him against the table from behind, wrapping an arm around Hawks’ waist and pressing a swift kiss to his cheek. 

      “And you bird, are you hungry too?” Hawks shivered involuntarily. 

      “I’m sure I could eat.” He replied slyly, tilting his head back into Enji’s shoulder and letting the man ravage his mouth. Enji’s hands had become more bold and Hawks wasn’t always good at dissuading him. They palmed at his stomach, solid and warm, pressing him back into Enji’s bulk. 

      “I am dragging you to the church the minute these fools are gone.” Enji growled into his ear, finally letting Hawks free to breathe. 

      “Impatient?”

      “Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough?” Hawks turned in his arms so they were pressed chest to chest and rose up on his toes to kiss his brow. 

      “I think we both have.” Hawks replied, and Enji cupped his cheek with a sigh. Enji looked at Hawks somberly, like there was something else he wanted to say but he was holding back. That look appeared more and more on his face recently, but before Hawks could ask, he’d dropped his hand and taken a step back from the table. 

      “I was thinking of France for the honeymoon. What do you think?”

      “But what about Shoto?” 

      “What about him? He needs a summer recess, just like all children do. Three weeks and you’ll be back to teach again.” 

      Hawks had always dreamed of going to France, going to France for his honeymoon after marrying Enji sounded like a fantasy. 

      “I still have trouble believing all of this is real sometimes.” Hawks said almost to himself as he stepped to the window, letting the warm breeze wash over him. 

      “Do I need to be more forward with my affections?” Enji asked coming to stand at his side. 

      “No,” Hawks shook his head, “The fault lies in my mind.” Enji grabbed his hand and pulled him into his chest. Hawks sighed against him, almost too hot, wrapped in his arms and standing in the sunlight as they were. 

      Suddenly the library door opened again. Hawks shot back from Enji, colliding with the wall as both men turned to see Fuyumi standing in the doorway aghast. Hawks face turned scarlet, his mouth opening like a fish. 

      “E-excuse me father, Hawks- I -um. I was just coming to let you know that lunch is ready.” 

      “Thank you Fuyumi,” Enji replied the picture of control. She nodded and gently closed the door in retreat. Hawks felt his soul leaving his body.

      “Don’t worry,” Enji said. “I’ll talk to her.”

      “But-”

      “Hawks,” Enji turned to him. “She would have found out soon enough. I don’t plan on stretching this engagement out a day more than I have to.” 

      Hawks nodded, trying to calm himself. He knew that they would inevitably have to announce their relationship to Enji’s children, he’d just hoped to do it in a way that was less, shocking. 

      The final week of their guest’s stay was filled with extravagant dinners and even more drinking. Fuyumi distanced herself from Hawks, which affected him more than he thought it would. He wasn’t exactly sure what issue she had with their relationship, although growing up without a father or mother failed to give him proper perspective. If Fuyumi was the more mature one, he paled to think of how Shoto would react when it came time to break the news to him. 

      Enji assured him everything would be fine in time, and Hawks blindly believed him. Afterall, Enji probably knew his daughter better than Hawks did. The last thing Hawks wanted to do was sew more discord in the family. Infact, he’d hoped that his imminent union with Enji would result in the opposite. He’d grown incredibly fond of Shoto and the prospect of being present in his life as a more permanent fixture delighted Hawks. 

      The final evening after their last round of cards Mr. Aizawa caught Hawks as they left the parlor. 

      “Hawks, might I have a word?” 

      “Of course.” Hawks spared a furtive glance at Enji and followed Mr. Aizawa into the dining room. 

      “We’re leaving tomorrow,” Mr. AIzawa began with a frown, “and I wanted you to know that both Mr. Yagi and I have enjoyed your company immensely.” He stopped for a moment, then continued at a lower volume. “I’ve know Enji for many years, I’d venture to say I know him better than you do, but I doubt you’ll believe me.” He sighed, “If there ever comes a time where you need help Hawks, if you need anything at all, I want you to know that you will have a place with Mr. Yagi and I.” Aizawa handed Hawks a slip of paper. “This is my contact information. If nothing else you can send a Christmas card.” He added, a bit more light heartedly, but there was still a glint of worry in his eyes that threw Hawks off. 

      “Thank you Sir. It was a pleasure meeting you as well, and I will keep this in mind.” Hawks forced a smile and pocketed the note. 

      That evening Hawks placed the note with his things, trying to decipher what the hell Aizawa had meant by all that. Why would the man who seemingly wanted Enji to marry his cousin, be so concerned with Hawks’ well being with the same man? Especially when, as far as Hawks knew, none of the guests were privy to their impending union.  He smiled sourly. Part of him wished they could announce it, just so he could see Emi’s face when she found out, but that was cruel of him to think. 

      The next day, he tried to keep the glee from his face as they helped their guests to pack and saw them off in their carriage. Emi caused a scene, crying into her handkerchief and hugging everyone, but as soon as they had left the commotion calmed down and even though Hawks was grateful to see them gone the house did seem a bit more empty than before.

      He returned to his room just after dinner that evening to find a great black box laying on his bed with a card attached to the top by a red silk ribbon. His name was written in small precise script on the front. Locking the door behind him, he made his way to the bed and snatched the note with shaking fingers. 

 

_ If you must wear something  _

_ before me wear this, _

_ When I give you my heart  _

_ and seal vows with a kiss.  _

 

      Hawks held the note for a few moments, then placed it solemnly on the bed and moved to open the box. The wrapping paper crinkled as the lifted up the top. Nestled underneath the fine tissue was a black suit jacket, and beneath it was a pair of smart black pants, and beneath that was- Hawks blushed, vision nearly doubling as he noticed the new undergarments. He’d been dressed top to bottom by Enji without even being consulted. 

      He thumbed the fabric of the jacket. This was finer than anything he’d borrowed from Touya’s wardrobe, finer than anything he’d even ever seen Enji wear. How did Enji get this made so quickly? He shook his head and went to his dresser to hang up the suit. He placed the undergarments in his drawer and slide the empty box back under his bed, then turned and fell back on the mattress, note in hand. 

      He would marry Enji and be whisked off to France where he would probably end up being spoiled for the world. Enji seemed to not understand when to say no. His gaze raked the room and fell on his desk where Aizawa’s note from earlier still lay, sticking crookedly out from one of his favorite books. A knot worried in Hawks’ stomach, edging doubt into his thoughts. This was sudden. Hawks had been in love with Enji for months but-

      “Hawks?” Enji’s call and a quiet knock came from Hawks’ bedroom door. He shot up from the bed, putting the note on the nightstand and then turning to let Enji in.

      Enji had already changed out of his jacket and was in his dressing gown. His loose sleep shirt open to expose the upper half of his chest. Hawks felt himself blush as Enji entered the room. 

      “Did you like it?” Enji asked, his brow furrowing as he noted the box was no longer on the bed. 

      “Yes, of course, Enji it’s perfect.” Hawks replied. 

      “Good, we don’t have time to change it now. I’ve already talked to the parish, they’ll be expecting us tomorrow morning after breakfast.  

      “So soon?”

      “Is that a problem?” Enji raised an eyebrow. 

      “No- I just didn’t-” Hawks trailed off, looking at the floor. Enji grabbed him by the chin and pulled his gaze up. He leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to Hawks’ lips. 

      “I’ve never been this happy.” He breathed out into Hawks’ hair as he pulled away. “Sleep well Hawks.” 

      “Sleep well, Enji.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last update was late, now this one is early. Maybe next week I can make it back to Wednesday on time. Also wish me luck tomorrow I've got a long drive ahead of me and what looks to be a very rainy weekend out of town :)
> 
> Oh, and enjoy this chapter because I'm pretty sure everyone will hate me after the next one! :D


	18. Dearly Beloved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Reader, I married him.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks woke the next morning with butterflies in his stomach. He’d tossed and turned the night before excited and scared and still a little unbelieving that any of this was happening. To think that by that evening he would be Enji’s husband was like a dream come true, and then to think of their wedding night and the honeymoon. Well, that was another thing all together. 

      Hawks had a vague idea of what was in store for him. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew how things worked, but to think of doing those things with Enji, it made his pulse race and his face burn. He only hoped that he could live up to Enji’s expectations. 

      The sun was hardly up by the time he’d washed himself thoroughly and changed into casual clothes to go down for breakfast. It was a quiet meal, all things considered. Hawks could barely swallow it over his nerves. Shoto barely said a word and Fuyumi kept her mouth pressed in a firm line. Enji seemed happy, but there was a tenseness to his frame that almost seemed to Hawks like something was off. Once their plates were cleared Hawks retreated to his room to change. 

      He pulled off his casual suit and re-dressed in his wedding attire, noting that the garments fit him perfectly. He combed and wet his hair again, trying to keep the unruly waves at bay and succeeding for the most part. It was a Saturday so there were no lessons to be had with Shoto and he hoped to avoid the boy’s presence as he walked quickly down the hall and to the front stairs, where Enji was waiting with the carriage. As he rounded the last bend of the stairwell he met Fuyumi. Her eyes appraised him, wide with surprise and realization. 

      He bowed to her quickly, about to explain, but he didn’t have the words. Surely she knew what was happening. Enji had promised to tell her. Her mouth opened and closed once and then she looked at the ground and shook her head sadly continuing up the stairs. Hawks felt like he’d had a bucket of ice water dumped over his head. He was hoping for her approval at least, afterall she was one of the ones who knew him best, her and Shoto. He turned flew the rest of the way down the staircase. 

      He found Enji just outside the front door, dressed smartly and waiting for him, with the carriage ready. Enji was dressed in a fine black suit. It fitted his broad shoulders well and pinched in at his waist, the tails of his coat hitting just above his knee. Golden cufflinks with pearl inlay adorned his cuffs and an ivory cravat was situated under his chin. It was the best dressed Hawks had ever seen him and he wondered if he too had ordered a special suit for the occasion.

      Enji smirked as Hawks looked him up and down, then extended his hand and handed Hawks in first to the carriage. He barked an order to the driver and then settled himself beside Hawks, reaching for his hand. 

      “Are you nervous?” 

      “Of course I am.” Hawks squeezed Enji’s hand tighter. “Did you talk to Fuyumi?” Enji averted his gaze to the window. 

      “I did.” He replied shortly. Hawks felt a bubble of doubt well up, but he pushed it to the back of his mind. Perhaps the conversation had not gone as well as intended. 

      Hawks sighed and unbuttoned his coat leaning back into the seat and daring to rest against Enji’s shoulder. The ride to the local parish took just under twenty minutes. They arrived before noon, and were greeted at the door by the pastor, a short stout man with greying hair and a wormy complexion. Enji left the carriage first, helping Hawks to exit before reaching into his breast pocket and pulling out a bundle of papers to hand to the pastor. Their driver took the carriage around the side of the church and tied down the horses. 

      “That’s everything? We can start now?”

      “Yes it all seems to be in order.” The priest looked between Enji and Hawks with a tight smile and then turned to escort them into the small church. 

      Sunlight broke through the quaint stained glass window above the church door, drenching the aisle with colorful light as they made their way to the pulpit. It was twee, with a plain stone floor, white washed walls and simple wooden pews lining each side, each disparagingly empty in lieu of their wedding day. Hawks supposed if he hadn’t been an orphan maybe he would have been lucky enough to have family present today. There was still a part of him that wished for Enji’s family to be present, but then again with the look Fuyumi had given him, maybe that wasn’t a good idea after all. 

      The pastor unfolded the papers Enji had handed him and sat them at the low table in front of the pulpit. 

      “I’ll need you to sign here,” he indicated a dotted line and handed Hawks a quill. Hawks glanced up at Enji looking for a smile, but found the man to be frowning instead. He swallowed and looked back at the paper, praying that his hand didn’t shake as he signed his name in his best script.  _ Thomas Edward Hawks. _

      “Fine, and you Sir.” Enji snatched the quill from Hawks’ hand and quickly signed his name, abruptly dropping it back into the ink pot. 

      “Can we continue?” Enji asked. The pastor narrowed his eyes. 

      “We’ll need the witness present.” Just as he spoke the church door opened again and their driver scuttled down the aisle, taking a seat in one of the pews not too far from the door. 

      “Now we can begin.” The pastor said pointedly as he gestured for Hawks and Enji to stand facing each other in front of the pulpit.  Enji grasped Hawks’ hand tightly, and Hawks tried to reassure him, squeezing back as best he could. Enji let his thumb drift over the back of Hawks’ hand lovingly as the ceremony began. 

 

_       “Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to join these men in holy matrimony.  _

_ Do you Enji, take Thomas to be your husband, to live together in holy matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as you both shall live?” _

 

      “I do.” Enji’s deep voice rumbled into existence in the emptiness of the church. The pastor nodded and turned to Hawks. 

_       " And do you Thomas, take Enji to be your husband, to live together in holy matrimony, to love him, to honor him, to comfort him, to keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as you both shall live? _

 

      “I-I do.” Hawks stuttered, gripping Enji’s fingers ever tighter between his own. 

 

      The pastor smiled, and Hawks felt a grin split his face. He turned to Enji and found the merriment reflected in his eyes. 

 

      “ _ Then by the power vested in me under God, I now pronounce you-” _

 

      “STOP!” The doors at the back of the church flew open a haggered man standing between them. Hawks felt the blood rush from his face, Enji’s hand clenching his so hard it hurt. 

      “Continue with the ceremony.” Enji snapped at the Pastor. 

      “I cannot continue, when someone has objected. They need to be heard.” Enji growled, turning to glare at the man as he approached the pulpit.  

      He looked nearly homeless, a ragged suit worn with age hung loosely from his frame. His hair was a wild mess of jet black tangles, and his face was badly pox marked, but there was something scarrily familiar in his turquoise eyes that made Hawks feel like he’d seen him before somewhere. The man grinned stupidly up at Enji as he approached them. His manic expression chilled Hawks to the bone. Enji wrinkled his nose in disgust and pulled Hawks behind him. 

      “You cannot proceed with this wedding, for you see my father is already married.” 

      Hawks gasped, he stumbled away from Enji watching in horror as Enji roared and grabbed the other man up by the front of his jacket nearly lifting him off the floor. 

      “Sir, control yourself, this is a house of God.” The pastor intervened, pushing between them as his alleged son cackled. 

      “Don’t worry gentlemen, it’s nothing I haven’t borne before. Father did always have quite the temper.” Enji dropped him, turning away in disgust. 

      “I suppose you have a reason to resurface and attempt to ruin my happiness Touya, have you run out of money again?”

      “It’s Dabi- I buried your name when you cast me out. And as much as it is my pleasure to cause you discomfort, no, I’m here to speak for my mother, as she is not able to speak for herself.” Dabi glanced Hawks, looking him up and down for the first time with a hysterical laugh. “I knew you had perverse tastes father, but really, he’s younger than I am. Did he even know?” Hawks felt physically ill. This couldn’t possibly be true? Why would Enji have lied to him?

      “Of course not.” Enji replied, turning to look at the priest. “The boy is innocent.”

      “Bigamy is a crime, Mr. Todoroki.” The priest shook his head, “One that I cannot easily overlook, even if it was poorly attempted.” Enji took a step back, scanning the room. 

      “You all would judge me based on the words of this demon. Then come,” he gripped the pastor by the arm and gestured to the door. “You can all see this so called  _ wife _ of mine.” 

      Hawks watched, still in shock as Enji escorted the pastor out of the chapel. He glanced back over at the marriage papers that still laid on the table, the ink just barely having dried, before turning and following the others to the carriage. Hawks was shoved into sitting by the priest while Enji fumed, glaring out the window and not saying a word. Hawks bit the inside of his mouth bloody to keep himself from crying. It was hard to tell which emotion would win the war, his rage or his sorrow. The drive ended without Enji having spoken a word to either of them, and Hawks was shocked to find himself back at the estate. 

      Enji threw open the carriage door and ran out. Touya pulled up in a smaller black buggy, he had a companion with him, who stayed with the horse as the crazed young man almost skipped up the front steps of the estate. 

      “Home sweet home.” Dabi mocked looking around the estate as Hawks and the pastor took up the rear of the procession. 

      Enji threw open the front door in a huff, leading them up the grand staircase. 

      “Touya?” Fuyumi’s hushed gasp caught Hawks’ ear as he turned to see her staring shocked at Dabi. Shoto stood in front of her with a frown on his face, questions in his eyes that Hawks could not even begin to answer.  Dabi turned to look at Shoto with a smirk, tilting his head to the side as a grin split his face. He laughed and opened his mouth as if to speak, but Enji caught him by the back of the collar and forced him up the stairs. 

      “Take Shoto to his room.” Enji hissed at Fuyumi as they continued up the stairs. 

      They reached the second floor landing and turned down to the servant’s stairs. Hawks had never explored this part of the house. They weaved back, past older rooms used only for storage and finally to a locked door that led up a small spiral staircase to the attic. At the top of the stairs sat a burly woman, knitting away. 

      “How is she?” He asked. The woman looked up at Enji, and then with a questioning glance at the others he’d brought with him. 

      “She’s been restless today, I’d be on guard.” Enji nodded, taking the keys from her and unlocking the attic door. 

      “Mother!” Dabi called out, pushing past Enji into the room. Not a moment after he’d entered Hawks heard a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of a scuffle. Enji rushed into the room, followed by the servant, while Hawks and the pastor exchanged a weary glance before Hawks found his nerve and looked around the door frame.

      A woman dressed in a white nightgown, hair like snow falling to her waist, was clinging to Dabi, clawing and snarling at him, one hand in his hair. Enji had his arms around her waist, attempting to pull her off him, while the servant tried to hold her hands back as she kicked and scratched in vain. It was like watching a wild animal attack. Nothing about the way she moved was human. Eventually they were able to separate them and sit her in a chair, holding her into it with padded leather straps to keep her from causing any more damage. 

      Dabi stood across the room staring at her wide eyed, blood running down his cheek from where she scratched at him. 

      “What have you done to her?”

      “She’s insane Touya. She always was.” Enji panted, as his wife thrashed against her restraints.  

      “It was never this bad-”

      “You never saw it at its worst. I tried to hide it from you for as long as I could.” 

      “Perhaps if you hadn’t locked her up here-” Dabi spat.

      “What would you have me do Touya, let her out, give her another chance to kill your brother?”

      “My name is Dabi.” He looked around the room disgusted. “There were better ways to go about this.”

      “What send her to an institution? You protested it so much, called me a monster when you left for even thinking of that, or don’t you remember?” Enji spoke lowly.

      “I remember your selfishness father, your fear of anyone finding out how ruined our family was. You cared more about your image than you cared for any of us.”  Enji didn’t reply. He simply stared at his wife, almost like he didn’t recognize her. Rei continued to fight her restraints, her head lolling back over the chair as she scanned the room. Her wide grey eyes finally fell on Hawks, her pupils dilating as a smile grew on her face.  

      “How pretty, how pretty, what a handsome young man, just like my baby. Where is my baby Enji? Where did you put him?” Rei began to babble and the pastor gasped covering his mouth with his hand, obviously horrified.

      “Mother, it’s me Touya, remember?” Dabi pleaded desperately, daring to take another step toward her. Rei looked up at him but her eyes didn’t focus, her vision drifted back up to the ceiling. Enji glanced over to the priest. 

      “So now you see my  _ wife _ sir.” Enji grimaced. “This is what our marriage has been, the past four years, and will likely be until the day she meets the sweet release of death.” Rei cackled maniacally her voice bouncing off the rafters. “I hardly consider it a marriage, her insanity annulled what little was there to begin with.”

      “Mother-” Dabi whispered again, just under his breath. Hawks had to turn away. He couldn’t look anymore. He felt light headed, to see her now and to know how close she had been before. Those noises in the attic, the person standing over him, the candle in the hall. Hawks shivered involuntarily, clutching at the wall as he knees began to go weak. 

      Enji noticed the movement, turning to lend Hawks his arm, but Hawks pushed him away. 

      “Sirs, I suggest you leave. If you excite her further I’m worried she will become more violent.” The servant stated as Rei nashed her teeth together, spittle dripping down to her chin. 

      Dabi looked at the blood on his hand and pulled out his handkerchief to press it to his face. 

      Hawks turned, still holding on the wall, to follow the pastor from the room. Enji and Dabi following behind them. 

      “We’ll bandage your wounds before you’re off.” Enji stated. 

      “I don’t need your help old man.” Dabi seethed, but Hawks could hear the crackle in his voice. Hawks felt dizzy, his stomach rebelled against it’s breakfast as he stumbled down the stairs. When they reached the grand staircase he turned to head back to his room, walking as if in a fog. Enji grabbed him by the arm. 

      “I’ll meet with you shortly.” He whispered, before heading downstairs with the others. 

      Hawks continued on to his room as if in a dream, pushing the door closed and locking it behind him just as his panicked tears began to roll down his cheeks. He began ripping at his suit, popping the buttons accidentally when they caught on his clumsy fingers, and letting the pieces of silk and linen fall in a mess on the floor around him until he was only wearing his undergarments. He felt the expensive cotton between his fingers, the ivory buttons mocked him with their finery. It was lies, all of it. Hawks kicked his clothing away from him and threw himself hopelessly on the mattress, burying his face into the pillow. For the first time since he’d come into the house he felt trapped. He wanted nothing more than to be rid of it. To be rid of all of it. He wished he’d never come here, wished he’d never met Enji, wished he’d never given away his heart, because he knew now there was no way to get it back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize, but I feel like by now you should have known that this was coming :)


	19. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I have little left in myself -- I must have you. The world may laugh -- may call me absurd, selfish -- but it does not signify. My very soul demands you: it will be satisfied, or it will take deadly vengeance on its frame.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks woke to knocking on his door. It was late, he’d slept most of the day. The sun was already down, his room lost in shadows, not even a candle burning at his nightstand. His face felt hot and heavy with the heat of crying. He turned from the bed and put on his robe, willing his feet to move him to the door with the last bit of energy he had, but once he reached for the handle he found he didn’t have the strength couldn’t open it. There was a knot in his gut, a wall up around his heart that refused to let him be wounded again.

      “Hawks, are you awake?” Enji’s voice was soft but insistent. “I need to speak with you, let me in.” Hawks felt trapped, betrayed by both Enji and his own heart, furious that Enji let him go on believing that they could really be together, that he kept the secret of his wife from him. Enji knocked again more insistent.

      “Hawks I know you’re in there and you can hear me. You have until the count of ten, or I will break in this damn door.”

      The anger and irritation was almost refreshing. Enji sounded like himself again, but Hawks was still too upset to let him have his way. He counted to ten in his head and listened to Enji pace outside. The door was not broken down.

      “Please Hawks.” Enji whispered into the frame. “I know that I have caused you pain, but let me see you.” Hawks felt the tears trying to well up in his eyes again. He rubbed his face furiously with the sleeve of his dressing gown and stealing his resolve, reached to unlock the door. The minute the lock clicked back Enji was pressing into the room and wrapping Hawks up into his arms in a tight hug. Hawks kept his arms at his side, refusing to return the affection, until Enji released him.

      “You look ill, have you eaten?” Enji cupped Hawks’ jaw and Hawks shook his head. “Then I will have the servants bring something up.”

      “No- I cannot stomach anything, it would be a waste.” Hawks batted his hand away.

      “Not even some wine?”

      “No. Please.” Hawks sighed moving to sit on the bed with his face in his hands. Enji poured him a glass of water and brought it over. Hawks sipped from it slowly.

      “I’ve sinned the worst against you.” Enji began. “That was never my intention, to hurt you.”

      “Were you ever going to tell me?”

      “One day, I was sure I would be forced to, but hopefully by then you would have come to love me well enough not to care. She means nothing to me.” Hawks nearly choked on the water.

      “She is your wife-”

      “That woman is barely human.” Enji interjected vehemently. “She cannot be a wife to anyone, save Satan himself.”  

      “She’s ill Enji.” Hawks replied angrily. “What if I were to fall ill as she has, would you cast me out too?”

      “Never.” Enji spat, sitting on the bed and clasping Hawks’ hand in between his. Hawks pulled his hand away.

      "Any why should I believe you?" Hawks muttered facing Enji with a stony countenance. Enji bristled, exasperated. 

      “You’re so stubborn, so righteous, but you still have no idea of the truth. It’s easy for you to judge me as you are. Life has yet to be cruel to you.” Hawks felt his temper flare at the accusation.

      “Life’s cruelty is no excuse for your falsehoods.”

      “Isn’t it? I was young, nineteen when we were married. It was arranged by my father and my older brother. I’d barely met my bride before we were wed. I’d been raised to accept my fate as part of my position and I hoped that in time we could be happy.” Enji sneered. “We were married less than a week and I knew that something was wrong, her attitude fluctuated between nearly catatonic and manic. I tried going to my father, but he waved me off. Before I knew it she was with child and it was too late for me to do anything else.” He rubbed a hand through his hair, frazzled. “You can imagine how surprised I was when the child was born two months earlier than it should have been.”

      “But Touya looks so much like you.” Hawks replied, aghast at the implication.

      “He looks remarkably more like my brother.” Enji replied with a self-deprecating laugh. “My father and my older brother had been in talks for nearly four months with her family about another business deal. Our marriage was the sealing factor, but I was too young and naive to realize it, until it was too late. My father realized the affair was going on and sent my wife, Touya, and I to France for several seasons. Before we left Fuyumi was conceived, but by then she knew that I would never love her, not in the way my brother had. When we returned to England after Fuyumi’s birth she became even more irritable. She talked to herself, her temper would rage and then diminish. We fought, often- she would simply not see reason. Then she left for France and did not return for another two years.”

      “During that time I sent her the funds she needed and worked myself to the bone to keep our separation quiet. My father and brother helped as they could, but did not pity me. Instead they blamed me for her adultery.  She came back from France suddenly and within a few more months I knew why.” Enji rubbed a hand between his brows. “Natsuo was born six months later. He looks so much like Rei, no one has ever questioned his birth, but from how he hates me, he must suspect something.”

      Hawks couldn’t believe it. Words ran from Enji’s lips like water from a spring, and every ounce of pain in them was a lash on Hawks’ heart. He understood why Enji played his cards so close to his chest. Why he was so hesitant to love again, or love at all. It wasn’t an excuse, but with the lies he had lived with, his own dark secret must have paled in comparison.

      “Her tantrums and visions soon became too pronounced for her to leave the house, so I had a physician come and prescribe medications to dull her senses. She slept often and it was enough to tell the children she was only feeling ill. It was a dreadful game, a balancing act to keep it all together, and I’m afraid within it all I was too strict with the children. I was too angry to raise them as they should have been.”

      “Then my brother suddenly passed, when Rei heard she was distraught by it. As foolish as I was I sensed her pain and wished to be a comfort, and she became pregnant with Shoto. That was the last time I acted as a husband to her.”

      “Was there ever anyone else, besides your wife?” Hawks asked, almost embarrassed to pose the question, but at this point he wanted to know everything.

      “Yes,” Enji replied, looking at his hands. “There were some men I knew for a time, but nothing- those years of my life Hawks. I was trying to survive on any happiness I could find. I was not thinking of my future. I didn’t know that one day I would meet you.”

      “I understand,” Hawks could feel the tears beginning to course down his cheeks again. “You find solace where you can, when every day is agony.” He sighed heavily, the puzzles pieces were falling into place slowly, but still there were several questions left unanswered.

      “You told Touya earlier that she’d tried to kill Shoto?” Hawks looked to Enji and he nodded wearily.

      “It was the same night Touya left.”

      “Tell me what happened I need to know it all.” Hawks pressed. Enji swallowed thickly, and then continued.

      “Shoto was barely two, he was the joy of my life, my only son- although I love all Rei’s children, Shoto was my blood. Rei knew that I loved him and she became jealous. I heard him crying in the nursery and came in to see his crib had been set on fire. I tore him from it, and saw the burn across his eye, a small thing for how badly he could have been injured. Then I confronted her. Touya was at an age where he’d come to hate me, as all boys hate their fathers. He took his mother’s side, even after she attacked me with a knife.” Enji grimaced. “I spoke out at him in anger, argued that she needed to be institutionalized, and when he argued against me I alluded to his father being my brother and he fled the house.” Enji shook his head. “I should have never said that, I should have gone after him. Touya had taken after her with his quick temper, but I was worried about Shoto and the other children, and I didn’t think I could control her any longer on my own.”

      So it was a fit of passion, that’s why the room remained untouched, why Touya’s memories haunted the halls, why Shoto didn’t understand his own scars, but Fuyumi would have known. So why had she kept the secret?

      “So you locked their mother in the attic?” Hawks critiqued sharply.

      “I kept her close to her children, as Touya insisted” Enji frowned. “But I told the children she’d gone to a facility, and then later alluded to her passing. It soon became apparent there was no hope of a recovery for her.” Hawks sat stone faced on the bed, battling between anger and bewilderment, and trying desperately to not lose his nerve.  

      “You knew that she had set the fire.” There was an uncomfortable silence.

      “I suspected-” Enji began but Hawks cut him off, his voice raising.

      “That night you went to check that she was still locked up-”

      “Yes-”

      “You let us live with her above our heads in ignorance, knowing she was homicidal.”

      “I told you Hawks-” Enji growled grabbing his shoulders. “I am not a good man. What would you have done?” He shook Hawks harshly. “You mourn a lack of family, but you’ve never known the weight of one!” Hawks’ eyes narrowed, still swimming with tears.

      “And you denied me the truth of yours.” Hawks clutched Enji’s wrists and shoved his hands off of his shoulders. He sighed his anger subsiding. “If I could take your pain away I would, everything that you’ve suffered is too cruel, but why didn’t you tell me earlier? If you were promising your life to me, why not be honest?”

      Enji pinched the bridge of his nose then folded his hands neatly in his lap. “I was ashamed Hawks. I didn’t think you’d want me after knowing my past and- My pride is all I have left so, I lied. I’m so sorry Hawks.” Enji’s voice cracked on his name. “Can you forgive me?”

      Hawks rubbed both hands down his face, smearing away his tears in an effort to think and calm himself. Could he forgive Enji- of course, but that would hardly change the situation he now found himself entrenched in.

      “Of course Enji.” Hawks said simply, and Enji turned to him with wide eyes, for the first time filled with hope.

      “Then be a comfort to me, and let me comfort you.” Enji clutched Hawks close and kissed his forehead, pushing his nose into Hawks’ hair and breathing deeply. He pulled back and began to press kisses to his jaw and down his neck. Hawks felt tears burning in his eyes as he lost himself for only a moment in the pleasure of it, before he found his nerve and pushed Enji away.

      “No- I-I- cannot.” He pulled back. “You’re still married Enji.” Enji dropped his arms, setting his jaw and standing.

      “Married-” He muttered under his breath, clenching his fists. With a snarl of frustration he leapt from the bed and turned to punch the dresser door, splintering it with a sickening crack. “I’ve told you everything, and that is your reply?!”

      “I told you I will not be with you without promise-” Hawks replied, voice shaking at seeing Enji so enraged. Enji turned, running a desperate hand over his face before falling to his knees in front of Hawks.

      “Then I will promise you the world right here. I can promise you my everything right now Hawks. It doesn’t matter where we stand, here or in a church, I promise you my love my faithfulness, my honor, my truth.”

      “It’s not true if you are still married Enji.” Hawks replied softly.

      “So we’re done then.” Enji replied lowly, “You’ve waited until I bore you my soul, and now you tell me you’ll not have me.”

      “If you had been honest with me from the beginning, this would have been avoided.” Hawks replied bitterly.

      “I suppose it could have.” Enji turned to look at the broken door, then back at Hawks. “No-” He stated softly. “You’re still in shock. You’re not thinking clearly, not listening to reason.” There was a madness in his eyes that worried Hawks.

      “Enji, my answer will not change, not if you ask me again tomorrow or the next day. I love you but I cannot be yours.”

      “I am not so easily discouraged Hawks.” Enji reached for the door. “I will leave you for tonight, I’m sure you’re in need of your rest. We will talk again tomorrow.” Enji left in a whirlwind, slamming the door behind him. Hawks looked around the room helplessly. He knew that Enji wouldn’t take no for an answer, he would keep pushing and pushing and eventually Hawks would break. He needed to get out of there. He pushed himself up from the bed, stumbling in his grief as he opened the dresser, pulling out the clothes he had worn to come to the Todoroki estate so many months ago.

      He packed his belongings, only what would fit in his small suitcase, along with his savings. It was just past midnight, too late to get a carriage, but if he could get to town tonight he could take one in the morning. He stopped at his door, suitcase in hand, and almost lost his nerve. Where would he go? He had no one, not a friend or relative in the world. He would be entirely alone. If he tried to go back to Brentwood, he’d be found by Enji quickly. It would be better if he fled to a larger town, someplace he could be lost. Part of him screamed it was absolute madness. What would really be the harm of staying here? Of making up with Enji and simply living at his side. Did Hawks really need the title to have his happiness?

      No. Hawks would not accept it. Enji had lied to him, been dishonest. If Enji could come to him honestly one day then maybe- no the thought would only give him false hope. Hawks was not going to settle for anything less than a true and full commitment. Enji was arrogant, he might love Hawks, but he loved him in poor character. Hawks would not let himself fall into a life built around lies, not when he had struggled for so long to live.

      He closed his bedroom door quietly behind him saying goodbye to it for the last time and crept down the stairs. He planned to leave through the kitchen door to avoid waking the household, but the kitchen wasn’t as empty as he’d expected.

      “You’re leaving?” Fuyumi stood by the fire a cup of tea in hand and a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

      “I can’t stay here.” Hawks replied quickly, not wanting to lose his nerve. “I can’t live here knowing we could never be what he wants.” Hawks opened the door and paused turning back once more to look at her. He had to wonder. “Did you know?” Fuyumi looked away and shook her head.

      “I’d hoped for a time she was still alive, but- he told us she had died in an institution.” So they had all been ignorant. Enji had at least been truthful with that telling.

      “Goodbye Fuyumi, and- tell Shoto goodbye for me as well.”

      With that Hawks left into the night, keeping close to the road to avoid getting lost or falling into a ditch somewhere. His stomach grumbled at him and he immediately regretted not grabbing something from the kitchen before he headed out. The stars were bright and it had gotten warm enough that the night air was comfortable where it grazed his skin. He decided to push everything else in his mind away, locking it behind a large iron door. He promised himself that he wouldn’t think of Enji again until he’d gotten settled and found himself another job. He wouldn’t look back at the past, only forward. The future was there for the taking, and Hawks couldn’t live in the past any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end friends. I don't want to put an exact number on it but I think we have about 3 chapters to go.


	20. Portsmouth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land some broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, - you'd forget me.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Hawks took a carriage to the nearest port town. He wanted to be near the ocean and it was easy to find work there and a place to stay. They drove the better part of two days and when they finally stopped Hawks could almost taste the salt of the air on his tongue. His first job was far from glamorous, loading cargo and taking shipping orders, but he was good at it, as he was with all things. He smiled quickly and made friends, charmed himself into a steady paycheck. He was well educated, fluent in French and he didn’t have anything else to do but work, so he did. In a month his hands were so calloused he didn’t even recognize them. 

The salt and summer sun, because it was well into July by now, had beaten his hair to the color of straw and made his curls even more wild. His skin was brown, freckles breaking out along his nose and muscles he’d never before possessed began to take root on his frame. 

It was good for him to be busy. You couldn’t think of love when your face was covered in sweat and your body begged for food and sleep. 

He rented a room, sharing it with three other workers, men who drank too much and were too loud. Hawks made a little extra cash playing cards, and introduced himself as Tom to anyone he met, although he hated the nickname. Shifting like a chameleon into his new role, Hawks left his trunk and his books untouched for months. It wasn’t until the weather started to turn again that he thought to write to Aizawa. 

He’d done well for himself, but grunt work would only let him survive, he couldn’t thrive off it. This type of job had only ever been a stepping stone for him. He had an education, and he didn’t want it to go to waste. With the stub of a candle and the light of the moon he penned the first words he’d written in weeks on a sheet of cheap parchment and sent it by post.

 

_ Mr. Aizawa,  _

_ I hope to find you and Mr. Yagi in good health, although I know the latter is less likely. Before you left the estate last spring you imparted me with some strange wisdom. At the time I was less than glad to hear it, but your words were true. I have since left the estate and am renting a room in Portsmouth. I’ve made a good way for myself, but I’m not fully content. I was hoping that there might be more opportunities in France. I am capable of almost anything, and would be willing to learn any task you set before me. If you have need for me please let me know and I will promptly come to your door. If not, I still hope this letter finds you well.  _

 

_ -Thomas Hawks _

 

_ P.s. I suppose it goes without saying, but I would appreciate if my location were kept in confidence between us.  _

 

It was almost a full month after he’d sent his correspondence that he received a letter in return.

 

_ Mr. Hawks _

 

_ I was glad to receive your letter, but saddened by the news that you have quit the Todoroki estate. I will keep your whereabouts in confidence as you wish, but I hope that they will change soon. Enclosed is your fare for the next ship bound for France. I’ve written my address below and I hope to see you there soon. I am in current need of a competent assistant who is willing to travel for me and I believe you will do fine here. Don’t delay. I expect you to start as soon as you are able. Safe travels.  _

 

_ -Mr. Shouta Aizawa _

 

Hawks had never been on an actual sea voyage before and even though the voyage in its entirety took less than eight hours, he spent most of it with his head leaned over the starboard side, wishing that it would be over soon. He continued to feel the waves of the ocean underneath his feet as he stepped out onto the French soil for the first time, but after a stout cup of coffee and a piece of bread he felt settled enough to seek out a carriage. 

He conversed in French with only a few foibles due to fatigue and managed to catch a ride with a coach to the next town. It was another days’ journey to Aizawa’s home, or what Hawks expected to be his home at least. Hawks ended up in Nantes just a stone’s throw away from a busy marketplace the next morning, a little worse for the wear of his travels, but ecstatic at the same time that he had made it this far. 

There was a silver plaque on the door above a large brass knocker confirming to him that Hawks was indeed at the right place. His hand had barely let go from his first knock, when the door suddenly swung inward and he was nose to nose with a blonde haired man sporting a pair of spectacles and a thin moustache. 

“Mon Dieu!” The man looked Hawks up and down once and noticed the letter in his hand. “Mr. Hawks?” Hawks took a step back to bow.

“Yes Sir. I’ve come at Mr. Aizawa’s request.”

“AH- yes!” The man practically shouted, opening the door wider and ushering Hawks inside. “We’ve been expecting you!”

“We?”

“Ah, pardon me for not introducing myself. I share this office space with Mr. Aizawa. My name is Michal Pelle, but you may call me Mic.” 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Mic.” Hawks extended his hand and the other man shook it  energetically. “Is Mr. Aizawa here today?”

“He is, he just doesn’t have the energy of his friend to race to the door like an excited dog.” Mr. Aizawa’s voice came from above and Hawks looked up to see him heading down from the second floor.

“Rude,” Mic huffed crossing his arms across his chest. He turned to look at Hawks with a shrug. “But by this point I am used to it.” He frowned and sauntered back to what looked to be his own offices. “Let me know if you need anything.” He waved before shutting the door behind himself. 

“So you made it?” Hawks turned his attention back to Aizawa who was looking at him with a timid sort of sternness and questions behind his eyes. Hawks knew he was speaking to more than just his sea voyage. 

“Yes, I have.” Hawks confirmed with a tight smile. 

“Good.” Aizawa nodded and motioned for Hawks to follow him back upstairs. “I’ll be happy to have you start tomorrow morning,” he continued. “There is a room here that you may take as your own if you wish,” Aizawa led him up to the second floor and allowed him to put his things down before taking him into the office. There were two large oak desks facing a set of large windows that opened to the streets below. Papers were esque and stacked sporadically around the room, some of them residing in boxes and others tied together with twine. Large leather bound books stood end of end on a precariously full bookshelf that ran half the length of the room. 

“Those are the accounts-” Aizawa waved at the books, then picked up the large volume from his desk. “And these are the manifests, as you see it’s gotten a little out of hand for me on my own.” He sighed and lifted a cracked mug to his lips, sipping it with a grimace. He turned one bloodshot eye to Hawks. “Can you make coffee?” 

“Of course.” Hawks smiled back, taking the cup from Aizawa as it was offered. 

“Pour out that drivel then and start some. I’ll begin your training straight away.”

“Yes, Sir.” Hawks smiled, pouring the remnants out of the open window, and hearing a curse or two directed at him by the passersby. Aizawa smiled broadly, and yelled back before snapping the window closed. He looked Hawks up and down with one eyebrow raised. 

“Well get on with it.” 

 

Hawks took his training seriously, it was a different sort of job. He didn’t use only his mind, as he had when he taught, nor did he break his back for his wages, as he had in the shipyard. Aizawa was a strict employer and he insisted on taking Hawks’ lodging and board out of his wages, so at first Hawks felt like he was hardly making anything, but in time, a few more months time he had found his footing and was beginning to excel. Of course the winter months were harder, there was less business, but in some ways more work. They caught up on anything backlogged during December, which made the month drag on between the stove and the smell of ink. 

Aizawa promised Hawks that he would earn the ability to travel more in the future, there was talk of him going to India in the fall. Everyday he was learning more, independently overseeing whole vessels worth of product, communicating with the sellers and merchants so that trust could be established. Aizawa appeared at the office less and less, more occupied with keeping Yagi in good company. 

It was everything that Hawks had dreamed of when he was young, being on his own in the world, making his way. It didn’t take him long to fall in love with Nantes, it was so large he almost got lost within it. The rivers kept the port traffic heavy, there was even talk of the possibility of building a canal. It was a blessing of a distraction, but as time wore on and his days of work grew longer and at the same time easier, he couldn’t help but daydream about the time before. He wondered how Shoto had grown, how Enji was fairing, each daydream was beautifully painful. There were nights when he woke in the dark of his room and thought he was back at the estate, but instead of fog and forests outside his window, he was met with a dark open sky and the outer wall of the adjoining building. 

His inkwell taunted him. It would be so easy to compose a letter, just one. He could send it so no one knew where it came from. He could send it to Enji, with all of his love inside, because it hadn’t died. Hawks was certain now that nothing could kill it. Months hadn’t scratched the surface, he doubted years would. But what good would it do to write such a letter? It would only cause Enji pain, and confusion. It was better if Enji thought that Hawks had moved on maybe then he could move on as well. Hawks held no trust in Enji continuing his affection for him, not after he’d fled the house that night. If anything his departure was sure to make Enji hate him. Part of Hawks still hated himself, the fact that he had to run away like a rat in the dead of night, because he wasn’t strong enough to do it on his own terms. 

Hawks sighed and closed his work, blowing out the last of his candles before closing the office door. He’d been working all day, but sleep didn’t want him. Slipping the keys to the shop in his pocket, he left through the front door. A walk would clear his head, or at the least tire him enough that he could fall into the covers without staring at the ceiling for an hour first. 

The city was beautiful at night anyway, the lampposts twinkled in the early dark. Hawks purposefully walked by the river, watching the boats lined up like sleeping swans against the docks. Thoughts popped into his mind unbidden. It would have been nice to have Enji here with him, to walk beside him hand in hand along the river. The warm breeze picked it’s way through Hawk’s hair and left him feeling restless. He turned down the docks to see the river nearly glowing silver with the moonlight. That icy blue reminded him of Enji’s eyes. 

_ Hawks _

He turned to look over his shoulder, certain without a doubt that he’d heard his name being called, but there was no one there. He felt his heartbeat faster as he stared at the river again. A nightingale’s song broke the silence of the night. Suddenly Hawks was overcome with the need to go to Enji, to go home. Something was wrong. 

Hawks couldn’t sleep at all that night. He returned to the shop and felt oppressed by it’s emptiness, like he was trapped in a cage with a cover thrown over it. He pulled his suitcase from under the bed and fretted over it until nearly three in the morning. Questioning himself redundantly, but he could think of no reasonable explanation to give Aizawa for his sudden departure. It was if he was being yanked back by a strong cord that wrapped around his body. He had to go, he had to see him, what he would do once he did, Hawks had no idea, but it pressed at him on all sides to look into Enji’s eyes again. 

When dawn broke his bags were packed. 

 

“This would not be your wisest decision Hawks.” Aizawa muttered over his cup, Hawks had been smart enough to hand him his coffee before breaking the news. 

“I don’t plan to be gone forever-” Hawks began.

“It doesn’t look like you’ve planned much of anything.” Aizawa mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “What are you expecting to find?” Hawks’ hands stilled over his work, his face clouding over with concern. 

“I-I’m not sure. I just have this feeling like- I must go to him, like something horrible will happen if I don’t.” Aizawa sighed, setting his cup down to rub his eyes. 

“Just promise me this. If you go and find you don’t desire to return, send word soon. It’s going to be hell finding a replacement for you.” 

“Mr. Aizawa-” Hawks stopped and bowed. “I don’t even think I can begin to thank you for the opportunities that you’ve given me. Without your help I’m not sure what I would have done.”

Aizawa waved him off. 

“I paid you for a job well done and that was it. If it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else. You have a way with people Hawks, you’ll have a way in the world as well if you continue to put your mind to it.” Hawks balked a bit at the compliment. Aizawa rarely bestowed them. 

“It might take me a week or so to get there, but once I’m at the estate I’ll write you and inform you of what’s going on.” 

“See that you do. I haven’t heard from Enji in months, of course he may just be cross with me. He seemed to want to blame everyone after you left, except himself of course.”

“I left him in a bad way-” Hawks looked at the ground. 

“You never told me why you left though.” 

“It’s not my place to say.” Hawks replied softly, before grabbing his bag. 

“Good luck Hawks.” Aizawa said, with the most sincere expression Hawks had seen from him yet. 

“Good bye Sir.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) Enjoy!


	21. Going Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I looked with timorous joy towards a stately house: I saw a blackened ruin.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Hawks arrived into town on the carriage, to the same inn that he’d waited at before with Fuyumi’s letter clutched in his hand. He’d left over a year ago, but nothing much had changed. The town remained small and quaint with the same tired shops and simple people. The air smelled like English soil and rain, as it slapped Hawks in the face with memories that made his heart ache and his breath catch in his lungs. He took his suitcase in hand and made his way to the innkeeper, not bothering to smile. For some reason he couldn’t muster it. 

      “Excuse me, I need a carriage to the Todoroki Estate please.” The innkeeper glared at him funnily.

      “Why would you want to go there?”

      “I have business with Mr. Todoroki.” Hawks replied firmly.

      “Then you don’t know?” 

      “Know what?” Hawks felt fingers of dread climbing up his back, prickling at the hairs on his neck. 

      “The estate burned six months ago, practically the whole thing. It’s a ruin. No one lives there anymore.” Hawks felt his blood run cold in his veins, a tightness gripped his chest constricting his lungs. A fire, six months ago- no. He began to panic. 

      “What of the family? Did they-” 

      “I think the children were at school.” The innkeeper leaned closer, voice dropping low. “His wife didn’t make it, and the doctors where unsure if he would for a while. He was so badly burned. What sort of business did you say you had with him?”

      “I didn’t.” Hawks cleared his throat. “Can you take me anyway, I- I need to see it.” The man shrugged and went to grab the driver. Hawks followed him stiffly to the carriage. 

      Dusk was setting as they went down the lane and Hawks could see from the distance the great skeleton of the estate, burned out and black, only it’s far East tower still intact along the skyline. As they neared the home he realized the full extent of the damage. The stables had been saved, and it looked like most of the east wing was stable, but the original building, the part that had fallen to fire before, it was beyond repair. Birds flapped and flew through it’s roofless rafters. Even the great stone lion that sat at the front stairs was blackened by the blaze. It was a wretched sight to see and Hawks mourned the loss of it’s haunted ancient beauty. 

      He asked himself what had happened, but he knew. It clung to the building like a cloud of sin, a final payment for all of Enji’s lies. In the end Rei had made her presence known. 

      As soon as they stopped Hawks threw himself from the carriage and ran to the front door. 

      “There’s no one there, Sir.” The driver called out after him, but Hawks didn’t listen. He pushed open the great front door to the sound of creaking wood and wings. A flock of pigeons flew up from the grand staircase and into the open sky. A part of the rafters fell and hit the floor, dust clouding up around him. The beautiful carpet that laid in the foyer was blackened with soot, and the tapestry that hung so proudly on the wall had fallen from it’s mounts and laid in a puddle on the ground. It was a ruin, all of it, as the man had said.

      “Come back Sir. It’s not safe in there, the whole thing should be condemned.”

      Hawks turned and went back outside, stopping by the steps to pet the lion that still stood guard in front of the estate. He pulled his hand away and noticed his fingers were black. 

      “Master Hawks?” Hawks turned at the voice to see the gardener coming from the side of the house. 

      “Where is he?” Hawks asked roughly. 

      “He moved to a house closer to town. Miss, Fuyumi tends to him.” Hawks felt his face grow pale, the blood draining from it.

      “Can he not tend to himself?”

      “Not anymore Sir.” The gardener replied quietly. 

      Hawks bit his lip. 

      “Tell me the address.”

 

      Hawks returned to his carriage in a flurry, snapping out the new address to his driver and throwing him the additional fare. The coach sped back down the lane and deposited Hawks almost twenty minutes later in front of a modest two story home near the edge of town. It was a plain home with blue siding and a small garden behind it. Hawks sprung from the carriage with his suitcase and sprinted to the door. He knocked roughly, knuckles burning from the impact, pulse racing at the unknown that lay ahead of him. Within a minute the door was swung open, by none other than Fuyumi, who stared at him with wide grey eyes. 

      “You’re back.”

      “May I come in?” 

      Fuyumi seemed frozen for a moment. She examined him, noticing his suitcase. 

      “Yes, of course.” A small sad smile broke on her lips as she ushered him from the front door into the dining room, just off from the kitchen. It looked like she was busy preparing dinner, an apron tied around her dress and her hair pulled back into a tight bun.  

      “Where are the servants?”

      “They’re only here for part of the day. We scarcely need them anymore, this house is not nearly as grand.” She turned back to a tea tray. “How have you been?” She asked with forced politeness. 

      “Well,” Hawks replied, fumbling with the handle of his case before finally resolving to sit it down. “At the inn, I heard what happened.” Fuyumi’s hands froze for a moment over the china. There was a pregnant pause, and Hawks could guess her words before she even said them. 

      “Mother sat another fire.” She pressed her hand to her lips. “It still feels strange to say it. For so long I thought she was gone, and now she is. It’s almost like her being alive was never real in the first place.” Fuyumi shot him a tired glance, as she continued to set the dinner tray. “Father saw the flames first and went to fetch her, but she ran from him, then threw herself out a window on the second floor. The roof gave along the stairwell not long afterwards. I was off taking Shoto to school when it happened.” Hawks clutched her hand. 

      “I’m glad you were both safe.”

      Fuyumi smiled. 

      “Father was less fortunate.” She shuddered, making her hands busy arranging a plate. “He became pinned on the stairwell. They were able to pull him out but, he was badly burned. He’s completely blind in one eye, and the other- well the smoke damaged it. The doctors say his vision will clear with time but for now he cannot read, or write, he can barely find his way without someone to guide him.” 

      “Is there anything I can do?” 

      “You can take this to him.” She handed Hawks the tray boldly. “And then you can stay with us tonight. I won’t accept anything else.” Hawks smiled and pressed a swift kiss to her cheek. 

      “Thank you, for forgiving me.”

      “There’s nothing to forgive.” She replied. “Now go on, the sitting room is through that door.”

      Hawks turned back to the hall and pushed the door open with his hip. The sitting room was dark, even for the evening. The only light was from the small glow of embers in the fireplace. He felt his throat begin to close as he spotted Enji turned to the fire, in a large armchair, a fearsome expression on his face. Cerberus was at his feet, and he lifted up his great head in greeting as Hawks stepped into the room. He sat the tray down on the table and turned to light a candle. 

      “Thank you Fuyumi.” Enji muttered, his face covered with his hand. He didn’t even try to reach toward the tray. 

      “So is this what you’re doing now, spending your evenings in the dark?” 

      Enji almost shot out of the chair in panic, he looked up and caught Hawks’ image. The low light of the room obscured him but there was no mistaking his form. 

      “You’re not real-” Enji whispered, pushing himself back in his chair. 

      “I assure you Sir I am real.” Hawks came around the table and reached out for Enji’s hand. 

      It was a sad sight to see him. Across his left eye was an enormous scar that ran from his forehead to his chin. The burn was healed, but his eye did not open. The rest of his face was worn, a scraggly beard grown out and his hair long over his ears. A cane was resting along the arm of the chair, making him appear much older than he was. 

      He squeezed Hawks’ hand tightly in his and pulled him closer, his other hand snaking up to grab at Hawks’ coat to pull his face nearer. 

      “Can you see me Sir?”

      “Not as well as I would like, but yes,” Enji let him go. “Besides, you have his voice. No one could mimic that so thoroughly.” He huffed. “Unless of course I’ve finally gone mad.” A laugh skipped from his lips, sounding slightly unhinged, and Hawks’ heart broke to hear it. 

      “You’re not mad Enji.” Hawks replied softly, and Enji swallowed a sob, reaching out again to grab at his waist and pulling him into the chair. Hawks let himself be brought in and threw his arms around Enji’s neck, holding him tightly. 

      “This must be a dream then.”  

      “If you are dreaming then so am I.” 

      Enji shook his head.  

      “No- if you are really Hawks this must be a nightmare, to come back and find me in this state, to be forced into my arms again, when you left them so quickly before. This is not what you want.” He tried to pull away, but Hawks clung to him even more tightly.

      “This is all I ever wanted, all I want in this world-” 

      “Do not tease me Hawks.” 

      “I’m not teasing.”

      Enji pursed his lips, sighing heavily as Hawks finally detangled himself from his neck, but remained happily perched in his lap, Enji’s arm slung loosely around his waist.  

      “So where did you fly off too my little bird, the night that you left me? You couldn’t have gone far.” Hawks slid his slender fingers in between Enji’s and leaned casually back against his shoulder savoring their contact.  

      “I resided in Portsmouth for a time.”

      “Portsmouth reeks of fish.” Hawks laughed. 

      “And so did I, but I did not stay there long I’ve been in France for nearly a year now.” Hawks added cheekily. Enji perked up. 

      “And how did you get there?”

      “By boat mostly.”

      “Hawks-” Enji replied tersely, annoyance maring his brow. Hawk’s heart leapt to hear the familiar frustration in his voice. Enji was finally sounding like himself again. Hawks smiled broadly and pressed a quick kiss on Enji’s cheek. The arm tightened around his waist and held him close again. 

      “I’ll tell you more tomorrow Sir, we mustn't let your dinner get cold.” Hawks made to crawl back out of Enji’s arms, but he found he was stuck. 

      “Not yet-” Enji turned his face into Hawks’ shoulder and Hawks stilled. He brought up his hand to thread through the thick red shaggy locks that fell just past Enji’s ear. They shined yellow orange like fire in the candlelight, so different from how Enji usually wore his hair, cropped short in strict alignment with the rest of his demeanor. It seemed that he’d lost all order in Hawks’ absence. His nails had grown long, his beard was left unshaven and unkempt, his suit was wrinkled and loose on his frame, his body gaunt beneath the starched cotton. The further Hawks observed him the more his heart ached to amend every mistake. 

      “Aren’t you hungry Enji?” The use of his name pulled a shiver out of him, but he shook his head against Hawks’ shoulder. 

      “I have no appetite.” 

      Hawks tucked his face near Enji’s ear to speak. 

      “Remember how you cared for me when I was ill, even when I hated the sight of food. Will you not let me return the same favor?” With stilted movements Enji released Hawks enough that he could reach for the plate on the tray and bring it to them. Just to tease him further, Hawks loaded up the fork with a small bite and held it to Enji’s mouth, as if he could not do the same for himself. Hawks expected to be chided, but Enji obediently opened his lips and took the bite softly, his mouth closing around the utensil and pulling back, leaving the silver gleaning clean in the candlelight and Hawks speechless where he sat. Another bite was accepted after that, and then another in silence, the only sound was silver scraping on China as the fork continued to be refilled. Hawks didn’t dare to breathe a word. The peace between them was as brittle as sugar glass, and with each morsel that passed from the plate to Enji’s mouth Hawks grew more restless. 

      Enji’s lips were hypnotizing, the left bottom corner puckered with a ghastly scar, that was routinely licked clean by a swift sweep of his tongue. Hawks wanted to feel the new unfamiliar mouth on his, he wanted to press kisses to the tortured skin, make amends for the absence of his presence, but something told him it would be too much, too hasty. Enji had always exuded so much strength, but now he was cowed, unsure. One thoughtless action on his part and he would kill whatever strength Enji had managed to salvage and hold himself together with in this moment. 

      Hawks brought back the fork one last time and noticed the plate was cleaned.  

      “Thank you.” Enji tucked his chin to his chest and looked to the fire in shame. Hawks put the plate on the table and gently placed his hand against Enji’s scared cheek to turn his head back to face him. 

      As they met each other’s gaze Hawks saw the glassy shine of unshod tears in Enji’s remaining ice blue eye. Hawks felt his throat grow tight. 

      “Am I hideous to look upon?” 

      A flicker of the softest smile lit Hawk’s face. 

      “You always were Sir.” 

      Enji’s lips sharpened into a surprised grin before his expression crumpled like a paper bag and his head fell into Hawks’ chest. Hawks wrapped his arms over Enji’s shaking shoulders as he sobbed in silence, the crackling pop of the fireplace became the only sound audible over their breathing. Hawks felt tears lose their hold from his lashes and begin to run silently down his cheeks, falling like raindrops into Enji’s hair. Cerberus whined at their feet, raising as if he sensed their equal distress and pressing his great head up into their lap. 

      Enji patted him with a chuckle and took a deep shaking breath, finally pulling back. Hawks rubbed his face clean and couldn’t help but crack a smile as Enji did the same. 

      “Will you stay?” Enji asked, voice soft and brittle as snow. 

      “Of course.” Hawks replied. 


	22. Union

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest -- blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine.”  
> ― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

      Fuyumi made up the only spare room in the house for Hawks’ stay. It was originally meant for Shoto, but it would still be months before he returned for winter break. The town house was more intimate than the estate had been. There were no high ceilings or tapestries, no grand staircases or magnificent fireplaces, there was no library just a small sitting room with a lonely piano forte placed in it’s corner, but neither Fuyumi or Enji had the heart ot play it, so it simply collected dust. Hawks wrote to Aizawa to ask him for more time, and to tell him that he had arrived safely, but he left it at that. 

      Hawks felt once again and quite acutely that he was stranger in someone else’s home. Fuyumi was as dutiful as ever, a constant companion to her father, who now could scarcely leave his room without someone accompanying him. He used his cane as he could, but cursed that his vision only allowed him dark shapes and watery figures to find his way. It was strange to see him now, walking timidly, carefully, when before every movement had been forceful and with purpose. 

      The first morning of Hawks’ stay Enji almost broke into tears at breakfast when Hawks surprised him with a kiss on the cheek and a cheerful ‘good morning’. He coughed to cover it up, but Hawks knew by the shake of his hand, some little part of Enji thought the night before was all a dream. To fill the silence Hawks set about relaying stories of his travels, speaking a mile a minute. He talked endlessly of France and of his work and of Aizawa and his bookshelves full of coffee stained accounting pages. He told Enji about his seasickness and the canals and the river, how the gulls would beg for his lunch and peck at his hair. On a few occasions he purposely lapsed into French, because it felt so natural, and Enji lit up hearing it. That was all the encouragement Hawks ever needed to continue talking. 

      As the weather allowed they took walks mid-afternoon. Hawks led Enji through the small garden at the back of the house, arm in arm around the blackberry bushes to finally sit at the small stone bench under a willow tree almost the size of the house. It was a quiet place to repose. A week passed in no time at all, with Enji becoming more and more restless. 

      “So, when do you return?” He finally asked one evening, just as the sun was beginning to droop and paint the sky pink. 

      “Return to where?” 

      Enji scoffed.

      “I’m in no mood to be toyed with bird, to France, to your employer. I’m surprised he’s let you dally this long.”

      “Have you tired of my company already Sir?” Hawks asked in mock hurt, turning on the bench to meet Enji’s gaze. At this distance Hawks suspected Enji’s sight was well enough to see the teasing in his expression. 

      “You know I have not, now answer me. It is in poor taste to torture a cripple.” Enji griped, leaning on his cane as Hawks rolled his eyes and shook his head wearily. 

      “You act as though I would be happy to leave you again when we have just been reunited.” Enji sighed and shook his head. 

      “Hawks, you are a young man. Of course I enjoy your company, and I hope that in time you will visit me again, but you must also go live. I was scared and selfish when you first arrived. Worried you could never forgive me, or become my friend again in lieu of how I acted, but you have and I do not wish to burden you further.”

      The confession hurt Hawks’ heart to hear. That was how Enji thought of himself now, a burden. 

      “Is that what you want Enji, me to be your friend?” 

      Enji sat in silence, chewing his words to keep them from bursting out of his mouth and burying Hawks with unrealistic expectations. He wanted so much more, but knew he could not ask it. Hawks reached over to grasp Enji’s hand, pulling it to his lips he pressed a kiss on the back of his knuckles. 

      “Can I tell you something?” Hawks asked softly and Enji nodded. Hawks leaned in closer, until his head rested on Enji’s shoulder and Enji cherished the weight of his presence. When Hawks began to speak his breath felt like a gentle breeze rushing through Enji’s hair. 

      “I promised myself when I left for France that I would not think of you until I’d made something of myself. I felt that even if I stopped for just one second I wouldn’t be able to make it. Your love was like a wild animal I kept locked in a cage deep between my ribs, everyday I had to hide it, but it never disappeared. I could not starve it out, I could not kill it with work, or drown it with liquor. I had to learn to live with it so I did, for a long time. Then one night as I was walking I heard your voice as clear as day calling to me, and the cage I’d built shattered into a thousand pieces.” Hawks stopped, heart racing, hand shaking as he shifted from where he sat on the bench to the grass in front of Enji on one knee. “I knew as clearly in that moment as I do now that for the rest of my life I can only love you, and I will only ever be happy by your side.”

      A nameless expression lit Enji's craggy features, confusion and sorrow and a bit of longing. He pursed his lips and then hung his gaze away from Hawks, turning into the glowing dusk as he shook his head. 

      “I do not deserve to be at your side. Not after what I have done, it would dirty you. I was horrible Hawks, selfish and persistent. I was a liar, who willfully took advantage of both your innocence and affection. Leaving me was the best thing you could have done and I fear that coming back was a mistake.” 

      “Would you rather I leave then?” Hawks grabbed Enji's hand and held it close. “I really want to stay.” 

      “And what kind of life would you have with a man like me? I'm practically blind, I cannot work. I cannot give you the living that I had before.” 

      “I was never interested in your living Enji, only your company.” 

      “And that is even more depressing. Birds like you need to spread their wings, not be tethered to old boulders.” 

      “I would hardly let your pouting keep us from our life together.” Hawks persisted, finally standing to face Enji squarely. Hawks in his small stature was barely taller than Enji as he sat, so they nearly met eye to eye. “You can walk and I can lead you and we can go and do whatever we will. You are too young to hole yourself up in this house and make Fuyumi wait on you.”

      “Wouldn't you rather find someone to fly at your side, surely France has not run out of young men?” 

      “I have particular tastes.” Hawks crossed his arms. He could feel his temper growing, as Enji continued to deflect him, pride woefully wounded by his injury. Enji tucked his head low and ran a shaky hand down his face. Hawks could tell that he was overcome and so he added softly, slipping closer to Enji's cheek and speaking from his heart with as much sincerity as he could muster. “I love you Enji, forget everything else but that and let us both be happy. Let us finally be married.” Hawks felt the hot wetness of tears staining Enji’s face. Enji grabbed Hawks by the elbow and pulled him into his arms pressing his face into Hawks collar. 

      “I will, if you will have me.” 

      “That's all I ever wanted.” Hawks replied, wrapping his arms around him. 

 

      Once a date for their union was decided the preparations began, all at once and expeditiously. It was agreed that the couple would be wed in town and then swiftly depart for a French honeymoon. This time there was no fancy suit or ornate carriage. Hawks assisted Enji in shaving his beard and taming his hair and they had one of his better suits altered accordingly to fit. 

      Fuyumi sobbed with joy when she heard the news, scrambling to put together a proper reception dinner. Shoto, unfortunately could not be pulled away from his school to attend the wedding, and they decided it would be best to break the news to him in person at Christmas. Hawks felt a nervous flutter in his chest to think that he would suddenly be Shoto's step father, a position that he had perhaps always felt in some deep part of his heart.  

      The night before the ceremony Hawks packed their honeymoon clothes into a large trunk. Enji sat at the side of the bed, as Hawks flitted around the room in stocking feet, simple slacks, and a light linen shirt. He'd forgone formal dress around the house, and as Enji could not see him well, he didn't bother taming his hair either. It was far too long now to manage and mostly he wore it pulled back with a ribbon, seeing as how it had grown so long. 

      “You are sure you’ve packed everything?” 

      “Everything we discussed, yes.” 

      “Review it again for me bird.” 

      Hawks rolled his eyes and peeked over the edge moving things to the side as he recited what was in the trunk.  

      “It's all there. We're ready Enji.” Hawks threw one leg over Enji's knee and plopped himself into the other man’s lap, kissing him chastely on the nose and wrapping his arms securely around Enji's neck. Enji’s tentative fingers wound their way around Hawks’ hips and held him fast. 

      “What’s wrong?” 

      “I’m fine.” 

      “You’re lying.” Hawks put a hand under Enji’s chin with a frown on his lips. “Tell me, what’s bothering you?” 

      “Paris seems too ambitious for me Hawks.” 

      Hawks sighed. 

      “But I want to go, and I’ll be with you the entire time. I promise I won’t let you wander off and get lost.” 

      “I don’t know why you want to guide a lame man through Paris. It doesn’t sound relaxing at all.”

      “Well, I figured at least half our time would be spent in the bedroom anyway.” Hawks chided, pressing another kiss to Enji’s ear. “Besides, I can think of nothing more romantic than to hold my husband’s hand through most of our honeymoon.” A half smile broke Enji’s sour expression turning into a lascivious grin. 

      “Half our time bird? Are you going to be that difficult to satisfy?” Enji’s voice became a low rumble that reverberated through Hawks’ bones.  

      “That depends entirely on you Sir.” Hawks replied cheekily as he slid back from Enji’s knees and closed the lid of the trunk to slide it to the floor. 

      It had been a topic that Hawks teased with Enji on and off since he’d accepted Hawks’ proposal. In stark contrast to Enji from before, this humbled form barely touched Hawks without his permission, unless it was to draw him into his arms for a hug, and that contact seemed to be born of innocent longing not sexual appetite. Hawks had been nothing but reassuring to Enji since he’d arrived at the house, tiptoeing around Enji’s despair. He could tell Enji was less confident, more worried that any untoward action on his part would scare Hawks away. Hawks hoped that their honeymoon would mend any awkwardness between them and restore Enji to his prior confidence. 

      “Come on,” Hawks took Enji’s hand in his and led him from the bed and back to his room.  By this time Enji surely knew the way on his own, but Hawks insisted on guiding him. As they reached the door Enji stopped. 

      “Hawks-”

      “Hum?”

      “Tomorrow is-” Enji’s brow furrowed. “Well, nothing yet is set in stone, and if you decide that this is not what you want from me I will honor that decision.” Hawks sighed deeply a sad smile painting his features- not that Enji could see it. He was becoming more aware that if he wanted to express himself Hawks needed to do it with words. 

      “Enji I love you, and I know now that this will never change. I have made my decision, the only thing left is for you to make yours.” 

      “I promise Hawks,” Enji drew Hawks in close. “I promise you will never want for anything again if it is in my power to give it to you. I promise you my truth and my honor in everything we will face together from this day forward. You have given me a second chance and in our married life I hope to return my happiness to you tenfold.” 

      Hawks looked up lovingly into Enji eyes, arms wrapped halfway around his waist to hold him softly as they stood in the moonlit hallway of the house. He was not the same man Hawks had met on the lane, not the man that sat at his sickbed, nor the one who begged him to stay. No, the Enji who stood before him had grown from those men, and as inadequate as the world may find him now, Hawks found him absolutely perfect. 

      The ceremony was quaint, but that was how they’d wanted it, a reserved contrast to the shameful failure of their last attempt. Enji still fell quiet at it’s mention, but Hawks had moved past old mistakes. Rei was gone, Enji was free to live again, and Hawks welcomed his love and the possibilities of their future together. 

      After the reception dinner they caught a coach and traveled past nightfall into Portsmouth. They spent the night at a small inn, too exhausted to consummate their marriage, but happy in each other’s arms as they shared the small double bed in their frugal accommodations. They ate a hearty breakfast and then set out for their sea voyage. Dressed for travel no one suspected them to be on their honeymoon. They arrived in Paris late that evening, the sparkling night sky opening before them. The cool of the evening could never take away the warmth of Enji’s hand where it laid with Hawk’s fingers clasped at his side, and so their French honeymoon began as did their lives together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for staying with me while I wrote this entirely self indulgent period romance for an arguably unpopular pairing.   
> If I feel up to it I will try to write a second part to detail the honeymoon with a more mature rating. It has been a lovely six months since this idea struck me and I'm very proud of myself that I was able to see it to the end. Thank you all for reading and for your lovely comments. Goodbye for now! :D


End file.
